Ok.....Christmas is just over a week away- as expected the
girls & I are still not entirely feeling like we want to do much for
Christmas. We know that Carmen would want us to live & celebrate Christmas-
and we want to "do Christmas" but it will never be the same. These
past 17 months have been the longest, hardest most painful of my entire life.
To see the pain in my daughters eyes, to hear their voices crack as they ask me
why & tell me this isn't fair and to see their big generous hearts broken
because the "love of our lives" is gone, has brought me to my knees.
We have had some good days and times also.....and I love to
see their smiles, but then later in the evening....they go right back to a
quiet state- some nights they cuddle up in the chair with me & say....today
was good- but it would be better if Daddy was here.
As we approached Thanksgiving & Christmas I sat them
down and asked them what how they wanted to celebrate the holidays. I could not believe the conversation we had-
my broken heart was filled with overwhelming pride !! The girls were thinking of Carmen & all
the times that because of his job he couldn’t be home with us. They came up
with a plan that included making up dinners and small gift bags. They said the
gift bags had to have- homemade cookies, and other things that they used to put
in Carmen’s overnight bag for him to discover while away. I asked them….and just who are we giving
these things to ? They looked at me like
I had two heads- and said “truck drivers- who can’t get home”.
My eyes filled with tears and they thought they had said
something wrong……I quickly assured them that they didn’t and I was crying
because I was so proud that they were thinking of their daddy and how to honor
his memory by helping someone else.
Just last week I thought how difficult this coming week was
going to be for us- until last Friday. I was once again reminded: that life is
fragile, fleeting and unpredictable. We never know when we go our separate ways
during the day if it will be the last time we see or speak to them. When Carmen left for work on that Monday morning-
none of us knew that he wouldn’t return. Last friday when those parents sent
their sweet babies off to school, they also never thought that they wouldn’t
ever talk to or hug them again.
I will tell you that I struggle with how some people in our
lives behave. I will never claim to be perfect and nor do I expect that they
will be. However I would hope that they would be mature enough to sit down and
talk things over, clear the air and then let the past be in the past, to move
forward. Families are so often shattered over the stupidest of things.
This coming Christmas and new year- I promised the girls
that we would do our best to honor Carmen’s memory by being the best we can be
no matter what other people think of us or what they say. And I
challenge each of you to do the same.
If you are reading this post- then you are one of the ones I
want to thank for being a part of our lives, for being our support, our
encouragement and strength. Your love
and prayers have gotten us thru so far. We hope to continue to strengthen our
bonds and have you in our lives for a long time to come.
Love~ Crystal (girls too)
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