3/8/2012

We are about to face a very important day tomorrow......Carmen's birthday. All week I've been trying to avoid how I am feeling & as you saw the other day.....it was not a good day !! And I don't forsee that tomorrow will be any better.

I am tired & weary & often don't know what to do about things. I miss the balance that he provided, I miss his arms around me, I miss his kisses and I really miss the look on his face when he would arrive home tired & wiped out.....yet......as soon as the girls would hear his car or hear him coming they would run....yes run to him and the look would change......to a big smile, the tired look would instantly vanish & a peaceful look would replace it.....all in a matter of mere seconds.

Then we would all come in the house......girls hanging off of Carmen.....I would be trailing behind left to carry the lunchbox & his stuff.....but watching them was the highlight of the day. Carmen and I would head to the kitchen- he would wash up & I would clean out the lunchbox, the girls would be anxiously awaiting more hugs and fun......but Carmen would always playfully chase them away....telling them....."Mommy first.....she's my number 1", oh the noise that would cause......the mock fights and them trying to squeeze inbetween Carm & me......we'd hug tighter and turn so they would have to squirm & wiggle in.......then he would open his arms so there would be a "family hug". And the one of the girls would holler...."family kiss" we would all make fish lips and smootch together one big kiss !! The laughter that followed can never be explained. It was then that he would chase them away for my time.....they would whine.....and he would say....."it's Mommy's turn" and that would be my most special time of the day.......I got my kiss & hug, he would comment that dinner smelled good & always ask....."when we eatin?"  If it was any longer than 5 minutes.....he would be sneaking something as soon as I turned my back !!!

After dinner was the usual family stuff that we all do in the evenings......homework, baths, playing, snacking, goofing off and cuddling........the girls and I would laugh as soon as Carmen would say....I'm going to "stretch out" on the sofa......because that meant....."I'm so tired but I don't want to go up to bed because I love to hear the noise of the family as I fall asleep".......later I would have to wake him just so I could help him to bed......but as I would wake him.....he would say "I'm not asleep- I'm just resting my eyes".........I would say....really ?? Then why were you snoring ? To which I would get an animated response of "are you kidding me....I don't snore" !!!!

So off to bed we'd go......only after we both would personally retuck the girls and kiss them once again before we went to bed. During the night he would always talk and yes....even argue with someone, often snore but best of all........he would roll over and pull me close......snuggling for hours most nights. His jobs often made it so he would have to get up & leave in the wee hours of the morning. Which we both hated......but I loved to see be with him so as he would get up & get ready in the bathroom.....I would quickly sneak downstairs, finish putting his lunch together & start the coffee. If there was time we would have a cup together before he headed out.

He would leave, I would head back to be for a bit more sleep & then get the girls up later. Our day would begin & as soon as I got them off to school it was time for the first of our check ins with each other. In those few hours his day was already hectic.......but he would tell me that when the phone rang...it was the best part of his morning. And I loved to start my day talking to him. The best thing that we ever did was to make sure that we always answered for each other when we called. No matter how busy he was.....he would answer.....sometimes he would ask "is it important? or can I call you right back....and then he would say...."I'll call you back in xxx amount of minutes" and true to his word.....he would call back right on time !!

As our day progressed......we would call each other......for advice, for comfort, for balance & calm, and to just check in.......we had special ring tones for each other.....so that we wouldn't even have to look at the caller id to see who was calling.....and when I heard his ringtone.....my heart would beat a bit faster. Neither of us ever cared who we were with.....if those ringtones rang.....no one else mattered...the phone got answered.

Now- there is no checking in......no quickening of the heart......no shouts of joy that Daddy's home. None of the special moments that made me who I am or made me whole. Now there is just a hole. A gaping wound that no one can heal. The girls will see my pain and try to make me feel better & their love and hugs are priceless......but there in none like my beloved Carmen.

Happy Birthday dear man........I Love You- with all my heart & soul !! As we often said....we are each other's- lover, best friend, soul mate, breath and strength, we are each other's life & everything !!!

