11/11/12- 16 months.....thousand years.....

The song....a thousand years.....that is how long I have loved you.....how long it feels like since you were ripped from our lives. Not a day goes by that I don't miss everything about you....your purposeful stride, the look in your eyes when you would reassure me that you would handle something- never a second thought or fear that you wouldn't follow thru. I miss the feel of your hands on my neck as you pull me close & hold me.....your strength would course thru me....my heart would beat ever stronger. The feeling of safety in knowing that you would protect me with all of your being. Words can not possibly describe how my heart feels......the emptiness is a black hole.....that no one can comprehend. Those who knew you....know how fiercely your love, devotion, loyalty & friendship were......you may not have been perfect.....but you were perfect for me !! These past 16 months have indeed been hell on earth.....I despise the torture of not having you with us and I wish with all of my broken heart that you were here.....heaven & eternity are so far away. All I can think is that each step, each moment, each day are just that much closer to being reunited with you !! Carmen my beloved man.....may you always remember that each day I think of you, how you lived and dream of the time when we will be together again.

9/23/12 missing my beloved.....

My heart never knew loneliness until Carmen was taken from us…..miss him so much !!  The song  “I have loved you for a thousand years” always reminds me of us. A few of our friends would tease that we must have been together in past lives since we were so in tune with each other……now I personally don’t believe in that……but I do believe that we were & always will be soul mates. I think of him & remember him in a thousand ways every day…….in the morning when we could have coffee together on the porch, or if he had already gone to work- I would call him as soon as the kids were off to school.  My joy & passion was to cook whatever he wanted……so that was the daily question…..to this day I struggle to be in the kitchen without getting a pain in pit of my stomach or a lump in my throat. Then my day moves to the afternoon & I long for his phone call to check in…..to ask about my day & to let me know when he would be home, he would then ask about each of the girls & if everything was ok with their day. Early evening finds me looking at the clock…..wondering when he going to walk in the door…..and as I lay my head down at night……to never hear him say “love you & complain when I put my cold feet on him”…….I so often look into the sky & watch the clouds or the stars & think of him- “way” up there. All the special dates, songs, the smells, tastes & treats of each season, all the activities that would be happening- (today it was all the hunting gear out in stores- other times the fishing stuff). Or how he missed so many things the girls have done…..  And I really miss his sense of honesty, loyalty, family, & no nonsense manner. I miss the moments I would get to say…..”you are the head of the house- you take care of this- go fix this”- or the feeling I would have when he would say- “You are better at words than me Crys…..you talk to them & I will be your backup”…….I mean really…..who in their right mind would mess with me when he was standing there….arms folded……looking at them with those dark piercing eyes !!  Missing you Carm…….and knowing that this hole in my heart will not be gone until we meet again !!  Love always & forever !!

9/18/12

Not in a good mood......Toni came home with a paper that was for a school function for Dads & kids. Short version.....it didn't go well and now my heart hurts because her heart hurts and I can't fix it.

Also, she had "real- physical" heart problems (like she hasn't had enough other health issues) now she gets to add cardiologist to her medical files !! But after her heart went up to 280 beats per minute for 5 minutes and then reset.....they kept her for a couple of days & the released her with the fun part of wearing a heart event monitor for 30 days !!

My sweet Gi is also having a hard time.....trying to adjust to school with no boyfriend or best girlfriend. Bf has gone off to college & work and her bff seems like has moved on to other people. For Gianna this is hard....she is such a loving and loyal friend that it hurts....again.....one of my babies has a hurting heart and I can't fix it. I just wish that she would find a couple of nice girls to hang out with.

Some days I hate all this crap & just wish I could turn back time. To happier times where my dear man would hug me and tell me....."it's going to be ok.....I promise.....what can go wrong- I'm here" !!

I miss you babe !! And nothing but you can fix this hurt !!

9/2/12- end of summer :(

Here it is the last day of summer (unofficially of course) but still recognized as the last day. It was rainy and gloomy- which suited my mood. I had a headache most of the day & was grateful that the girls don't mind just hanging out & relaxing- watching tv, computer & then just putzing around. But there was no BBQ, no last day at the pool. And now......the dreary days of fall & the cold days winter will be upon us !! :(

Tomorrow- after having the summer off- I go back to work. Not the same place or same job & this one will only be part time for a few weeks. And then I am really trying to trust that the Lord will send me the right job.

