Our Journey without my Beloved Carmen

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Two fun pictures of Carmen

This hat was from his girls- they knew how to make him laugh.

Fishing was one of his two favorite hobbies !

May 9, 2017.......Our 30th Anniversary

May 9, 2017………should have been our 30^th anniversary. When we stood before a Pastor and Carmen’s priest and proclaimed our love and promised to love one another- we said “I take you for my lawful husband and wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

Who in their right mind thinks that the “death do us part” part would come entirely too early? My mind wanders back to the time I was a mere child of 10 years old when I first met Carmen and I fell in love. Short version is that he was dating a girl in my parent’s high school youth group but that didn’t matter to me. I told her that he was my boyfriend and that one day we would get married. Skip ahead a few years and at 16 I started dating him; we would literally sit out on the steps and talk for hours about everything and we had many dreams for the future. Carmen asked me to marry him when I was 19 and we were married a few months after I turned 20.

Initially we decided not to have children right away- Carmen said that he wanted to enjoy time with his bride before turning his attention to being a father, because once kids come along it will be awhile before I get you to myself again. Our time together as a couple was extended as we had a miscarriage but my dear husband wrapped his arms around me and said “I am not worried, we will have more children when the time is right and until then I still get you to myself”.

I won’t lie and say our marriage was perfect, like many couples we had our ups and downs and we had arguments and fights, but we never went to bed mad at one another. I never doubted his love for me above all others. One time his dear friend once said “I have never seen two people that are really one person- you really know each other and I swear you read each other’s minds”. I can honestly say that I was truly blessed to have this hot tempered, passionate, loving, caring man as my protector, lover, best friend and soul mate and then as the father to our two beautiful daughters.

Lessons learned since Carmen was taken from us:

A couple of years after Carmen died I was asked “so how are you? Are things returning to normal?”

I have to tell you, that question bothered me immensely and I was so angry that this person would dare to assume that our lives could ever even begin to be normal again. I thought how on earth do they think that after the love of my life and the father to our children was ripped from us so suddenly that life would ever be “normal” ??

Let me explain what “normal” is after loss:

Normal= is having tears waiting behind every smile especially when you realize that your important person is missing from ALL the important events in your and your children’s lives.

Normal=is trying to decide how to celebrate or decorate for New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and of course Birthdays !

Normal= is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you are angry and frustrated at having to do it all by yourself with no one to bounce ideas and fears off.

Normal= is not sleeping very well because your protector is not there and you are the one on duty all the time. And because all the “ what ifs” and “ whys” go through your head constantly.

Normal= reliving the accident continuously through your eyes, mind and heart and sometimes you hold your head and close your eyes…..hoping against all odds that it will all go away and that it’s just a nightmare.

Normal= is being out somewhere and staring into the crowd-hoping somehow that you will catch a glimpse of him….even for a moment.

Normal= is knowing that every single happy event will always be followed with a heart wrenching pain and sadness because of the huge hole in your heart and the inability to relive the joy and excitement with him.

Normal= is now having to tell the story of how your husband was killed as IF it were something that was an everyday occurrence and then you see the shock on their face and then they say “I’m sorry for your loss” AND then you have to say “Thank you”…….really ?? Thank you ??

Normal= is trying to figure out how to truly honor your beloved’s birthday each year and still manage to get through the day.

Normal= is when my heart jumps with excitement and then plummets at the sight of something he would love. Do I still buy it ? If I buy it-do I display it or store it away from prying eyes? If I display it, how do I explain it to people? What will they think? That I am crazy for still buying my dead husband gifts?

Normal= is having people afraid to mention his name for fear it will upset me, yet wanting to make sure he is never forgotten. Normal= is the fear that as time goes along I should stop saying things out loud that he said because once again….will people think that I am crazy.

Normal= is that after the funeral…..people go on with their lives and that after a very short time, people expect me to go on with my life like they have and then Normal is realizing that they don’t understand that we will continue to grieve our loss until the day we die.

Normal= is realizing that weeks, months and years later that the grieving gets worse not better. Because your head finally realizes what your heart already knew.

Normal= is trying to listen to people who try to compare anything in their life to this loss. Unless they too have actually loss their soulmate at the same juncture and time in their lives then it is NOT the same. Especially those who are divorced or elderly …why?? because….the children of the divorced can still see their father and the elderly have lived a rich full life & experienced their dreams, had time and possibly grandchildren with their husband…….I do not- I was cheated of all of this.