I know you have everything you always wanted or need now.....I know that as you celebrate this first birthday in heaven you are with so many people who love you.......but I miss you !!! I love you and I wish that I could have just had more time with you......and to have you here with me to raise our girls. But you taught them well and although they too are having rough days......You would defintely be proud of them......they are strong young ladies and they amaze me with how they have struggled and forged on !  They talk about you all the time and for that I am glad.....they do worry if you are proud of them.....so I remind them how proud you already were of them & that you couldn't ask for better kids. I remind them......"didn't Daddy always tell you and show you how much he loved you?" and that makes them smile and go on. We take it day by day & some are better than others- but they will never be the same.

Again my love.......Happy Birthday......all my love always & forever.......~Me   {{hugs}}

02/23/2012

I guess my original thoughts weren't meant to be shared........I was typing a post and I got interupted and then I mistakenly hit the back button and the whole thing disappeared.

I was saying that there are many a hard days and feelings that I either don't know OR don't want to deal with.....so often I prefer to keep busy. Not so busy that I don't think about things but busy enough that reality still only gets to creep in instead of running me over.

One thing that bugs me is when people havent' seen me a a few weeks and ask me "so how are you doing now?"........I want to reply- "how do you think I am doing? Do you think that a few weeks has made things better? Do you think that the pain of losing my soul mate and all of our hopes, dreams and life together has suddenly gotten better since you last saw me?  Or maybe you thought that dealing with two daughters who adored their daddy and their pain has gone by the wayside?

Many times they will say......I understand what you are feeling. Really ??  I dont' care what you think....but if you haven't lost your beloved spouse in the way that Carmen was taken from us then don't tell us that you understand.  I had a couple of people tell me that since they've lost their husbands that they know what I am going thru.........well I hate to break it to them but ....ummmm no you don't. They were able to finish raising their children together, then enjoy retirement with them, followed by having & enjoy grandchilren together. Then their loved one passed away peacefully in their sleep. (now I know they mean well......but come on !!) 

How on earth do you expect me to think that you comprehend my pain.  Now I also know that there are some people who have lost their spouses in an unexpected death (like a heart attack) and so they are getting closer to understanding, then there are the ones who's loved ones may have died in some horrible like a car accident......they are even closer to comprehending ......but unless it was sudden & frightfully atrocious manner like Carmen then please don't tell me you understand.

Feel free to say that you sympathize, or are empathetic, but don't attempt to compare the two. Do they also have to deal with the almost daily reminders that your children will grow up and each milestone they reach they will say...." I wish Daddy were here- how would be so proud" .......I try to teach them and remind them that their Daddy couldn't be more proud of them.  Or that as they reach each of these milestones........it carries them one step closer to their hopes and dreams !!  Yet......as they reach for these goals......it also means that I am am one step closer to them leaving to embark on their journey. And then once again.......I will get to expererience the emptyness once again.

Now I am not saying that we are the first or only ones who are going thru this.......but I do want them to think before they either say or email us with these types of comments.

So.....on to other things. Please continue to pray for us- there are so many days that are still quite a roller coaster adn I know that your prayers are what is getting us thru.

Thanks for letting me rant !   I hope you all have a good Friday and a relaxing weekend !!

2/12/12

Yesterday was 7 months. Seven months of waiting for Carmen to walk back in the door. Seven months of wondering what really happened to my beloved. Seven months of my heart breaking but also feeling numb. Seven months of trying to help our daughters grieve and to allow them to start to live. To help them feel something other than loss and pain. All the while my heart breaks, a hole that can never be filled.

It is said that grief is a path that is traveled alone. For no one can truly understand the pain you are feeling. Each person has a different perspective and experience. It is so very hard to let others in- to let them really know the pain that I feel. Most people think that I am so strong and that I am doing so well, but in reality- I am tired and in pain. When your heart is breaking it is exhausting. 

I am keeping busy & for now that is what I need. I am also busy planning a "Celebration of life party to honor Carmen.....and also to celebrate what would have been our 25th anniversary. I am blessed in that last May....right after our 24th anniversary.....I found out Carmen was planning to celebrate our 25th in a big way. He had plans to renew our vows and to surprise me with some other fun things.

Well......I am off for now- probably won't post again until after the sting of Valentines day passes. I know I have said this before......but I am thankful for all of my family and friends. I am thankful for your support and love.

