7-31-12 thoughts.......

This post was from a new friend’s page: but it very true & not just for the loss of a husband.....but the loss of any of our loved ones. So here it is...... abbreviated & then my thoughts added.

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A counselor made this comment that helped with this whole grieving process. They were talking about outsiders, society, & people who don't "get" this but still give their judgmental opinions about how I need to "move on" or "let go". She was told simply: "You do not have to let go of your husband. Not ever ! That is not the goal- the goal is for you to be able to live a life, and in that life, your husband will always be a part of it. He is a part of you- it would be impossible to let him go.

The idea is not to let him go- but rather to gradually change your relationship with him. It's a shift- even though he isn't here, you still have a relationship & You always will ! That doesn’t die. We need to figure out what that relationship IS now, how it works, and where to place him in your new life."

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So from the moment I was told that Carmen was killed....I had to shift.....first I shifted into shock, but then I shifted into Mommy mode.....how do I protect my babies....how do I help them with this most unbearable pain ?? Then I shifted into just existing.....figuring out how to go on.....without my beloved Carmen by my side. I quickly realized that I could NOT be both Mommy and Daddy. I sat the girls down and told them…..I’m sorry….I can’t fix this- I can’t make this better, I can’t make this pain go away…..I can only try to be the best mommy that I can be. This is not going to be easy or pleasant…..I don’t know why God has allowed this to happen to us and I can’t say that I am happy with him for it but we need to keep focused on him….knowing that he has our best interest at heart & will bring us thru.

One day we will laugh again…..one day the pain will not be as painful…..it will always be with us but so will Carmen……the love, values and knowledge he gave us will live on in us. He was a strong, a caring and loving man- who is with us forever……we can’t be afraid to grieve or for that matter to go forward with our lives……because we will never let him go……we will just find our new normal & figure out where to go from here.  I LOVE YOU Carm……always have & always will !!  xoxox o

7-9-12 The night before 1 year mark......

I know that tonight will be a long night & that sleep may elude me……in under 7 hours my beloved husband Carmen was killed…..he was ripped from our lives in a horrific manner. In about 11 hours I will have been answering the door to find two NCCo police officers, asking my name & if I was the wife of Carmen T. DiLuzio ?  Immediately….your mind knows what is going to happen….your stomach cramps, your throat closes and your heart beats out of your chest……I hear the words…..your husband Carmen was killed this morning……I fall to the floor, they help me to the sofa…..I tell them they are lying…..they tell me they are sorry and is there anyone they can call ? I remember asking what happened & if they were sure ?? They then ask if I want them to tell the girls……I distinctly remember telling them….no one but me would tell them this horrible news !! They came up from the playroom (I later find out they heard a few words & just wanted to come to me- they didn’t know it was Carmen)……I sat with them on the sofa…..the officers standing by the door……I hugged them close & told them ……I will never forget their screams, their faces, their pain, the unbelief……….I then remember the police asking if they could call someone for us…….I tell them no……I tell them they need to leave. They do not….they gently but firmly tell me that they will not leave us until someone comes. I do not really remember (but I’ve been told that I made a few brief, blunt phone calls & hung up) the police discretely handled the return calls until my family arrived. The following week was a blur….so many people came to us to offer help, love & condolences and support.

The girls and I have faced many challenges this past year…..we have had so many ups & downs but we have had the support of so many of you. The love, encouragement, kind words, hugs, notes, the small surprise gifts at important times to let us know that we continue to be in your thoughts & prayers- this continues to give us strength.

This past year….we have faced some relationship changes- I have to face the reality that I am now a widow (yes…..I can finally say the word- I hate it but I can admit it) the girls and I have realized that we have lost some family & friendships……and that is their loss…….but in that same breath I can say that we have gained, strengthened, and are rebuilding other relationships.

I hope that if you are reading this that you realize how much you mean to us !!  We could not have reached this milestone without the support of our family & friends. BUT……we are not done……this is just a milestone……our journey without Carmen & our journey of grief continues……we will still need you and still value each and every one of you- you each give us something different & unique & we love you for that reason.

My reminder is that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow……so don’t let anything come between you & anyone you love. More importantly than telling someone you love them…..SHOW them.  Communicate & let others have their feelings……if need be…..agree to disagree but don’t leave each other mad.

7/5/12

We were able to spend a few days in NYC- while there we celebrated Toni's 11th birthday at the Statue of Liberty & Ellis Island. This was another one of those good & bad moment. So much fun yet it was something that Carmen had promised to do with us.

The girls and I took the trip with my parents and our adopted brother from Germany and a good time was enjoyed by all. We also visited ground zero, the cathedral, atrium and other fun spots.

My heart is hurting & often empty & my brain is counting down the days- 6. I know there is nothing magical about that day.....my heart will not all of a sudden be healed, nothing will bring him back and nothing can fill that hole......but I guess my head is hoping for something- something along the lines that I will all of a sudden wake up and that Carmen will be there beside me telling me that this has all been the worst nightmare of my life.

Anyway......literally riding a roller coaster of ups & downs.....sometimes all within a few moments of each other !!!