3/5/14 approaching Carmen's 54th birthday

In a general reply to the couple of lovely & thoughtful messages of love &  encouragement- yes I did change my cover pictures in honor of my beloved Carmen- his birthday is this Sunday. There isn't a day that goes by that my mind does not think of him and wonder.....or that my heart doesn't miss him. I miss his strength, his tenderness, his love, guidance and input. I hate having to make medical decisions for the girls without talking it over with him. I miss his wit & humor and the mischievous way he would tease me and push my buttons. And……I miss our arguments- yes…..we were human and we would fight over something and we both were pig headed and wanted the last word. Carmen and I fought and loved passionately and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Most days the girls and I are doing ok; because I am an “only” parent- I do what I have to so that my children have some sense of normalcy. I have begun to  have “good stretches” where for a few days I’ve smiled and enjoyed activities again. The hard part is when we go home.....Carmen is not there for me to tell him all about our day, adventure or activity. We are facing a busy few months- his birthday, another Easter, and then the big one.....our eldest will graduate high school.

I've had to learn so many new things these past 2 years 7 months & 22 days. Things that I never thought I (or most wives) would think that you have to learn. And I can tell you- most of them suck !! God gave me a wonderful husband that truly took care of his wife and children, who cared deeply for others and was always willing to help and I miss him more than these words can convey.

I know people mean well & that they just want to make this pain go away- but I'm sorry it is not possible. So please be patient with me as I attempt to once again get thru another special day & events without my beloved.....my heart is broken, I'm moody and frankly there are days when I just don't give a poo.

It is times like these when what I need is your unconditional love & support, your patience knowing that I will come out of my mood (in my own time), and if you know me well enough to invade my comfort zone.....a hug. And yes-keep inviting us over to hang out with you & your family- one of these days I will accept.

2/26/14 My thoughts on grief (part 2)

What do you see when looking at this picture? The easy answers would be snow, a person, lights & a fence. But I’d like you to change your perception for a moment and see it thru the eyes of grief. For a grieving person…this is how we often feel. Are you wondering what I mean by this statement? Allow me to explain.

Like everything in our lives there is a season, grief is a season; a period of time where those who are grieving feel like it is winter. A dark, cold time; where we feel as if we are alone on our travels.

But if you look closely at the picture you will see some other things that may have been overlooked. Yes it is dark and cold but you see there are other footprints, fencing and lights. All those things remind us that others have travelled this path before us. The footprints remind us that although we may feel as though we are the only ones who have experienced this pain- if we look around we will see that there are others who have walked it before us. Like little beacons, the lights only illuminate a small spot and encourage us to move forward towards the next one. There will be areas that are dim- but that is ok- these are the areas where one light is ending and another is beginning. The fence was put there to guide and protect us along the path and our travels. The last thing one may notice is how bundled up the person is against the cold. I would like to think that this is very much like God’s love; it does not immediately take away the winter but it does provide warmth, protection and act as a buffer against the harsh reality that is ours to experience.

You many have also noticed that this path is not perfectly straight but rather it twists and winds along. As I continue to travel along this path, if I could I would add some things. Perhaps I would add a bench to rest upon when we become weary, or a gate where someone could enter and walk alongside us. There are times when I look forward to the time when Spring will arrive and I can see our lives starting to show life again.

2/26/14- my thoughts on grief (part 1)

It has been so very long I know......and I'm sorry. I've been posting on FB mostly- but a few things have been going on and of course that makes me ponder and think about all kinds of things.


It is almost daily that we add women to our widow group, and to the other website that I help to administer and it makes you think about how many other people are on this journey we call grief. There are all kinds of journeys and each are unique yet on the other hand once we start upon the journey we have a whole new perspective on others pain. But we can still be caught off guard and not know what to say or do for others.


This past week I was told that Carmen's (biological) father died. It was quite odd to hear- I wasn't sure what to say- other than I'm sorry- when my sister in law told me. Reason being I had never met him & I had only heard that he was not a nice man. But I did think how very sad that he chose a path that he thought would make him happy and he lost everything and died alone. From the day I started dating Carmen- the man that I call my father in law- accepted me & is a kind man and sometimes I would wonder- does their father ever think about his 6 kids & their families-does he regret his choices. But no matter if he did or not- I can say with love- they are a crazy bunch but I wouldn't change the times we've had together.


Family was very important to Carmen and still is to me- so as we continue on without him- I try to remind and teach the girls......"Live, Love and Laugh" !!  Live life to the fullest and always do your best, Love with all your heart and soul and don't let others ever change you- rather you be the change and Laugh- life is short and we aren't guaranteed tomorrow- so laugh and enjoy life with those you love !!

