12/25/11- Our first Christmas =(

Well- everyone is gone & we got thru Christmas Eve & Christmas day !! Last night we had a brief visit with my SIL Paula and then we headed to Jersey to visit with my brother in law Tommy, our nieces & their families. Lisa, Kim, Nat & Brian prepared the 7 fishes. {they decided to add sushi this year- & they all knew that their Uncle would have seriously given them a hard time about that !!!}

They all did a wonderful job preparing the food & all I had to do was make the bananna cream pies {I believe I was told I couldn't come if I didn't bring them}.

After we got home we took care of some last minute things & then decided since it was after midnight it was technically Christmas morning & so we opened presents. Considering that I was really not prepared to do our usual Christmas morning routine without Carm.....this was a good thing & it allowed us to sleep in a bit.

So this morning I was awakened by my dear KD calling & when she realized she woke us....she hung up on me !! {still love her though} so I got up & called her back ! Later on my brother & his family came down for lunch. {I cheated & bought Wawa hoagies & chips}. We had a very nice visit & some hearty laughs. As they were getting ready to leave my parents arrived.

We were having a lovely visit when my cousin Debbie Magee called & asked if we were going to be home? I told her yes & the surprise was that Kevin Bluzard was going to come suprise the girls with a visit on his Harley. So I left the front door open....so when he arrived they heard the rumble of the bike & ran to the door to see what the noise was- talk about two happy girls !! He brought Melissa with him & so we all had a nice visit.

But to make things even sweeter......he was wearing the special leather riding jacket that belonged to Carmen !!!  My heart melts when I see him in this coat- he wears it well !!!!
He couldn't have known that many years ago- before children- my beloved Carmen took me for a nighttime Christmas ride on his motorcycle- the cold crisp air blowing on our faces......the silence of the night......and the freedom of the open road. As I got on the back of the bike.....the memory was so vivid !! As he took off & the road turns and twisted I felt the leather jacket & saw the flag on the back of the coat & my heart melted remembering that ride so long ago !!!  As he reached an open part of the road he opened it up & I looked over his shoulder to feel that cold air & started crying......as we came back my heart calmed and we arrived home I gave him a hug to thank him for this most precious gift....a wonderful memory !!!

We came in & they said their goodbyes to us and my parents. We managed to sit down and eat dinner {nothing fancy.....alfredo penne & garlic bread} afterwards my mother was treated by the girls to a hand & foot massage. Meanwhile....my father & I worked on the puzzle left by our secret elf. {side note if anyone knows the elf....ask them to check their house......we are def missing a piece to the puzzle- aagghhh !!}

So now the fire is dying down......and the day is done......and we managed to get thru it all. Thank you for your prayers, calls & encouraging notes. Thank you once again to our secret elf.....you made the days approaching Christmas fun & gave us something to look forward to.

Thank you to some other folks who made sure that the girls knew they were being thought of & that others were thinking about Carmen & us today. I am truly blessed to have you in our lives and for this I will forever be grateful and I pray that the Lord blesses each & every one of you more than you can imagine because you have taken the time & energy to come alongside us during our journey without our Beloved Carmen {daddy}.

With a heart that is still sad....but SO full of love for you all......~Crystal <3 <3 <3 <3

12/23/11

Well here it is......almost Christmas and I am fighting with all my might to show the girls that we can get thru this !! I will admit- they've seen me cry a tiny bit & I reassure them this is normal but they've had their moments- Toni has had nightmares and Gianna is barely sleeping. As their mother I wish I could take away their pain & the fact that I can't hurts even more.

They are thinking of Carmen all the time......everytime they do something or if they see something that they would have gotten him for Christmas it is non stop. This is a good thing & a bad thing. I am happy they are able to do this......but sad that I hear & see their pain.

But we've also had our truly blessed times & so many people are making sure that they show us that they care and are here for us. And for this I will always been grateful !!!

This month we kept very busy....Gianna is on the swim team with twice a week meets & practice the other days !! And she also continues to help with her favorite little kindergartners whenever possible. Toni is also busy-she is on the cheerleading squad and just got the role she wanted (Pepper) in the school play Annie jr.

I too am keeping busy being mommy & taxi driver. At work I am fortunate to wear many hats- Family Engagement Liaison, Cafeteria aide and then I fill in wherever I'm needed.

So I am off........I won't be writing again until after Christmas. As you can imagine.....I am doing my best to make things normal for the girls while our hearts are breaking......we are having a hard time trying to do this. Thanksgiving was hard......but this week has been leading up to what feels like an impossible task.

We do wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !!

12/13/11

Let's see what has gone on since I've last written.....after Thanksgiving we went on a "mental health" trip !! I took the girls out of school and we headed down to FL. We went with my cousin Kim, her husband Robert and their son Alex. We also were able to visit and spend time with Ruthanne and Steve. And later in the trip we met up with my Uncle Bob and Aunt Sandy. We wanted to try to get together with my niece Lisa & her family.....but I misdialed her number & left a message for some unsuspecting person......and I was wondering all that time why she didn't return my call !! lol

We were able to go to all the Disney parks and see the sights and ride the rides. The girls had a terrific time.....I mostly did. There were times when I really wished Carmen was there with us and so did the girls but overall.....it was a truly good idea and I loved seeing them so happy.

We went back to work and school. But as Christmas is fast approaching.....I am finding that I truly just wish that these next few weeks were just done already. I am sooooo not in the mood to do any of it. And I just wish that we could take a snooze and when we awaken.....January would be here.

Well......that's all for now....nothing much more to add. I do hope that you all have a good Christmas !