Normal= is knowing that you and your children cry and feel a pain that can’t be taken away because the one who wrapped his arms around you in comfort is the one that is gone and your will never feel that gentle strength again.

Normal= is realizing that you’ve lost your filter and that you are impatient with everyone and everything especially people who lie or are not genuine however you have a passion for protecting and showing compassion to your children or another widow in your situation.

Normal= is wanting to bite someone’s head off if they say any of the following-“he’s in a better place, God has a better plan for you, Time will heal your heart and pain, You are young and will find someone else again.”

Normal= is being too tired to care if you have paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry, went food shopping, put gas in the car or for that matter if you are eating healthy or at all.

Normal= is looking at forms and deciding what to check when they list-single, married or divorced and absolutely hating when you see or have to use the box that says widowed.

Normal= is asking God why he took your beloved’s life instead of all the scum bags out there.

Normal= is knowing that you will never truly get over this loss despite what others think, there isn’t enough time on this earth to heal this pain.

Normal= is learning to say “I’m fine” because it is easier to say that than make them uncomfortable when you cry or repeat yourself. Why bother when the hole is so deep and the hollowness so vast that they can’t handle the truth IF you were to actually tell them. And last of all…….Normal= is hiding all of the things that are “My Normal” so that everyone around me thinks that I’m normal.

So now you have read through the thoughts of a unique, not so normal widow…….who is reminding you that Life is NOT guaranteed so …..do not take your loved ones for granted….don’t pass up an opportunity to hug them and to spend time with them and most of all……don’t let the small stuff get in the way of loving them unconditionally with your whole being.

Friday, February 12, 2016

February 2016- this widow's view on Valentine's Day

February 2016- this widow’s view on Valentine’s Day

It has been far too long that I have revisited the process of my grieving soul. Do I no longer grieve? No, this is not the way it works. Lately, I have had so many thoughts, so many events and new curiosities presented before me. How does this change how I am doing, how my children are doing especially since they are growing up? What is next? Where do I go from here and how do I see the rest of my life without my beloved Carmen?

I am smiling again and not the fake “I’m fine” smile, it’s not all the time but it is more often. The odd part is when I have days when grief and joy both burst through. It is most annoying to my personality when out of nowhere something triggers the heart wrenching grief and anguish from the most inner parts of my soul and when that happens I am a broken and dark woman all over again and I have no choice but to follow the sage advice given to me numerous times…”go thru it, let it happen, experience it, feel it and then release it.” I won’t say I understand why this has to happen but I will say that it has to happen in order to heal the deep wound of my heart and soul.

Initially I will tell you in all honesty I was simply just holding on, moving through life with the anguish of the knowledge that I have paid a high price in life. As you continue on the grief journey the emotional drain, the daily pressures and demands drain every ounce of life you have in you, I had nothing left to give- absolutely nothing. But as a mother I felt the primal need to take care of my children, to protect them, to “make it all better” for them. I was blessed to have loving parents and good friends who came alongside me to remind me that in order to take care of my kids I had to take care of myself first and that no matter what my heart wanted to do- that I could not take away the pain in my children’s hearts.

So what do I do? Where do I turn? How do I pick up the broken pieces and put our lives back together?

This is where it got interesting; some well-meaning people said the following things to me; “pray about it, you must have peace that at least he didn’t suffer, God never gives us more than we can handle, He’s in a better place, everything happens for a reason, only the good die young, you must be thankful for the time you had, you are young- you’ll find another husband, you should move on and then your children can have another father, I even had an older widow say I know exactly what you are going through.” All I can say is that it is amazing that I managed to not reach out and choke the life out of some of these people.

It is here where I tell you that I really and truly struggled with my faith. Most days I was so very angry with God for taking my husband, taking the father of my children away from them. Why, why,why ? At night I could truly feel with my entire being that the darkness was trying to swallow me. Often I would need to sleep with a light on because I needed to be able to see that I was alive and not being swallowed into the depths of hell that the pain I was feeling was not going to overtake me.

Again, I will be honest and tell you that there were so many times I told God that I was mad at him and that I was not going to talk to him. And for some of you that may seem like it was childish and not appropriate for a Christian to talk like that- but I assure you that it was perfectly human and normal. And the best part was that like a real father, God allowed me to feel what I wanted to feel and then waited patiently for me to return. Never once did he forsake his job of caring for me- always showing me somehow thru people’s actions and comments, fb posts and some daily bread devotionals that he was only a prayer away.