5/9/13 Our 26th anniversary.......

Today is almost over......if I can just stay awake another hour I will be able to say that I got thru the day. It's odd- Toni has been home sick this past week with pneumonia and so although I think I would have preferred to be alone today.....she was good company. And taking care of her makes this mommy's heart feel better.

Last night I posted on FB some pictures of Carmen and it was good to know that my heart still skips a beat when I see his pictures. But oh how I miss that man !!!  Did you see his smile ? I smile when I remember his laugh.....it was not often or around everyone.....he was a private man....but when you heard his laugh....it was unmistakable....you knew it was him !!

When people ask me how I'm doing.....it's a hard question- I'm still not sure. It is days like this that make my brain go in so many different directions and my heart feel so many things that I am scatterbrained.....I can't stay focused or get motivated to do anything that I wanted to get done. On other days I look at all that needs to get done and I think to myself there is just no way that I will be able to finish everything. It's hard to explain to those who've not gone thru this that my heart is indeed missing a huge part and that hole can not be filled until I see my dear man again.

I am thankful for my family and friends......you keep me grounded and mostly sane. This year was a bit harder for the girls- because there were people who initially made the effort to be involved in our lives and then as time passes....have fallen by the wayside. I guess that some people don't understand how painful it is to see your children count on someone who gives their promise to do something and then not follow thru. But on the flip side- we really have been blessed with other friends who have completely given of themselves no matter how big or small the need.

It has been said, "death can not stop true love.....it can only delay it".....well my beloved- my heart continues to miss every aspect of who you were- my best friend, my lover, my soulmate, the father of our beautiful girls, my strength, my balance, you made me feel safe & secure just by your presence. Not having you here by my side just makes me every so aware of how harsh life can be......being the "only" parent now is hard.....there is no one to bounce thoughts over with, not making you be the bad guy so that the girls understand that something is really really important !!

My brain knows you are not coming home again, it also knows that there are no more hugs, or loving kisses....no more watching both your & the girls faces and shrieks of joy when you would arrive home.......but unfortunately my heart has not caught up with that knowledge. It still wants to hope that all of this has been a huge nightmare and that you will actually come walking thru that door and make our world complete again !!

Happy Anniversary Carmen.....I love you !!

2/14/13 Valentines Day.....

Where do I start ?? I will start by saying that yesterday was my Valentine's day. My dear man loved me enough to set me apart from all others and celebrate our love before everyone else. I can tell you that I always felt special when we were together- Carmen had a way of making me feel like the most special woman on earth.....as if I was the only one he saw in the room.

I lost someone that I can’t live without, and my heart has been badly broken, and the bad news is that I will never get over the loss of my beloved Carmen- but the good news- is that he will live forever in my broken heart- since it won't ever seal back up.

I can't say that I "lost someone" because he was taken from me- stolen- ripped from my life- but I think to myself- "oh how I wish for one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when I thought that Carmen would be here forever, or at least until we could grow old together ! No matter how long I live- no matter how many experiences I have- I will collect and savor many more memories but none of them will outweigh the one I wish I could have back.

I saw a quote about losing someone- "When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, & their scent fades from the pillows & from their clothes. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that they are gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” 

So I have come to realize that each & every day is bittersweet. Each time I wake up I am thankful for another day with my children, but each day I wake up also means that I am not with my beloved. Every day I kiss my children goodbye as they head out the door I wonder will they return to me or be taken from me, Every day I get to greet them at the end of their day I am grateful that God has seen fit to give me more time with them, and each night as they lay their heads down I pray that God protects them and gives them rest.

As each birthday, holiday or special event comes my way- I pray for the strength and grace to deal with it in a way that would make Carmen proud of me. The day he was taken from me was a life changing day.....I will never be the same.....I can never go back......I do my best to move forward but on the days when I feel that is just not possible.....I simply hope that I stay put...that I don't move backwards. I've been told that I am so strong.....I'm not sure how others are seeing this in me since I don't ever "feel" strong. What I can tell you is that I write from my heart.....it comes from deep within my hurting heart and soul......a place that will never heal....a place that can only hold so much in before it spills out.....sometimes it is tears, other times it is what I write, other times it is an action- where the girls and I do something loving or kind for someone when they need it and least expect it.

So my dear man......my beloved Carmen- there is a place in my heart where your hands still rest- your kiss still linger and your voice whispers and echos in my soul. It is a safe place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.....a place where we are together and a place that no one can ever take you from me.

