Hello everyone.......I posted on fb that it was with your prayers, encouragement and support that we made it thru the day yesterday.
I couldn't fall asleep again last night.....my brain continues to try to process that Carmen will not ever walk thru the door again.......my heart wants to believe that he is still just out on the road.....and trying to get done working so he can come home to us.
Today is another day.........and we will just put one foot in front of the other and continue our journey.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
3/8/2012
We are about to face a very important day tomorrow......Carmen's birthday. All week I've been trying to avoid how I am feeling & as you saw the other day.....it was not a good day !! And I don't forsee that tomorrow will be any better.
I am tired & weary & often don't know what to do about things. I miss the balance that he provided, I miss his arms around me, I miss his kisses and I really miss the look on his face when he would arrive home tired & wiped out.....yet......as soon as the girls would hear his car or hear him coming they would run....yes run to him and the look would change......to a big smile, the tired look would instantly vanish & a peaceful look would replace it.....all in a matter of mere seconds.
Then we would all come in the house......girls hanging off of Carmen.....I would be trailing behind left to carry the lunchbox & his stuff.....but watching them was the highlight of the day. Carmen and I would head to the kitchen- he would wash up & I would clean out the lunchbox, the girls would be anxiously awaiting more hugs and fun......but Carmen would always playfully chase them away....telling them....."Mommy first.....she's my number 1", oh the noise that would cause......the mock fights and them trying to squeeze inbetween Carm & me......we'd hug tighter and turn so they would have to squirm & wiggle in.......then he would open his arms so there would be a "family hug". And the one of the girls would holler...."family kiss" we would all make fish lips and smootch together one big kiss !! The laughter that followed can never be explained. It was then that he would chase them away for my time.....they would whine.....and he would say....."it's Mommy's turn" and that would be my most special time of the day.......I got my kiss & hug, he would comment that dinner smelled good & always ask....."when we eatin?" If it was any longer than 5 minutes.....he would be sneaking something as soon as I turned my back !!!
After dinner was the usual family stuff that we all do in the evenings......homework, baths, playing, snacking, goofing off and cuddling........the girls and I would laugh as soon as Carmen would say....I'm going to "stretch out" on the sofa......because that meant....."I'm so tired but I don't want to go up to bed because I love to hear the noise of the family as I fall asleep".......later I would have to wake him just so I could help him to bed......but as I would wake him.....he would say "I'm not asleep- I'm just resting my eyes".........I would say....really ?? Then why were you snoring ? To which I would get an animated response of "are you kidding me....I don't snore" !!!!
So off to bed we'd go......only after we both would personally retuck the girls and kiss them once again before we went to bed. During the night he would always talk and yes....even argue with someone, often snore but best of all........he would roll over and pull me close......snuggling for hours most nights. His jobs often made it so he would have to get up & leave in the wee hours of the morning. Which we both hated......but I loved to see be with him so as he would get up & get ready in the bathroom.....I would quickly sneak downstairs, finish putting his lunch together & start the coffee. If there was time we would have a cup together before he headed out.
He would leave, I would head back to be for a bit more sleep & then get the girls up later. Our day would begin & as soon as I got them off to school it was time for the first of our check ins with each other. In those few hours his day was already hectic.......but he would tell me that when the phone rang...it was the best part of his morning. And I loved to start my day talking to him. The best thing that we ever did was to make sure that we always answered for each other when we called. No matter how busy he was.....he would answer.....sometimes he would ask "is it important? or can I call you right back....and then he would say...."I'll call you back in xxx amount of minutes" and true to his word.....he would call back right on time !!
As our day progressed......we would call each other......for advice, for comfort, for balance & calm, and to just check in.......we had special ring tones for each other.....so that we wouldn't even have to look at the caller id to see who was calling.....and when I heard his ringtone.....my heart would beat a bit faster. Neither of us ever cared who we were with.....if those ringtones rang.....no one else mattered...the phone got answered.
Now- there is no checking in......no quickening of the heart......no shouts of joy that Daddy's home. None of the special moments that made me who I am or made me whole. Now there is just a hole. A gaping wound that no one can heal. The girls will see my pain and try to make me feel better & their love and hugs are priceless......but there in none like my beloved Carmen.
Happy Birthday dear man........I Love You- with all my heart & soul !! As we often said....we are each other's- lover, best friend, soul mate, breath and strength, we are each other's life & everything !!!
