5/9/13 Our 26th anniversary.......

Today is almost over......if I can just stay awake another hour I will be able to say that I got thru the day. It's odd- Toni has been home sick this past week with pneumonia and so although I think I would have preferred to be alone today.....she was good company. And taking care of her makes this mommy's heart feel better.

Last night I posted on FB some pictures of Carmen and it was good to know that my heart still skips a beat when I see his pictures. But oh how I miss that man !!!  Did you see his smile ? I smile when I remember his laugh.....it was not often or around everyone.....he was a private man....but when you heard his laugh....it was unmistakable....you knew it was him !!

When people ask me how I'm doing.....it's a hard question- I'm still not sure. It is days like this that make my brain go in so many different directions and my heart feel so many things that I am scatterbrained.....I can't stay focused or get motivated to do anything that I wanted to get done. On other days I look at all that needs to get done and I think to myself there is just no way that I will be able to finish everything. It's hard to explain to those who've not gone thru this that my heart is indeed missing a huge part and that hole can not be filled until I see my dear man again.

I am thankful for my family and friends......you keep me grounded and mostly sane. This year was a bit harder for the girls- because there were people who initially made the effort to be involved in our lives and then as time passes....have fallen by the wayside. I guess that some people don't understand how painful it is to see your children count on someone who gives their promise to do something and then not follow thru. But on the flip side- we really have been blessed with other friends who have completely given of themselves no matter how big or small the need.

It has been said, "death can not stop true love.....it can only delay it".....well my beloved- my heart continues to miss every aspect of who you were- my best friend, my lover, my soulmate, the father of our beautiful girls, my strength, my balance, you made me feel safe & secure just by your presence. Not having you here by my side just makes me every so aware of how harsh life can be......being the "only" parent now is hard.....there is no one to bounce thoughts over with, not making you be the bad guy so that the girls understand that something is really really important !!

My brain knows you are not coming home again, it also knows that there are no more hugs, or loving kisses....no more watching both your & the girls faces and shrieks of joy when you would arrive home.......but unfortunately my heart has not caught up with that knowledge. It still wants to hope that all of this has been a huge nightmare and that you will actually come walking thru that door and make our world complete again !!

Happy Anniversary Carmen.....I love you !!

2/14/13 Valentines Day.....

Where do I start ?? I will start by saying that yesterday was my Valentine's day. My dear man loved me enough to set me apart from all others and celebrate our love before everyone else. I can tell you that I always felt special when we were together- Carmen had a way of making me feel like the most special woman on earth.....as if I was the only one he saw in the room.

I lost someone that I can’t live without, and my heart has been badly broken, and the bad news is that I will never get over the loss of my beloved Carmen- but the good news- is that he will live forever in my broken heart- since it won't ever seal back up.

I can't say that I "lost someone" because he was taken from me- stolen- ripped from my life- but I think to myself- "oh how I wish for one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when I thought that Carmen would be here forever, or at least until we could grow old together ! No matter how long I live- no matter how many experiences I have- I will collect and savor many more memories but none of them will outweigh the one I wish I could have back.

I saw a quote about losing someone- "When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, & their scent fades from the pillows & from their clothes. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that they are gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” 

So I have come to realize that each & every day is bittersweet. Each time I wake up I am thankful for another day with my children, but each day I wake up also means that I am not with my beloved. Every day I kiss my children goodbye as they head out the door I wonder will they return to me or be taken from me, Every day I get to greet them at the end of their day I am grateful that God has seen fit to give me more time with them, and each night as they lay their heads down I pray that God protects them and gives them rest.

As each birthday, holiday or special event comes my way- I pray for the strength and grace to deal with it in a way that would make Carmen proud of me. The day he was taken from me was a life changing day.....I will never be the same.....I can never go back......I do my best to move forward but on the days when I feel that is just not possible.....I simply hope that I stay put...that I don't move backwards. I've been told that I am so strong.....I'm not sure how others are seeing this in me since I don't ever "feel" strong. What I can tell you is that I write from my heart.....it comes from deep within my hurting heart and soul......a place that will never heal....a place that can only hold so much in before it spills out.....sometimes it is tears, other times it is what I write, other times it is an action- where the girls and I do something loving or kind for someone when they need it and least expect it.

