Hello everyone.......I posted on fb that it was with your prayers, encouragement and support that we made it thru the day yesterday.
I couldn't fall asleep again last night.....my brain continues to try to process that Carmen will not ever walk thru the door again.......my heart wants to believe that he is still just out on the road.....and trying to get done working so he can come home to us.
Today is another day.........and we will just put one foot in front of the other and continue our journey.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
3/8/2012
We are about to face a very important day tomorrow......Carmen's birthday. All week I've been trying to avoid how I am feeling & as you saw the other day.....it was not a good day !! And I don't forsee that tomorrow will be any better.
I am tired & weary & often don't know what to do about things. I miss the balance that he provided, I miss his arms around me, I miss his kisses and I really miss the look on his face when he would arrive home tired & wiped out.....yet......as soon as the girls would hear his car or hear him coming they would run....yes run to him and the look would change......to a big smile, the tired look would instantly vanish & a peaceful look would replace it.....all in a matter of mere seconds.
Then we would all come in the house......girls hanging off of Carmen.....I would be trailing behind left to carry the lunchbox & his stuff.....but watching them was the highlight of the day. Carmen and I would head to the kitchen- he would wash up & I would clean out the lunchbox, the girls would be anxiously awaiting more hugs and fun......but Carmen would always playfully chase them away....telling them....."Mommy first.....she's my number 1", oh the noise that would cause......the mock fights and them trying to squeeze inbetween Carm & me......we'd hug tighter and turn so they would have to squirm & wiggle in.......then he would open his arms so there would be a "family hug". And the one of the girls would holler...."family kiss" we would all make fish lips and smootch together one big kiss !! The laughter that followed can never be explained. It was then that he would chase them away for my time.....they would whine.....and he would say....."it's Mommy's turn" and that would be my most special time of the day.......I got my kiss & hug, he would comment that dinner smelled good & always ask....."when we eatin?" If it was any longer than 5 minutes.....he would be sneaking something as soon as I turned my back !!!
After dinner was the usual family stuff that we all do in the evenings......homework, baths, playing, snacking, goofing off and cuddling........the girls and I would laugh as soon as Carmen would say....I'm going to "stretch out" on the sofa......because that meant....."I'm so tired but I don't want to go up to bed because I love to hear the noise of the family as I fall asleep".......later I would have to wake him just so I could help him to bed......but as I would wake him.....he would say "I'm not asleep- I'm just resting my eyes".........I would say....really ?? Then why were you snoring ? To which I would get an animated response of "are you kidding me....I don't snore" !!!!
So off to bed we'd go......only after we both would personally retuck the girls and kiss them once again before we went to bed. During the night he would always talk and yes....even argue with someone, often snore but best of all........he would roll over and pull me close......snuggling for hours most nights. His jobs often made it so he would have to get up & leave in the wee hours of the morning. Which we both hated......but I loved to see be with him so as he would get up & get ready in the bathroom.....I would quickly sneak downstairs, finish putting his lunch together & start the coffee. If there was time we would have a cup together before he headed out.
He would leave, I would head back to be for a bit more sleep & then get the girls up later. Our day would begin & as soon as I got them off to school it was time for the first of our check ins with each other. In those few hours his day was already hectic.......but he would tell me that when the phone rang...it was the best part of his morning. And I loved to start my day talking to him. The best thing that we ever did was to make sure that we always answered for each other when we called. No matter how busy he was.....he would answer.....sometimes he would ask "is it important? or can I call you right back....and then he would say...."I'll call you back in xxx amount of minutes" and true to his word.....he would call back right on time !!
As our day progressed......we would call each other......for advice, for comfort, for balance & calm, and to just check in.......we had special ring tones for each other.....so that we wouldn't even have to look at the caller id to see who was calling.....and when I heard his ringtone.....my heart would beat a bit faster. Neither of us ever cared who we were with.....if those ringtones rang.....no one else mattered...the phone got answered.
Now- there is no checking in......no quickening of the heart......no shouts of joy that Daddy's home. None of the special moments that made me who I am or made me whole. Now there is just a hole. A gaping wound that no one can heal. The girls will see my pain and try to make me feel better & their love and hugs are priceless......but there in none like my beloved Carmen.
Happy Birthday dear man........I Love You- with all my heart & soul !! As we often said....we are each other's- lover, best friend, soul mate, breath and strength, we are each other's life & everything !!!
I know you have everything you always wanted or need now.....I know that as you celebrate this first birthday in heaven you are with so many people who love you.......but I miss you !!! I love you and I wish that I could have just had more time with you......and to have you here with me to raise our girls. But you taught them well and although they too are having rough days......You would defintely be proud of them......they are strong young ladies and they amaze me with how they have struggled and forged on ! They talk about you all the time and for that I am glad.....they do worry if you are proud of them.....so I remind them how proud you already were of them & that you couldn't ask for better kids. I remind them......"didn't Daddy always tell you and show you how much he loved you?" and that makes them smile and go on. We take it day by day & some are better than others- but they will never be the same.