I know you have everything you always wanted or need now.....I know that as you celebrate this first birthday in heaven you are with so many people who love you.......but I miss you !!! I love you and I wish that I could have just had more time with you......and to have you here with me to raise our girls. But you taught them well and although they too are having rough days......You would defintely be proud of them......they are strong young ladies and they amaze me with how they have struggled and forged on ! They talk about you all the time and for that I am glad.....they do worry if you are proud of them.....so I remind them how proud you already were of them & that you couldn't ask for better kids. I remind them......"didn't Daddy always tell you and show you how much he loved you?" and that makes them smile and go on. We take it day by day & some are better than others- but they will never be the same.
Again my love.......Happy Birthday......all my love always & forever.......~Me {{hugs}}
I am tired & weary & often don't know what to do about things. I miss the balance that he provided, I miss his arms around me, I miss his kisses and I really miss the look on his face when he would arrive home tired & wiped out.....yet......as soon as the girls would hear his car or hear him coming they would run....yes run to him and the look would change......to a big smile, the tired look would instantly vanish & a peaceful look would replace it.....all in a matter of mere seconds.
Then we would all come in the house......girls hanging off of Carmen.....I would be trailing behind left to carry the lunchbox & his stuff.....but watching them was the highlight of the day. Carmen and I would head to the kitchen- he would wash up & I would clean out the lunchbox, the girls would be anxiously awaiting more hugs and fun......but Carmen would always playfully chase them away....telling them....."Mommy first.....she's my number 1", oh the noise that would cause......the mock fights and them trying to squeeze inbetween Carm & me......we'd hug tighter and turn so they would have to squirm & wiggle in.......then he would open his arms so there would be a "family hug". And the one of the girls would holler...."family kiss" we would all make fish lips and smootch together one big kiss !! The laughter that followed can never be explained. It was then that he would chase them away for my time.....they would whine.....and he would say....."it's Mommy's turn" and that would be my most special time of the day.......I got my kiss & hug, he would comment that dinner smelled good & always ask....."when we eatin?" If it was any longer than 5 minutes.....he would be sneaking something as soon as I turned my back !!!
After dinner was the usual family stuff that we all do in the evenings......homework, baths, playing, snacking, goofing off and cuddling........the girls and I would laugh as soon as Carmen would say....I'm going to "stretch out" on the sofa......because that meant....."I'm so tired but I don't want to go up to bed because I love to hear the noise of the family as I fall asleep".......later I would have to wake him just so I could help him to bed......but as I would wake him.....he would say "I'm not asleep- I'm just resting my eyes".........I would say....really ?? Then why were you snoring ? To which I would get an animated response of "are you kidding me....I don't snore" !!!!
So off to bed we'd go......only after we both would personally retuck the girls and kiss them once again before we went to bed. During the night he would always talk and yes....even argue with someone, often snore but best of all........he would roll over and pull me close......snuggling for hours most nights. His jobs often made it so he would have to get up & leave in the wee hours of the morning. Which we both hated......but I loved to see be with him so as he would get up & get ready in the bathroom.....I would quickly sneak downstairs, finish putting his lunch together & start the coffee. If there was time we would have a cup together before he headed out.
He would leave, I would head back to be for a bit more sleep & then get the girls up later. Our day would begin & as soon as I got them off to school it was time for the first of our check ins with each other. In those few hours his day was already hectic.......but he would tell me that when the phone rang...it was the best part of his morning. And I loved to start my day talking to him. The best thing that we ever did was to make sure that we always answered for each other when we called. No matter how busy he was.....he would answer.....sometimes he would ask "is it important? or can I call you right back....and then he would say...."I'll call you back in xxx amount of minutes" and true to his word.....he would call back right on time !!
As our day progressed......we would call each other......for advice, for comfort, for balance & calm, and to just check in.......we had special ring tones for each other.....so that we wouldn't even have to look at the caller id to see who was calling.....and when I heard his ringtone.....my heart would beat a bit faster. Neither of us ever cared who we were with.....if those ringtones rang.....no one else mattered...the phone got answered.
Now- there is no checking in......no quickening of the heart......no shouts of joy that Daddy's home. None of the special moments that made me who I am or made me whole. Now there is just a hole. A gaping wound that no one can heal. The girls will see my pain and try to make me feel better & their love and hugs are priceless......but there in none like my beloved Carmen.
Happy Birthday dear man........I Love You- with all my heart & soul !! As we often said....we are each other's- lover, best friend, soul mate, breath and strength, we are each other's life & everything !!!
I know you have everything you always wanted or need now.....I know that as you celebrate this first birthday in heaven you are with so many people who love you.......but I miss you !!! I love you and I wish that I could have just had more time with you......and to have you here with me to raise our girls. But you taught them well and although they too are having rough days......You would defintely be proud of them......they are strong young ladies and they amaze me with how they have struggled and forged on ! They talk about you all the time and for that I am glad.....they do worry if you are proud of them.....so I remind them how proud you already were of them & that you couldn't ask for better kids. I remind them......"didn't Daddy always tell you and show you how much he loved you?" and that makes them smile and go on. We take it day by day & some are better than others- but they will never be the same.