Now for me prayer has never been some pious reciting of words, my first pastor was a very wise man and one of his many lessons was that God wants us to have a real conversation with us, so that is exactly what I did. Oftentimes it was not a pretty conversation, it was filled with pain, anguish, disgust, anger, frustration, indecision, grief, despair, depression, anxiety, worry, fear, sobbing, tears, threats, pleading and there was the usual remorse for all of the previous feelings and my apology for doubting or anger. But again- the peace that was given to my heart cannot be described it can only be felt.

I will say that I am forever grateful for those who chose to show me real love, by being there and actually doing what they said “they said call me anytime, day or night, just ask”. Let me tell you- there are plenty of people who “said” this to me but didn’t mean it so I appreciate those who followed through. Of those who followed thru-my parents gave their all, they were grieving the loss of a son and no matter what, they would stop what they were doing to give me and my children whatever we needed. I had girlfriends who would bring a meal, listen and just sit with us. There were two wonderful guy friends who stepped up and filled an important role of “surrogate husbands and fathers” (totally platonic and out of compassion and love for my children) a sounding board and voice of reason, the gentle yet firm talks that only a father can give- especially when mommy was exhausted and frustrated and would have lashed out in anger and pain with words that would have wounded hearts that were already hurting and grieving. There were the coworkers and friends who knew me well enough to just be “normal” around me and others who knew me very well and knew just when to walk right up to me and without saying a word- just hug me. And I would be remiss if I wasn’t thankful for the many, many people worldwide that held us up in their prayers. And yes with parents who are missionaries- the prayers for our deeply hurting hearts was literally worldwide.

So how does all of this relate to Valentine’s Day? In this country it seems as though Valentine’s day is supposed to be reserved for lovers, yet in other countries it is a day of love and friendship. But for me it was always a fun day, not for the typical reasons. If you were fortunate enough to know Carmen then you understand why this day was fun. Because when it was just us, husband and wife I never got flowers on Valentine’s day- from our earliest dating days- he would buy me candy because he knew my joy in a good box of chocolates filled with nut and caramel variety, but flowers on that day infuriated him. Overpriced and worthless in his mind- instead he would arrive on odd out of the blue days with flowers and a kiss- I would always say “these are beautiful- what are they for?” and I truly loved his reply, “because I love you and I love to see you smile.” But…..when our girls came along there was always flowers and candy for his “pumpkin and cupcake”……he would tell them that he was only celebrating Valentine’s day with them to remind them that they were his loves and that he would always love them. When they asked why he didn’t bring flowers to mommy- he replied that he loved me more than one day could show- so he would bring me flowers on other days. The delight on their faces will forever be ingrained in my heart. And I have to say- that absolute best feeling in the world was when he would remind both them and others that I was his love and he would always choose me above them. What more could a girl want…..than to know that I was loved above all others.

There are so, so many things that I miss with Carmen being gone and there isn’t enough paper or words to tell you all of them. But most of all I miss the little things…..his genuine love for family, his generous gift of his time for whomever asked, the fun of bantering back and forth, his hugs……just being held for no other reason than to just be close, to know that no matter what I had a partner in all things- thick and thin, good and bad, happy and sad. I miss hearing the laughter from our girls as they played and interacted with him.

So on this Valentine’s day…..I am giving myself and our daughters the gift of life and love. Permission to continue on with life and living- Never forgetting what we had but however we deem fit. We have survived because of love and faith, we will let love fill our hearts again. Carmen taught us many valuable lessons in his short time we were given with him and I know that he would not want us to just survive. He knew all about surviving and getting things done….but he also knew the importance of enjoying life and being with those who love you.

And now……I am pulling the “widow card” card on you all- Love is a verb- it is action not just a feeling. I don’t have so much of what my heart once had and I yes I get really annoyed or upset when I see other people wasting what was taken from me- so I challenge you to not waste it- appreciate all those little things! Put love into action- and put down the darn electronics, turn off the tv, put on some fun music and “be” with your loved ones and friends- ask about their day and actually listen to the response. What are their fears and concerns- how can you fill their hearts will the love that is needed? What made them happy today? What made them laugh or cry? Simply give the gift of your time, a meal or a hug with no reason other than filling both your hearts……put Love into action this Valentine’s Day.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

12-31-14 New Years Eve 2014

12/31/14- New Year’s Eve 2014

On this day of reflection we all take time to look back at the year that is coming to a close. Some look back with fondness, some with regret, others with great joy and excitement and others with many different feelings that they just can’t put into words.