2/5/2012

It's been a few weeks since I've last written. Not for a lack of things to write.....but rather lack of time...we've been keeping busy. This weekend we've been celebrating Gianna's birthday. We were fortunate to be able to have two parties. The first one was on friday night. My nieces, spouse Brian and son Nicky, along with brother in law Tommy & Gianna's boyfriend came over. Nat brought Gianna a red velvet cake !! Saturday was our usual morning of cheerleading with our happy cheerleader Toni !!! Then my parents came down for dinner. Mom made baked french toast with extra raisins, walnuts & goo...per the birthday girl's request. We followed that up with Stock's pound cake topped with strawberries & whip cream.....but the party didn't stop there. After dinner we had another crew join us.....Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Sis in Laws, Friends- mine and the girls !!  Another shout out to my friend Chrissie......once again.....another GREAT cake !!! Yummmmm !!!!  Tomorrow the fun continues.......Gianna's actual birthday......and she has a swim meet.......so I am going to "help" the team by bringing the party to them. Gianna & I put together brownies, rice crispy treats, mini donuts and small strudels !! Then we will finish the night with Mother/daughter night at EG's.

I am blessed......the Lord has given me two wonderful daughters !!!!
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On another topic........I post this question .........who came up with the phrase "time heals" ???

This was my fb post earlier.....Some more thoughts on grief- who came up with the phrase ” time heals” ? And what were they referring to ? Certainly can't be grief. Because time doesn't heal- time may lessen the intensity but it certainly doesn't make it go away. It is there forever and always.......this means there is NO time limit on grief.

I am finding....that the hardest parts are not immediate or even at the "big things" instead it is the "small things". You know the times you realize that the shock has worn off, the support of the well meaning is fading and now......it hits......life will never be the same. As the fog lifts and you start to regain your brain......and the everyday tasks are once again endless......you realize that you are going to always have this huge hole in your life, the loss will hit you like a truck when you least expect it.

It will be challenging when people ask "how are you?" or when time passes and they have gone on with their lives.....yet they don't remember that you have lost a huge & major part of yourself. How do you explain so they will understand.....that when the "two became one.....& now that one has been ripped apart with no chance to say goodbye" that the part who has been left behind just doesn't "get over" it.

There is no quick recovery, we will always carry this feeling of pain, hurt and loss- BUT we will also carry the love, memories and feelings forever !!

The girls and I struggle in our own ways......but thru these battles.....we will always carry Carmen with us and we do our best to focus on the love & good memories not the loss.

As you sit and plan for tomorrow....remember that "Time is so short and life is fleeting....you never know what will happen next. So Love those around you as if there is no tomorrow and live your life without any regrets. Time with those you love is precious and priceless. Make the most of it and never let them forget you love them. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

1/17/2012

Hello everyone......some of you may have read that I got the BEST GIFT ever last night !!! But in case you didn't see it..... Toni found a recording of Carmen talking to us on the phone. It was so utterly amazing, awesome, terrific, exciting, heart melting recording that we could have found !!!

Everyone I've told can't understand how my cell phone would have recorded our conversation and that it only recorded his side of it.

All I can say......is that no matter what you believe......I don't care how it came to be there....or how it happened, I am just thankful that God allowed Toni to find it !!!!

My heart did a happy sigh !!!

1/11/2012 - 6 months today........

Today is 6 months and I am struggling with the loss of my beloved Carmen.

But I am a warrior- yes a warrior. I want those who know me to understand…....that anyone who is grieving the loss of someone they love is actively fighting a war. It is a war of engagement, a war of conflict and a war of survival. It is fought on many battlefields of the heart and soul- and it endures for many long days & nights.

This is not something I chose, but I can choose to be a warrior with a warrior spirit. I can believe in myself and my ability to get thru this. I am lucky & feel blessed to have my friends around me to stand by my side and to have my back. So thank you !!!
Accompanying me into battle are these words- (Hope)- filling me with love, telling me that no matter what I will heal one day. I will one day be happy & fulfilled again. (Courage) Life is uncertain but I have decided to take each day one step at a time, by doing this I will gain momentum to keep moving forward despite the fear & doubts that come my way. (Faith) I know that my Lord will get me thru this and is here by my side the whole time. I am not alone. (Love) Love will transcend loss and becomes greater each day. The love in my heart for my beloved Carmen, Gianna & Toni will sustain me and help me find my way. (Resilence) It is said “ it is not in the falling that we demonstrate resilience but in the getting back up again.” So I will face the pain and fear and I although I will sometimes fail and break down in tears …..I WILL get back up. And lastly (Rise) I will not allow what has happened to me and the girls define us. We will rise again, we will allow our sorrow to find it’s voice & roar and like the phoenix- we WILL ARISE FROM THE ASHES !!!