I'm tired of this journey, I've lost my soul mate, best friend, lover, protector, father of our girls, my breath, my life and I just want him to come in that door !! It's been 14 months and for some reason I thought I would feel differently- that I would be able to go thru his things- but everytime I go into the attic, the basement, the shed- there is way too much of him for me to deal with- yet there are days I just want it all cleaned up and other days I just can't imagine things being gone.

I am tired of being strong- I am annoyed with the people who said they would be there for us & yet- as expected- they've faded.....how is it that some people just can't pick up the phone or send an email? Don't they realize that if they want to be done with me- that is fine......but don't hurt my girls. It is hard enough to do what I need to do everyday.....but when I see how their heart hurts because they long for relationships that once were & now are slipping away- I want to rip someone a new butt hole. It may not mean much to some.....but a brief little note, text or phone call or piece of mail is a huge deal to the girls.

My head knows Carmen isn't coming home but my heart doesnt' want to accept it- I just really want him to walk back in that door and tell me that this has all been a big nightmare !!

8/13/12

It has been awhile since I wrote anything......not that I didn't have anything to tell you....just things have been so busy. But all in a good way. I know it may seem odd......but I really felt like I needed "to try to make up for how much last summer sucked"!!! My head knows that there is nothing I can ever do to "make up" for last summer.....but my heart says....."come on....the girls were cheated out of so much....and summer is just one of those things....fix it !!"

I have a friend (via a young w group- no I still do not like to use the other word for my situation or status) but anyway......she really needed to vent.....and the website is just that....a safe place where we are all in the same situation. Some for health reasons, others sudden health issues and some like me horrible accidents. But anyway......here is what she had to say the other day (and yes....I asked her permission to share this & she said certainly & with her blessing. So here it is- the part between the ***. If you feel so inclined.....some comments would be nice.

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I am fed up with single motherhood being synonymous with the words “flaky” and “unreliable” and an implied risk for the future development and stability of my children.

To my sisters who are blissfully unconscious to the realities of single motherhood I wish you blessings and celebrations for your good fortune. To my other sisters who are painfully awake to the reality of single motherdom I pray every night for you to find the strength to make it through another day. I pray that you and I will find a mirror of compassion shining on us and supporting us with grace when our lives are deep in chaos.

To my married sisters I ask you, I beg you to stop with the condescension about how hard my life is. You have no freakin idea how hard my life is and in a million years you could never truly imagine it so quit trying to !!!  Don’t think you know what I am going through because three years ago your husband left on a business trip for five days and now you think you know exactly what it is like to be a single mother. Even if you got dinner on the table every night before 8:30 and mowed the lawn (once) and grocery shopped and got the oil changed it does not mean that after those five days you can know what single motherhood really is.

Can I just tell you Sister, with loving kindness, you don’t know shit if you think five days alone is the equivalent of single motherhood. You are fortunate to be in a bubble of protection that separates your reality from mine. I have no idea how hard your life is. I am not able to know the intimacies of your struggles or the painful aspects of your existence but I do know that I refuse to judge you based on my life and my conscious experience. I hold you with respect and trust that you are doing your best to raise your children with love and compassion; that you are contributing to the world with positive gestures of kindness and patience; I trust that you walk softly with your words about the triumphs and tribulations of those around you; and for all of this dear Sister, I return this love and compassion a million times over.

Your judgement of me and my dusty shelves or my unreliable nature do not serve either of us except to spin more sorrow into the web of this world. Please stop hurting me with your cold eyes when I show up late and forgot to bring the salad or the clean uniform for soccer or the $20 donation. I do not forget these things because I am flaky or unreliable, I forget them because they are the things of total inconsequence to the greater world order - the order that I live in. In my world if you showed up at all I am happy to see you, if you forgot the salad I will feed you from my bowl, if you forgot the money I will give you mine and for God’s sakes if you forgot the uniform I will applaud you for paying attention to what matters in your life like nurturing your spirit and listening carefully to your children when they speak to you.

Thank you Sisters for hearing me and for remembering that none of us can truly know the nature of another’s life - the best we can do is shower each other in compassion and celebrate the miracle of the sun together.
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So there it was........so I thought I would share it with whomever reads my blog so that they can see how other women are thinking and what they are feeling. For me.....it is a small blessing to connect with women who get me.

Please do not think that for a moment that I do not appreciate each and everyone of you in our lives. For without you I would not have made it thru this past year, and the girls wouldn't have survived it and continue on unless they received the love & support that we have- just know that there are in indeed many hurting, single mother's out there.....and a good chunck of us.....never asked for any of this !!