So my dear man......my beloved Carmen- there is a place in my heart where your hands still rest- your kiss still linger and your voice whispers and echos in my soul. It is a safe place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.....a place where we are together and a place that no one can ever take you from me.

All my love always..........

2/5/13- tomorrow is a milestone- Gianna's 18th

Today I am in the middle of baking cupcakes for Gianna's swim team (for the team dinner tomorrow) and since it is her birthday....they can help her celebrate again. I say again....because Saturday we had her birthday party. Her 18th birthday party !!

As I sit here baking cupcakes, getting the secret decorations ready (it was a tradition of Carmen & I- to decorate for the girls after they went to bed- this way- they wake up on birthday morning to the festivities) I had to buy her a special card.....so many that had from "both of us" or to "our daughter" and it was so hard. I managed to find what I thought would be good. But as always now- I second guess myself.

We are all aware that this big milestone- her 18th birthday- this should be a special day. But this past week we've all had more meltdowns than I care to count. I've had mine in private when they aren't here- because it seems that if I cry when they have a meltdown it's ok....but if they see me crying first then their heartache is compounded. I miss Carmen so much- the companionship, the conversations, sharing in the joy of good report cards and accomplishments. I miss him telling me about his day and my heart aches for the time that the girls don't get to share with him all the things they want to- to see the pride on his face as they share something with him and the grin as he pulled them close to seal it with a hug.

There is nothing that can heal our broken hearts right now. (and before anyone gets all pious on me- yes we know God is here) but we want Carmen here and we feel cheated !! There is so much more we needed and wanted with Carmen. I feel incomplete and have to figure out who I am now and who I want to be for the rest of my days here. I am no longer considered "Carmen's wife" and although I will always be "Gianna & Toni's mother" the big part of that job will be coming to a close. Who is Crystal ?? I don't know......all I do know is that right now.....she is looking at her eldest daughter who is about to turn 18.....and wonders where the time went, what have Carmen and I done right- and I wonder what I have done wrong since he was taken. There hasn't been his strength, guidance, wisdom and love......what is the impact ?

Well.....back to my work and preparation for tomorrow....as I get ready to wish my sweet "baby" girl Gianna a very happy 18th birthday.

1/22/13....Life is a journey ??....

In many different places I've heard that "Life is a journey"- well I've been thinking about that and want to share my thoughts.

My life has indeed been a journey- I started out in my parents home, much like a calm winding country road. There were twists & turns small pot holes but enjoyable. I then traveled a bigger & busier road that lead me to the top of the mountain- when I married Carmen. "My" journey became "Our" journey. We traveled many different roads together. Some were smooth & fast paced like a highway, some had some speed bumps that slowed us down and twice we were bossed to travel to the top of the mountain together as we welcomed our most precious gifts- our daughters- Gianna & Toni. After those two special trips- we traveled all over - there were more country roads filled with joy & happiness, there were highways that lead to the airport- yep you guessed it- where time just flew by. But all of them filled my heart with moments & memories that thankfully will last a lifetime. We continued on & faced some desert roads- where relationships dried up and our hearts were parched & thirsty and sadly that road lead us into the dark valley. Carmen lost his mother. We were navigating this new road called "Grief". It was a horrible road but we saw the sunshine returning. Some of the pot holes were repaired & the road was being repaved. I would say that we were happy- our travels were on track, we had things all mapped out. Then all of a sudden.....there was confusion- someone had screwed up- there was red lights, stop signs & a huge no outlet sign in "my" road. I looked around but Carmen was gone- no where to be found. Not only was he gone but he took the map !! Now what ?!? He knows I have no sense of direction, that I need him to take turns driving- I get tired when I have to drive for more than an hour or two.  It was at this time that the divine dispatcher had to send out emergency personnel- family & friends". Who came to offer me assistance- everyone meant well & many of them helped out the best they could- but for some reason- they only had one tool each- no one had everything I needed or what I wanted, and no could find my map. I was lost & panicking until it was explained to me that my travel plans had been changed. Well this just ticked me off !!! I wanted to know why the heck I couldn't find Carmen, where was my map and for crying out loud why the heck do I need to take this detour !!