As for me…..I look back at what I can only say was once again “a roller coaster”. There are so many days that I think and feel like we are just fine and yet there are times that our hearts just melt into a jumble of pain and the tears flow like a river.

2014 brought many good times and have given me many moments of joy and pride.

We celebrated our Gianna graduating high school and then starting on her journey in college. Both of these special moments brought tears of joy and great sadness at the same time. Carmen should have been here to see his firstborn reach a goal that he helped her obtain by always patiently helping her with homework or projects. Arguing with teachers whom he thought were not doing a good enough job of helping her along and reminding her to always do her best. He should have been here to see his dream of making sure that after graduation she continued her education and followed her dreams to find an occupation that would not be work but a passion that her heart could enjoy.

We also celebrated our Toni “baby” becoming a teenager !! A day that my strong man feared- he always said she was so much like him that he “dreaded” the time when she would hit those teen years and all the worry that would follow. But although Toni has always been a “little Carmen” she also has her own personality and I know in my heart that these two were both so much alike yet so very different. I fondly keep in my heart seeing his daddy pride shining thru. He loved her excitement at doing anything he was doing but especially anything related to hunting, fishing or archery & her love for nature and the outdoors !!

These two girls are growing & maturing into such beautiful young women- both inside and out. Their caring, compassionate, gentle souls and hearts continually and constantly amaze me and bring my heart just a sense of joy and pride. I know that as Carmen looks down at us- he must light up heaven with his excitement at these two precious gifts.

This year also brought sadness once again to our family as we suffered another loss when Carmen’s sister, Maria passed away in October. As a family we try to stay connected but as a lot of families know firsthand-losing so many pieces of the family puzzle makes it hard to see the big picture and to keep the family traditions going.

The girls started a new tradition the other year and with your help we hope that it will continue for many more years- it’s called Carmen’s Crew !! It came from a place of love in that they wanted to both remember and honor their father but to also encourage truck drivers like him who are away from their families especially at the holidays. You can find out more about Carmen’s Crew on facebook by searching for our page Carmen’s Crew- or you can type this into your address bar: https://www.facebook.com/CarmenDiLuzioCrew

My closing thought for 2014 is to remind both myself and you to- LIVE life fully & with no regrets, LOVE deeply those who are in your life, and LAUGH…….we are NOT guaranteed tomorrow so embrace the life you have been given and trust in the Lord’s promise- Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Farewell to 2014 & wishing you a Happy New Year in 2015

Monday, July 21, 2014

7/21/14 When the brain has time to think........

When the brain has time to think………

This is not always a good thing but neither is the opposite of being so busy that you don’t think or deal with things. This past week has been not only physically but emotionally draining and exhausting. I won’t bore you with the details but will tell you that my brain has not really stopped- it is as it was right after Carmen died. My brain refuses to stop thinking and all the thoughts, memories, what if’s etc. play on fast forward. Fast enough that I can’t fully focus on any one particular aspect.

July 11, 2014 was three years since my beloved was taken from me (and our girls) and frankly this widow thing sucks !! There are so many things that can trigger my emotions and often there is nothing that anyone can do for me- except love & accept me right where I am at that point. They need to realize that I am still a broken person…..with a heart that will always have a deep, deep wound that will be raw for a long time to come. Will it ever heal ? Yes- the Lord is good that way and he gives us people in our lives that help with that goal.

Also over these past three years I have talked with people from all aspects of my life: family, friends, church, work, widow groups, grief group etc and I have either written about something on my mind or commented on a statement and numerous times I have been told, “You are so strong, or, your strength and grace amaze me.” I have to admit that these comments both surprise and confuse me- because I can’t see this in myself and I’m not sure what people see in me when they say it.

I am blessed to have a friend that I know I can say anything that is on my heart and the response will be honest and real- not holding back but making sure it is tempered with a gentleness so as to not push me beyond my capability at that point. But in the back of my mind I know that like any good friend- I will be pushed forward so that I can deal with emotions and feelings that have been and probably will be suppressed for some time yet.

