4/29/2012 - the countdown begins....

Last night I posted on facebook- that I had gone to bed & to my amazement - it was empty- Toni is in her own bed. I went to tuck her & when I gave her a kiss- she asked "will you always have room for me if I need to come back? Gianna replies from her room "of course she will with open arms".......as a mother....hearing this =PRICELESS !!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I posted this tonight-

Hi everyone.....I got a few inbox messages so I hope no one minds that I am posting instead of replying to you individually. This is just to clarify my last post a bit. My heart was filled with joy with the way the girls feel......but the bigger comfort was the big step for Toni.......it has been 9 1/2 months since she slept in her own bed. She couldn't bear to leave- because this is where she said she "felt close to Daddy"..... so although it might not last......and I will indeed welcome her back with open arms if she needs me......it was another step in this journey and I was proud of her.

Keep us close to your hearts- I am 10 days away from what would have been a truly wonderful day to Carmen and me- it was to be our 25th anniversary. I am going thru with what Carmen had planned to surprise me with.....a party. The girls and I have changed it a bit though- it will be a "Celebration of Life" party. We are going to celebrate the man I love, my soulmate, my best friend, the father of our beautiful daughters, a wonderful son and brother, and a loyal friend.

Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts & prayers, and thank you for the love, encouragement and support you give to us. It has brought us this far & I hope you will continue to stay in our lives. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

 

 

4/21/2012

My Darling Angel..... my dearest angel up above. I am writing you this poem with all my love. The day God called you home & took you away from me, was the day my world had changed, literally ! To lose you, nobody will understand, the pain it feels- like a thousand knives have ripped thru my ...heart. My world turned upside down, it has torn me apart ! Even after your parting, I searched for you, I thought I saw you a few times....but I knew it wasn't you, my mind was playing tricks, and my mind didn't want to believe you had gone. It's the littlest things I miss from you- a cuddle, your smile, a touch of your hand, a hug. They all seem so simple- anybody could do...but it's not from YOU- nobody would understand. I hate that you were taken from me, I hate that you are gone from here. We were meant to live this life as one, to never be apart, what God has joined, a family. You are now my guardian angel, as you are very special, protecting us, giving us your guidance & love from above. Watch over us, send us your love, give us some signs so we feel you there. I love you always, forever in our hearts. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4-10-2012

It is almost 9 months since Carmen was taken from us- often I do not sleep- but when I do- I am grateful for the nights when I dream of my beloved !! Carmen was a man of integrity, honesty & intense love. When you interacted with him you knew where you stood- sometimes his honesty could be brutal- but you knew from that honesty that he loved you with all of his being. Because if he did not like y...ou- he would ignore you- he wouldn't even bother wasting his breath talking to you. Family was everything to him- a priority -NOT an option to him. {He lived with the heartache of some broken relationships- but in the last months of this life he tried to fix them- but sadly he was taken from us before they could all be fixed- I have tried to reassure those affected that he DID indeed love them- and I believe that they now know this to be true}
Since his death- I’ve been reminded that we need to choose our words carefully, no matter how much you argue or fight- your family should be your family, make sure that you live your life with NO REGRETS- Tell them you love them !! But more importantly…..SHOW them you love them !! Your ACTIONS speak LOUDER than your words. Choose what you say & do carefully- we are NOT promised tomorrow- all that you love and hold dear can be ripped from you in an instant & do you want those actions to be the last memory you have ??
Death leaves a heartache that no one can fill…..while love leaves a memory that no one can steal. So…….don’t be stupid- take the time to fix the broken links in the family or friend chain. Speak the truth, Listen to the other person, Respect their point of view- even if it is different from yours, Forgive and last but not by any means least- LOVE the other person. I’m not saying it will be easy- some people will purposefully sabotage other relationships- they are sandpaper people- but in the end they will be useless and you will be polished. So…..don’t wait….pick up the phone, write a heartfelt letter, or better yet…..go talk to them in person.

4-7-2012

Wow.....what a day- quite good !! Slept in= ahhh ♥ , then had a relaxing morning & fun conversations !! Headed out to get some things done. While we were out & enjoying ourselves we ran into some old friends & that was also nice. We then had an encounter with someone who was so unbelievably rude to the girls that after my stunned response that an adult would act like that to kids.....I made a phon...e call to gripe about it. After griping I received two text messages that made me laugh & they reminded me that- that person is SO NOT worth another thought & that someday they will get all they deserve. I am truly very thankful to all of you who do love us & are interested in being part of our lives & are here.

There are many days that I get weary on this journey & I ask God "why have you allowed this to happen?" I've still not gotten an answer & I will admit that I really am not as strong as you may think I am. It is by the grace of God & his blessings that he has put people in my life that continue to love me and the girls. I am really and truly thankful and glad to have you in our lives. Each of you play a different & essential role. I hope none of you ever underestimate your importance. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4/1/2012

Did you ever want something so badly it hurt ? So bad that you could feel it with every fiber of your being? So deep in your soul that it feels bottomless & you will never quite reach it ??

I have.....I do......I was dreaming or I guess I should say I was hoping that somehow....Carmen was going to walk thru the door and tell us April fools.......I'm home !!

Easter is approaching and thankfully today the girls told me.....they don't feel like decorating for Easter this year. And I must tell you all that I laughed at the next part- "we don't need decorations....but we're still getting our Easter baskets right ??"  So......can you guess what I did next ?? Yes you guessed it....we went shopping for candy !!  And yes......I went overboard.....but the funny part....they will want to eat some candy on Easter morning....but other than that- the girls aren't huge candy eaters....they want a few pieces a day but that's it- really.....I JUST got rid of some Halloween candy !!  :)

We've had some great moments since Carmen's birthday and I am thankful each day for our daughters and the love we share. I am blessed and the Lord will continue to bring us along on this journey.