Yes....a detour...so you see right now I am traveling along a road called grief. It is a long winding, desolate road- filled with all types of hazards, dangerous cliffs & hairpin turns and frankly it is dark & dreary & it totally sucks !!!  I know that eventually it will put me back on the well lit road called "life" again, I'm just not sure when.  As I travel down this road I will look for those special stops where I can take a brief break- I hope to find them staffed by the people I call family & friends.

So now each new day has both the girls & I traveling and looking toward the horizon- where one day we will see the rainbow and the signs that will direct our journey back to where our hearts want to be...... until then my beloved.....you remain in my heart.

1/8/13 They say there is a reason.....

“They say there is a reason……and that time will heal. But neither time or the reason will ever change the way I feel. No one can truly know my heartache (yes many can sympathize) but you can’t know MY pain since it is MY pain. You did not have the same relationship with my husband……you had your own relationship with him and you have your own pain- that I cannot understand.  You see me as strong- that is because it is what I portray. No one knows how many times I have broken down and cried, no one knows how many times I have had to cradle our daughters as they have completely and utterly cried until there were no more tears to come or until I as their mother could not take their pain any longer and did something or said something so stupid that it shocked them or made them smile with bewilderment.

Never doubt that I will forever love my beloved Carmen or that I don’t think of him with almost every task or activity that we do. On the horrible day in July 2011- my life changed forever and never will it be the same….never will I be the same….don’t expect me to be the same. They say that change is good and that we can all learn something. I have learned many things- sometime I share those thoughts with you and other times they are kept in my heart for myself.

One thing that pops into my head often as the girls and I travel this journey- there are a lot of people who “think” that they know what is best, what we should be doing, what we should be feeling,  etc etc.  One of the changes I have decided to share is that I am going to be more honest with how I as the wife & mother feel about those who intrude into our inner feelings & journey-  “to those people- perhaps you haven’t realized that you are not God- you don’t know it all- and the last time I checked the only person that I was bound to honor & obey is gone and with God. So please do me the favor of minding your own business- keep your opinions to yourself about how you think we need to be doing things. IF and I say IF I want your opinion I feel confident that I will ask you. “

Wow- that felt good !! And now that I got that out of the way- I can share something else with you all. This past year and half; the girls and I have truly and sincerely realized the value of life, the value of true love- and what it means to love someone without conditions. It may not always be easy- but we do our best. I remind the girls that when we mess up we need to apologize- forgive and then move on- as best we can don’t hold grudges. We’ve learned to give to others of ourselves, our time and when we can our resources. 

Over all these past months I’ve also seen how people change- it amazes me that before Carmen died- I truly never looked at people in the same way I do now. I know that it has always been this way- but I guess now I observe it differently. People change, relationships change- sometimes there is something you can do to help the relationship, other times you realize that you can’t save it or that no matter what you may want-because the other person has changed or moved on- that they don’t feel the same or maybe they have stayed the same but you realize that you have changed and that person doesn’t fill the role you need them to fill anymore.

Some of these changes may be good, others may hurt but as we change and evolve into who we are at that time in our life we realize- that we need to stay true to ourselves and not change to please others !!!  This prompts me to say that in this new year as the girls and I continue down this journey we call grief- we will be making some changes- some good, some maybe not so good, but all with the hope that we honor God first, and then as my heart still strives to do- is honor Carmen.  The girls and I cannot do it alone, we hope that as we travel we will be blessed to have you in our lives- if life does not grant us that wish- then so be it. We will deal with each challenge that comes our way with- as much love, honesty, forgiveness and to the best of our ability self-control (that last one is not a promise- as I am human) as possible.