9/23/12 missing my beloved.....

My heart never knew loneliness until Carmen was taken from us…..miss him so much !!  The song  “I have loved you for a thousand years” always reminds me of us. A few of our friends would tease that we must have been together in past lives since we were so in tune with each other……now I personally don’t believe in that……but I do believe that we were & always will be soul mates. I think of him & remember him in a thousand ways every day…….in the morning when we could have coffee together on the porch, or if he had already gone to work- I would call him as soon as the kids were off to school.  My joy & passion was to cook whatever he wanted……so that was the daily question…..to this day I struggle to be in the kitchen without getting a pain in pit of my stomach or a lump in my throat. Then my day moves to the afternoon & I long for his phone call to check in…..to ask about my day & to let me know when he would be home, he would then ask about each of the girls & if everything was ok with their day. Early evening finds me looking at the clock…..wondering when he going to walk in the door…..and as I lay my head down at night……to never hear him say “love you & complain when I put my cold feet on him”…….I so often look into the sky & watch the clouds or the stars & think of him- “way” up there. All the special dates, songs, the smells, tastes & treats of each season, all the activities that would be happening- (today it was all the hunting gear out in stores- other times the fishing stuff). Or how he missed so many things the girls have done…..  And I really miss his sense of honesty, loyalty, family, & no nonsense manner. I miss the moments I would get to say…..”you are the head of the house- you take care of this- go fix this”- or the feeling I would have when he would say- “You are better at words than me Crys…..you talk to them & I will be your backup”…….I mean really…..who in their right mind would mess with me when he was standing there….arms folded……looking at them with those dark piercing eyes !!  Missing you Carm…….and knowing that this hole in my heart will not be gone until we meet again !!  Love always & forever !!