Again my love.......Happy Birthday......all my love always & forever.......~Me {{hugs}}
Thursday, February 23, 2012
02/23/2012
I guess my original thoughts weren't meant to be shared........I was typing a post and I got interupted and then I mistakenly hit the back button and the whole thing disappeared.
I was saying that there are many a hard days and feelings that I either don't know OR don't want to deal with.....so often I prefer to keep busy. Not so busy that I don't think about things but busy enough that reality still only gets to creep in instead of running me over.
One thing that bugs me is when people havent' seen me a a few weeks and ask me "so how are you doing now?"........I want to reply- "how do you think I am doing? Do you think that a few weeks has made things better? Do you think that the pain of losing my soul mate and all of our hopes, dreams and life together has suddenly gotten better since you last saw me? Or maybe you thought that dealing with two daughters who adored their daddy and their pain has gone by the wayside?
Many times they will say......I understand what you are feeling. Really ?? I dont' care what you think....but if you haven't lost your beloved spouse in the way that Carmen was taken from us then don't tell us that you understand. I had a couple of people tell me that since they've lost their husbands that they know what I am going thru.........well I hate to break it to them but ....ummmm no you don't. They were able to finish raising their children together, then enjoy retirement with them, followed by having & enjoy grandchilren together. Then their loved one passed away peacefully in their sleep. (now I know they mean well......but come on !!)
How on earth do you expect me to think that you comprehend my pain. Now I also know that there are some people who have lost their spouses in an unexpected death (like a heart attack) and so they are getting closer to understanding, then there are the ones who's loved ones may have died in some horrible like a car accident......they are even closer to comprehending ......but unless it was sudden & frightfully atrocious manner like Carmen then please don't tell me you understand.
Feel free to say that you sympathize, or are empathetic, but don't attempt to compare the two. Do they also have to deal with the almost daily reminders that your children will grow up and each milestone they reach they will say...." I wish Daddy were here- how would be so proud" .......I try to teach them and remind them that their Daddy couldn't be more proud of them. Or that as they reach each of these milestones........it carries them one step closer to their hopes and dreams !! Yet......as they reach for these goals......it also means that I am am one step closer to them leaving to embark on their journey. And then once again.......I will get to expererience the emptyness once again.
Now I am not saying that we are the first or only ones who are going thru this.......but I do want them to think before they either say or email us with these types of comments.
So.....on to other things. Please continue to pray for us- there are so many days that are still quite a roller coaster adn I know that your prayers are what is getting us thru.
Thanks for letting me rant ! I hope you all have a good Friday and a relaxing weekend !!
I was saying that there are many a hard days and feelings that I either don't know OR don't want to deal with.....so often I prefer to keep busy. Not so busy that I don't think about things but busy enough that reality still only gets to creep in instead of running me over.
One thing that bugs me is when people havent' seen me a a few weeks and ask me "so how are you doing now?"........I want to reply- "how do you think I am doing? Do you think that a few weeks has made things better? Do you think that the pain of losing my soul mate and all of our hopes, dreams and life together has suddenly gotten better since you last saw me? Or maybe you thought that dealing with two daughters who adored their daddy and their pain has gone by the wayside?
Many times they will say......I understand what you are feeling. Really ?? I dont' care what you think....but if you haven't lost your beloved spouse in the way that Carmen was taken from us then don't tell us that you understand. I had a couple of people tell me that since they've lost their husbands that they know what I am going thru.........well I hate to break it to them but ....ummmm no you don't. They were able to finish raising their children together, then enjoy retirement with them, followed by having & enjoy grandchilren together. Then their loved one passed away peacefully in their sleep. (now I know they mean well......but come on !!)
How on earth do you expect me to think that you comprehend my pain. Now I also know that there are some people who have lost their spouses in an unexpected death (like a heart attack) and so they are getting closer to understanding, then there are the ones who's loved ones may have died in some horrible like a car accident......they are even closer to comprehending ......but unless it was sudden & frightfully atrocious manner like Carmen then please don't tell me you understand.
Feel free to say that you sympathize, or are empathetic, but don't attempt to compare the two. Do they also have to deal with the almost daily reminders that your children will grow up and each milestone they reach they will say...." I wish Daddy were here- how would be so proud" .......I try to teach them and remind them that their Daddy couldn't be more proud of them. Or that as they reach each of these milestones........it carries them one step closer to their hopes and dreams !! Yet......as they reach for these goals......it also means that I am am one step closer to them leaving to embark on their journey. And then once again.......I will get to expererience the emptyness once again.