1/8/2012

Well....the new year arrived and we continue on our journey without Carmen. Since Christmas we've had some more of those ups & downs. We were off from school & work for Christmas break. We got to visit the Franklin Inst. to experience the CSI exhibit. It was alot of fun & the girls were so very observant.  :)  yes......they solved all 3 cases !!!  On the down side.....the girls had been fighting off some sort of bug... but it didnt' last.....they both got sick. Thankfully after some rest & OTC meds Gianna got better & Toni needed some antibiotics for bronchitis and is doing much better.

On New Years Eve morning we attended my grandmother's funeral. For me it was more heartbreaking to see my father, his brothers and sisters sadness. I feel bad that I couldn't feel more for her but my heart is still so broken that I think my mind shut off all feeling other than the pain of seeing my father's heart hurt. She lived a long life to the age of 97.

On New Year's night......the girls and I continued our tradition of staying up until midnight....watching the ball drop, sharing a smooch & going outside to bang pots loudly in attempts to wake the neighborhood. We then came in and made our phone calls !! As usual.....the girls loved this !!!

This past weekend we had a multifaceted get together (or as I called it my anti-birthday party). The girls, my parents, dear Kim, Robert, Alex, my sister in law Paula & Lily all were here to get together for Christmas, New Years and for my Mother's and my birthday. I made a good bit of tasty tidbits.... (well ok....I can't say made.....I got a good bit) of tasty food together. We had pepperoni & cheese with 3 types of crackers, shrimp cocktail, carrots & dip, trail mix (for the healthy minded) snack mix (for the rest of us) ......we then moved on to meatball & roast beef sandwiches. Robert brought some delicious potato salad to have on the side. After some time for all that to settle......we moved on to one terrific cake (shout out to Chrissie- YUM !!!)  Chrissie is amazing......I was not feeling the whole birthday thing......and other than telling her 1/2 vanilla 1/2 chocolate & telling her to write Happy Birthday Mom !! I didn't give any other specs......sneaky chickie.....waited until I wasn't around and asked Toni for my mother's & my favorite colors and then made the most beautiful, yummy, delicious and moist cake !!!  (she also added my name to the cake- lol !!)

We spent some time visiting and laughing. We had some precious laughs with Lily bug & then after awhile they had to go.....little one needed to get to bed. My parents soon followed.....but Alex & Toni got Robert involved in using the wii to look at disney pics.......on this part of the visit- I will just say that is truly wonderful to laugh !!!  To laugh is healing.......to see our girls laugh=priceless.....to be teased and tortured by Robert.....almost as much fun as Carmen doing it (same twisted humor).

So now......this week......as usual....will be a busy week with the girls, we will celebrate my mother's 69th birthday (doesn't she look great- certainly doesn't look her age) we will acknowledge my birthday but at the same time.........we will arrive at the 6 month mark of losing my dear man. It's hard to fathom that: 1/2 year or 26 weeks- 184 days and countless sleepless & painful hours and minutes is coming to pass.

I often wonder.....how is it that time passes so quickly yet seem like it has stood still ?? I think.....ok....we've gotten thru two of the most painful holidays yet still have a lifetime to do this without Carmen. I was in the store and I see Valentine's day stuff already......my first thought......what am I going to get Carm ?? Then it was like running into the brick wall......my lover & my best friend is gone.  That makes me think of all the other holidays to come......it didn't matter how small the holiday was......we would celebrate them......we'd laugh about that too & he would tease.  Oh how I miss his laugh......along with so many other things.

At this point I am thankful that the Lord has made my brain to keep me in the present.......when I try to think to far ahead it shuts down......I have the hardest time thinking.

Anyway.....back to the present and a happier note- this week we are waiting to see some happy pictures from Debbie.......her son is back in the States.....no more war zone for him !!  Brian, Tim, and now Keith all home= another good heart moment !!  =)

As I have said before .....but would like to repeat........to all of you who take the time to love and care for the girls and I.......Thank you......I really couldn't do this without you.