Tonight’s conversation included my admission that I see myself as weak because I don’t feel strong especially when I’m having a rough spot. I also admitted that my heart fears that future because I don’t know who I am now. I explained that I have known Carmen since I was 10 year old, started dating him at 16 and married him at 20 years old. I literally grew up with him by my side, my best friend, companion, my confidant, my beloved…….my confidence. I was loved, cherished and treasured for 28 years and expected to grow old with him. But when he was taken from me- I lost so much more than just the man.

I lost who I was for the majority of my life…….I was Mrs. Carmen T. DiLuzio, wife, confidant, friend, lover, companion, mother to his children. I can never forget how he lovingly told me one anniversary that I was his anchor, a beacon of love and safety, he loved how I made our house a home and that no matter what he knew no matter how crappy his day that coming home to me and our girls was the highlight of his day or week. I lost the man who believed in me, the man that would do anything for me, the man who would honestly tell me what was on his mind and heart. His strength, calm under pressure, fierce loyalty and his ability to protect those he loved will forever be etched into my heart and soul.

So when you lose all that you were (except my most treasured job of mother) how do I figure out who I am now? Where do I go from here ? My friend identified a problem that I have- I trusted my beloved with all my heart & now he is not here & his challenge ?......To define who I am for myself.

Friday, May 9, 2014

5/9/14......sitting on the porch.....pondering......

I am sitting on our porch in Carmen's chair......remembering and pondering. I sit and recall our lives, our dreams and how he made me feel. I miss that sparkle in his eye, and the look that a husband reserves for his wife.......he always made both our anniversary and mother's day special. He said both those days were important because on both those days he got to remind me that HE was happy....happy that I said yes when he asked me to marry him and on mother's day.....that I gave him his beautiful children.

So as I celebrate our love and our anniversary.....I grieve.....the loss of my beloved and treasured Carmen.....my husband and the father of our dear sweet daughters, I grieve the loss of what was to be....the future together.

Allow me to take this moment to-Thank each of you. Carmen is always on my mind and so much more today as is expected. I am grateful for your kind and loving messages. I often think that I am doing so well.....and then blam......hits you like a ton of bricks and there is nothing that myself or those who love me can do to fix it- it is grief and the journey just needs to happen. So thank you for trying to make it better <3

Thursday, May 8, 2014

5-9-14.....I am my beloved's and he is mine......our 27th anniversary

“I am my beloveds and he is mine”……May 9, 1987…….27 years ago…….I married the man of my dreams, my soul mate, my best friend.

It has been 9863 days since the happiest day of my life and according to our vows I was his wife for 8829 days, and it’s been 1034 days since the worst day and by human calculators I should have approx. 12,785 days before I can be reunited with my other half. What does it mean that I still miss my husband? It means I was a very lucky woman- because I had someone so very special in my life for 34 years !! Perhaps you may wonder about that last part and the math…..I knew Carmen since I was 10 years old and in some of my earliest teen journals…….I was in love with him back then !!

I keep pictures close by and we surround ourselves with mementos in order to keep you near although you are so very far away. My tears flow often and my heart feels as though it will never heal but when I think of you it brings me strength and I pray that your love will carry me through. So many days I keep myself busy being a mother and all the things that includes doing, however every time I pause…….you are the only thing on my mind and in my heart. You are the first thing I think of when I awake and the last as I finally fall asleep.

There are so many special occasions and moments that I should be sharing and doing with you…..yet I am alone…….so many times that I still want to pick up the phone and tell you something. I want to share everything with you- the good, the bad, the exciting, the boring, the happy and the sad and most of all I wanted to grow old with you…….the always and forever, the happily ever after.

My beloved Carmen……I love you for giving me your heart and for trusting me with your secrets and your insecurities, I am glad you wanted to share your life with me and have me by your side, I love how you could make me smile and reassure me when things were tough, I treasure how you would call me “just because” and our time sitting together discussing literally everything. I miss your confidence and reassurance when I doubted myself. I miss feeling your arms as they would encircle me and how you would pull me close and tell me that you would never let me go. There is so much more yet my heart simply would say……I MISS YOU !!

To those reading this…….yes my heart still hurts as there is not a time limit on grief…..this journey really does resemble a roller coaster with all the ups and downs. So take time sooner rather than later to make time to sit down with your spouse and make sure that you can say-”I am my beloved’s and they are mine”…….make sure that they know how much you truly would be at a loss if they were no longer here. Don’t be shy about giving your entire being to them, talk about your dreams and the future you want to have together, Do NOT let opportunities for showing your love to each other ever pass by thinking that you will have all the time in the world.