Now I am not saying that we are the first or only ones who are going thru this.......but I do want them to think before they either say or email us with these types of comments.
So.....on to other things. Please continue to pray for us- there are so many days that are still quite a roller coaster adn I know that your prayers are what is getting us thru.
Thanks for letting me rant ! I hope you all have a good Friday and a relaxing weekend !!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
2/12/12
Yesterday was 7 months. Seven months of waiting for Carmen to walk back in the door. Seven months of wondering what really happened to my beloved. Seven months of my heart breaking but also feeling numb. Seven months of trying to help our daughters grieve and to allow them to start to live. To help them feel something other than loss and pain. All the while my heart breaks, a hole that can never be filled.
It is said that grief is a path that is traveled alone. For no one can truly understand the pain you are feeling. Each person has a different perspective and experience. It is so very hard to let others in- to let them really know the pain that I feel. Most people think that I am so strong and that I am doing so well, but in reality- I am tired and in pain. When your heart is breaking it is exhausting.
I am keeping busy & for now that is what I need. I am also busy planning a "Celebration of life party to honor Carmen.....and also to celebrate what would have been our 25th anniversary. I am blessed in that last May....right after our 24th anniversary.....I found out Carmen was planning to celebrate our 25th in a big way. He had plans to renew our vows and to surprise me with some other fun things.
Well......I am off for now- probably won't post again until after the sting of Valentines day passes. I know I have said this before......but I am thankful for all of my family and friends. I am thankful for your support and love.
It is said that grief is a path that is traveled alone. For no one can truly understand the pain you are feeling. Each person has a different perspective and experience. It is so very hard to let others in- to let them really know the pain that I feel. Most people think that I am so strong and that I am doing so well, but in reality- I am tired and in pain. When your heart is breaking it is exhausting.
I am keeping busy & for now that is what I need. I am also busy planning a "Celebration of life party to honor Carmen.....and also to celebrate what would have been our 25th anniversary. I am blessed in that last May....right after our 24th anniversary.....I found out Carmen was planning to celebrate our 25th in a big way. He had plans to renew our vows and to surprise me with some other fun things.
Well......I am off for now- probably won't post again until after the sting of Valentines day passes. I know I have said this before......but I am thankful for all of my family and friends. I am thankful for your support and love.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
2/5/2012
It's been a few weeks since I've last written. Not for a lack of things to write.....but rather lack of time...we've been keeping busy. This weekend we've been celebrating Gianna's birthday. We were fortunate to be able to have two parties. The first one was on friday night. My nieces, spouse Brian and son Nicky, along with brother in law Tommy & Gianna's boyfriend came over. Nat brought Gianna a red velvet cake !! Saturday was our usual morning of cheerleading with our happy cheerleader Toni !!! Then my parents came down for dinner. Mom made baked french toast with extra raisins, walnuts & goo...per the birthday girl's request. We followed that up with Stock's pound cake topped with strawberries & whip cream.....but the party didn't stop there. After dinner we had another crew join us.....Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Sis in Laws, Friends- mine and the girls !! Another shout out to my friend Chrissie......once again.....another GREAT cake !!! Yummmmm !!!! Tomorrow the fun continues.......Gianna's actual birthday......and she has a swim meet.......so I am going to "help" the team by bringing the party to them. Gianna & I put together brownies, rice crispy treats, mini donuts and small strudels !! Then we will finish the night with Mother/daughter night at EG's.
I am blessed......the Lord has given me two wonderful daughters !!!!
******************************************************************************
On another topic........I post this question .........who came up with the phrase "time heals" ???
I am blessed......the Lord has given me two wonderful daughters !!!!
******************************************************************************
On another topic........I post this question .........who came up with the phrase "time heals" ???
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
1/17/2012
Hello everyone......some of you may have read that I got the BEST GIFT ever last night !!! But in case you didn't see it..... Toni found a recording of Carmen talking to us on the phone. It was so utterly amazing, awesome, terrific, exciting, heart melting recording that we could have found !!!
Everyone I've told can't understand how my cell phone would have recorded our conversation and that it only recorded his side of it.
All I can say......is that no matter what you believe......I don't care how it came to be there....or how it happened, I am just thankful that God allowed Toni to find it !!!!
My heart did a happy sigh !!!
Everyone I've told can't understand how my cell phone would have recorded our conversation and that it only recorded his side of it.
All I can say......is that no matter what you believe......I don't care how it came to be there....or how it happened, I am just thankful that God allowed Toni to find it !!!!
My heart did a happy sigh !!!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)