Again my love.......Happy Birthday......all my love always & forever.......~Me {{hugs}}
I am tired & weary & often don't know what to do about things. I miss the balance that he provided, I miss his arms around me, I miss his kisses and I really miss the look on his face when he would arrive home tired & wiped out.....yet......as soon as the girls would hear his car or hear him coming they would run....yes run to him and the look would change......to a big smile, the tired look would instantly vanish & a peaceful look would replace it.....all in a matter of mere seconds.
Then we would all come in the house......girls hanging off of Carmen.....I would be trailing behind left to carry the lunchbox & his stuff.....but watching them was the highlight of the day. Carmen and I would head to the kitchen- he would wash up & I would clean out the lunchbox, the girls would be anxiously awaiting more hugs and fun......but Carmen would always playfully chase them away....telling them....."Mommy first.....she's my number 1", oh the noise that would cause......the mock fights and them trying to squeeze inbetween Carm & me......we'd hug tighter and turn so they would have to squirm & wiggle in.......then he would open his arms so there would be a "family hug". And the one of the girls would holler...."family kiss" we would all make fish lips and smootch together one big kiss !! The laughter that followed can never be explained. It was then that he would chase them away for my time.....they would whine.....and he would say....."it's Mommy's turn" and that would be my most special time of the day.......I got my kiss & hug, he would comment that dinner smelled good & always ask....."when we eatin?" If it was any longer than 5 minutes.....he would be sneaking something as soon as I turned my back !!!
After dinner was the usual family stuff that we all do in the evenings......homework, baths, playing, snacking, goofing off and cuddling........the girls and I would laugh as soon as Carmen would say....I'm going to "stretch out" on the sofa......because that meant....."I'm so tired but I don't want to go up to bed because I love to hear the noise of the family as I fall asleep".......later I would have to wake him just so I could help him to bed......but as I would wake him.....he would say "I'm not asleep- I'm just resting my eyes".........I would say....really ?? Then why were you snoring ? To which I would get an animated response of "are you kidding me....I don't snore" !!!!
So off to bed we'd go......only after we both would personally retuck the girls and kiss them once again before we went to bed. During the night he would always talk and yes....even argue with someone, often snore but best of all........he would roll over and pull me close......snuggling for hours most nights. His jobs often made it so he would have to get up & leave in the wee hours of the morning. Which we both hated......but I loved to see be with him so as he would get up & get ready in the bathroom.....I would quickly sneak downstairs, finish putting his lunch together & start the coffee. If there was time we would have a cup together before he headed out.
He would leave, I would head back to be for a bit more sleep & then get the girls up later. Our day would begin & as soon as I got them off to school it was time for the first of our check ins with each other. In those few hours his day was already hectic.......but he would tell me that when the phone rang...it was the best part of his morning. And I loved to start my day talking to him. The best thing that we ever did was to make sure that we always answered for each other when we called. No matter how busy he was.....he would answer.....sometimes he would ask "is it important? or can I call you right back....and then he would say...."I'll call you back in xxx amount of minutes" and true to his word.....he would call back right on time !!
As our day progressed......we would call each other......for advice, for comfort, for balance & calm, and to just check in.......we had special ring tones for each other.....so that we wouldn't even have to look at the caller id to see who was calling.....and when I heard his ringtone.....my heart would beat a bit faster. Neither of us ever cared who we were with.....if those ringtones rang.....no one else mattered...the phone got answered.
Now- there is no checking in......no quickening of the heart......no shouts of joy that Daddy's home. None of the special moments that made me who I am or made me whole. Now there is just a hole. A gaping wound that no one can heal. The girls will see my pain and try to make me feel better & their love and hugs are priceless......but there in none like my beloved Carmen.
Happy Birthday dear man........I Love You- with all my heart & soul !! As we often said....we are each other's- lover, best friend, soul mate, breath and strength, we are each other's life & everything !!!
I know you have everything you always wanted or need now.....I know that as you celebrate this first birthday in heaven you are with so many people who love you.......but I miss you !!! I love you and I wish that I could have just had more time with you......and to have you here with me to raise our girls. But you taught them well and although they too are having rough days......You would defintely be proud of them......they are strong young ladies and they amaze me with how they have struggled and forged on ! They talk about you all the time and for that I am glad.....they do worry if you are proud of them.....so I remind them how proud you already were of them & that you couldn't ask for better kids. I remind them......"didn't Daddy always tell you and show you how much he loved you?" and that makes them smile and go on. We take it day by day & some are better than others- but they will never be the same.
Again my love.......Happy Birthday......all my love always & forever.......~Me {{hugs}}
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