“They say there is a reason……and that time will heal. But neither
time or the reason will ever change the way I feel. No one can truly know my
heartache (yes many can sympathize) but you can’t know MY pain since it is MY
pain. You did not have the same relationship with my husband……you had your own
relationship with him and you have your own pain- that I cannot
understand. You see me as strong- that
is because it is what I portray. No one knows how many times I have broken down
and cried, no one knows how many times I have had to cradle our daughters as
they have completely and utterly cried until there were no more tears to come
or until I as their mother could not take their pain any longer and did
something or said something so stupid that it shocked them or made them smile
with bewilderment.
Never doubt that I will forever love my beloved Carmen or
that I don’t think of him with almost every task or activity that we do. On the
horrible day in July 2011- my life changed forever and never will it be the
same….never will I be the same….don’t expect me to be the same. They say that
change is good and that we can all learn something. I have learned many things-
sometime I share those thoughts with you and other times they are kept in my
heart for myself.
One thing that pops into my head often as the girls and I
travel this journey- there are a lot of people who “think” that they know what
is best, what we should be doing, what we should be feeling, etc etc.
One of the changes I have decided to share is that I am going to be more
honest with how I as the wife & mother feel about those who intrude into
our inner feelings & journey- “to
those people- perhaps you haven’t realized that you are not God- you don’t know
it all- and the last time I checked the only person that I was bound to honor
& obey is gone and with God. So please do me the favor of minding your own
business- keep your opinions to yourself about how you think we need to be
doing things. IF and I say IF I want your opinion I feel confident that I will
ask you. “
Wow- that felt good !! And now that I got that out of the
way- I can share something else with you all. This past year and half; the
girls and I have truly and sincerely realized the value of life, the value of
true love- and what it means to love someone without conditions. It may not
always be easy- but we do our best. I remind the girls that when we mess up we
need to apologize- forgive and then move on- as best we can don’t hold grudges.
We’ve learned to give to others of ourselves, our time and when we can our
resources.
Over all these past months I’ve also seen how people change-
it amazes me that before Carmen died- I truly never looked at people in the
same way I do now. I know that it has always been this way- but I guess now I
observe it differently. People change, relationships change- sometimes there is
something you can do to help the relationship, other times you realize that you
can’t save it or that no matter what you may want-because the other person has
changed or moved on- that they don’t feel the same or maybe they have stayed
the same but you realize that you have changed and that person doesn’t fill the
role you need them to fill anymore.
Some of these changes may be good, others may hurt but as we
change and evolve into who we are at that time in our life we realize- that we
need to stay true to ourselves and not change to please others !!! This prompts me to say that in this new year
as the girls and I continue down this journey we call grief- we will be making
some changes- some good, some maybe not so good, but all with the hope that we
honor God first, and then as my heart still strives to do- is honor Carmen. The girls and I cannot do it alone, we hope
that as we travel we will be blessed to have you in our lives- if life does not
grant us that wish- then so be it. We will deal with each challenge that comes
our way with- as much love, honesty, forgiveness and to the best of our ability
self-control (that last one is not a promise- as I am human) as possible.
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