All my love always..........

2/5/13- tomorrow is a milestone- Gianna's 18th

Today I am in the middle of baking cupcakes for Gianna's swim team (for the team dinner tomorrow) and since it is her birthday....they can help her celebrate again. I say again....because Saturday we had her birthday party. Her 18th birthday party !!

As I sit here baking cupcakes, getting the secret decorations ready (it was a tradition of Carmen & I- to decorate for the girls after they went to bed- this way- they wake up on birthday morning to the festivities) I had to buy her a special card.....so many that had from "both of us" or to "our daughter" and it was so hard. I managed to find what I thought would be good. But as always now- I second guess myself.

We are all aware that this big milestone- her 18th birthday- this should be a special day. But this past week we've all had more meltdowns than I care to count. I've had mine in private when they aren't here- because it seems that if I cry when they have a meltdown it's ok....but if they see me crying first then their heartache is compounded. I miss Carmen so much- the companionship, the conversations, sharing in the joy of good report cards and accomplishments. I miss him telling me about his day and my heart aches for the time that the girls don't get to share with him all the things they want to- to see the pride on his face as they share something with him and the grin as he pulled them close to seal it with a hug.

There is nothing that can heal our broken hearts right now. (and before anyone gets all pious on me- yes we know God is here) but we want Carmen here and we feel cheated !! There is so much more we needed and wanted with Carmen. I feel incomplete and have to figure out who I am now and who I want to be for the rest of my days here. I am no longer considered "Carmen's wife" and although I will always be "Gianna & Toni's mother" the big part of that job will be coming to a close. Who is Crystal ?? I don't know......all I do know is that right now.....she is looking at her eldest daughter who is about to turn 18.....and wonders where the time went, what have Carmen and I done right- and I wonder what I have done wrong since he was taken. There hasn't been his strength, guidance, wisdom and love......what is the impact ?

Well.....back to my work and preparation for tomorrow....as I get ready to wish my sweet "baby" girl Gianna a very happy 18th birthday.

1/22/13....Life is a journey ??....

In many different places I've heard that "Life is a journey"- well I've been thinking about that and want to share my thoughts.

My life has indeed been a journey- I started out in my parents home, much like a calm winding country road. There were twists & turns small pot holes but enjoyable. I then traveled a bigger & busier road that lead me to the top of the mountain- when I married Carmen. "My" journey became "Our" journey. We traveled many different roads together. Some were smooth & fast paced like a highway, some had some speed bumps that slowed us down and twice we were bossed to travel to the top of the mountain together as we welcomed our most precious gifts- our daughters- Gianna & Toni. After those two special trips- we traveled all over - there were more country roads filled with joy & happiness, there were highways that lead to the airport- yep you guessed it- where time just flew by. But all of them filled my heart with moments & memories that thankfully will last a lifetime. We continued on & faced some desert roads- where relationships dried up and our hearts were parched & thirsty and sadly that road lead us into the dark valley. Carmen lost his mother. We were navigating this new road called "Grief". It was a horrible road but we saw the sunshine returning. Some of the pot holes were repaired & the road was being repaved. I would say that we were happy- our travels were on track, we had things all mapped out. Then all of a sudden.....there was confusion- someone had screwed up- there was red lights, stop signs & a huge no outlet sign in "my" road. I looked around but Carmen was gone- no where to be found. Not only was he gone but he took the map !! Now what ?!? He knows I have no sense of direction, that I need him to take turns driving- I get tired when I have to drive for more than an hour or two.  It was at this time that the divine dispatcher had to send out emergency personnel- family & friends". Who came to offer me assistance- everyone meant well & many of them helped out the best they could- but for some reason- they only had one tool each- no one had everything I needed or what I wanted, and no could find my map. I was lost & panicking until it was explained to me that my travel plans had been changed. Well this just ticked me off !!! I wanted to know why the heck I couldn't find Carmen, where was my map and for crying out loud why the heck do I need to take this detour !!

Yes....a detour...so you see right now I am traveling along a road called grief. It is a long winding, desolate road- filled with all types of hazards, dangerous cliffs & hairpin turns and frankly it is dark & dreary & it totally sucks !!!  I know that eventually it will put me back on the well lit road called "life" again, I'm just not sure when.  As I travel down this road I will look for those special stops where I can take a brief break- I hope to find them staffed by the people I call family & friends.

So now each new day has both the girls & I traveling and looking toward the horizon- where one day we will see the rainbow and the signs that will direct our journey back to where our hearts want to be...... until then my beloved.....you remain in my heart.