Well that is all for tonight.....like I said.....I just wanted to share her thoughts !!

7-31-12 thoughts.......

This post was from a new friend’s page: but it very true & not just for the loss of a husband.....but the loss of any of our loved ones. So here it is...... abbreviated & then my thoughts added.

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A counselor made this comment that helped with this whole grieving process. They were talking about outsiders, society, & people who don't "get" this but still give their judgmental opinions about how I need to "move on" or "let go". She was told simply: "You do not have to let go of your husband. Not ever ! That is not the goal- the goal is for you to be able to live a life, and in that life, your husband will always be a part of it. He is a part of you- it would be impossible to let him go.

The idea is not to let him go- but rather to gradually change your relationship with him. It's a shift- even though he isn't here, you still have a relationship & You always will ! That doesn’t die. We need to figure out what that relationship IS now, how it works, and where to place him in your new life."

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So from the moment I was told that Carmen was killed....I had to shift.....first I shifted into shock, but then I shifted into Mommy mode.....how do I protect my babies....how do I help them with this most unbearable pain ?? Then I shifted into just existing.....figuring out how to go on.....without my beloved Carmen by my side. I quickly realized that I could NOT be both Mommy and Daddy. I sat the girls down and told them…..I’m sorry….I can’t fix this- I can’t make this better, I can’t make this pain go away…..I can only try to be the best mommy that I can be. This is not going to be easy or pleasant…..I don’t know why God has allowed this to happen to us and I can’t say that I am happy with him for it but we need to keep focused on him….knowing that he has our best interest at heart & will bring us thru.

One day we will laugh again…..one day the pain will not be as painful…..it will always be with us but so will Carmen……the love, values and knowledge he gave us will live on in us. He was a strong, a caring and loving man- who is with us forever……we can’t be afraid to grieve or for that matter to go forward with our lives……because we will never let him go……we will just find our new normal & figure out where to go from here.  I LOVE YOU Carm……always have & always will !!  xoxox o

7-9-12 The night before 1 year mark......

I know that tonight will be a long night & that sleep may elude me……in under 7 hours my beloved husband Carmen was killed…..he was ripped from our lives in a horrific manner. In about 11 hours I will have been answering the door to find two NCCo police officers, asking my name & if I was the wife of Carmen T. DiLuzio ?  Immediately….your mind knows what is going to happen….your stomach cramps, your throat closes and your heart beats out of your chest……I hear the words…..your husband Carmen was killed this morning……I fall to the floor, they help me to the sofa…..I tell them they are lying…..they tell me they are sorry and is there anyone they can call ? I remember asking what happened & if they were sure ?? They then ask if I want them to tell the girls……I distinctly remember telling them….no one but me would tell them this horrible news !! They came up from the playroom (I later find out they heard a few words & just wanted to come to me- they didn’t know it was Carmen)……I sat with them on the sofa…..the officers standing by the door……I hugged them close & told them ……I will never forget their screams, their faces, their pain, the unbelief……….I then remember the police asking if they could call someone for us…….I tell them no……I tell them they need to leave. They do not….they gently but firmly tell me that they will not leave us until someone comes. I do not really remember (but I’ve been told that I made a few brief, blunt phone calls & hung up) the police discretely handled the return calls until my family arrived. The following week was a blur….so many people came to us to offer help, love & condolences and support.

The girls and I have faced many challenges this past year…..we have had so many ups & downs but we have had the support of so many of you. The love, encouragement, kind words, hugs, notes, the small surprise gifts at important times to let us know that we continue to be in your thoughts & prayers- this continues to give us strength.

This past year….we have faced some relationship changes- I have to face the reality that I am now a widow (yes…..I can finally say the word- I hate it but I can admit it) the girls and I have realized that we have lost some family & friendships……and that is their loss…….but in that same breath I can say that we have gained, strengthened, and are rebuilding other relationships.

I hope that if you are reading this that you realize how much you mean to us !!  We could not have reached this milestone without the support of our family & friends. BUT……we are not done……this is just a milestone……our journey without Carmen & our journey of grief continues……we will still need you and still value each and every one of you- you each give us something different & unique & we love you for that reason.

My reminder is that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow……so don’t let anything come between you & anyone you love. More importantly than telling someone you love them…..SHOW them.  Communicate & let others have their feelings……if need be…..agree to disagree but don’t leave each other mad.