02/23/2012

I guess my original thoughts weren't meant to be shared........I was typing a post and I got interupted and then I mistakenly hit the back button and the whole thing disappeared.

I was saying that there are many a hard days and feelings that I either don't know OR don't want to deal with.....so often I prefer to keep busy. Not so busy that I don't think about things but busy enough that reality still only gets to creep in instead of running me over.

One thing that bugs me is when people havent' seen me a a few weeks and ask me "so how are you doing now?"........I want to reply- "how do you think I am doing? Do you think that a few weeks has made things better? Do you think that the pain of losing my soul mate and all of our hopes, dreams and life together has suddenly gotten better since you last saw me?  Or maybe you thought that dealing with two daughters who adored their daddy and their pain has gone by the wayside?

Many times they will say......I understand what you are feeling. Really ??  I dont' care what you think....but if you haven't lost your beloved spouse in the way that Carmen was taken from us then don't tell us that you understand.  I had a couple of people tell me that since they've lost their husbands that they know what I am going thru.........well I hate to break it to them but ....ummmm no you don't. They were able to finish raising their children together, then enjoy retirement with them, followed by having & enjoy grandchilren together. Then their loved one passed away peacefully in their sleep. (now I know they mean well......but come on !!) 

How on earth do you expect me to think that you comprehend my pain.  Now I also know that there are some people who have lost their spouses in an unexpected death (like a heart attack) and so they are getting closer to understanding, then there are the ones who's loved ones may have died in some horrible like a car accident......they are even closer to comprehending ......but unless it was sudden & frightfully atrocious manner like Carmen then please don't tell me you understand.

Feel free to say that you sympathize, or are empathetic, but don't attempt to compare the two. Do they also have to deal with the almost daily reminders that your children will grow up and each milestone they reach they will say...." I wish Daddy were here- how would be so proud" .......I try to teach them and remind them that their Daddy couldn't be more proud of them.  Or that as they reach each of these milestones........it carries them one step closer to their hopes and dreams !!  Yet......as they reach for these goals......it also means that I am am one step closer to them leaving to embark on their journey. And then once again.......I will get to expererience the emptyness once again.

Now I am not saying that we are the first or only ones who are going thru this.......but I do want them to think before they either say or email us with these types of comments.

So.....on to other things. Please continue to pray for us- there are so many days that are still quite a roller coaster adn I know that your prayers are what is getting us thru.

Thanks for letting me rant !   I hope you all have a good Friday and a relaxing weekend !!

2/12/12

Yesterday was 7 months. Seven months of waiting for Carmen to walk back in the door. Seven months of wondering what really happened to my beloved. Seven months of my heart breaking but also feeling numb. Seven months of trying to help our daughters grieve and to allow them to start to live. To help them feel something other than loss and pain. All the while my heart breaks, a hole that can never be filled.

It is said that grief is a path that is traveled alone. For no one can truly understand the pain you are feeling. Each person has a different perspective and experience. It is so very hard to let others in- to let them really know the pain that I feel. Most people think that I am so strong and that I am doing so well, but in reality- I am tired and in pain. When your heart is breaking it is exhausting. 

I am keeping busy & for now that is what I need. I am also busy planning a "Celebration of life party to honor Carmen.....and also to celebrate what would have been our 25th anniversary. I am blessed in that last May....right after our 24th anniversary.....I found out Carmen was planning to celebrate our 25th in a big way. He had plans to renew our vows and to surprise me with some other fun things.

Well......I am off for now- probably won't post again until after the sting of Valentines day passes. I know I have said this before......but I am thankful for all of my family and friends. I am thankful for your support and love.

2/5/2012

It's been a few weeks since I've last written. Not for a lack of things to write.....but rather lack of time...we've been keeping busy. This weekend we've been celebrating Gianna's birthday. We were fortunate to be able to have two parties. The first one was on friday night. My nieces, spouse Brian and son Nicky, along with brother in law Tommy & Gianna's boyfriend came over. Nat brought Gianna a red velvet cake !! Saturday was our usual morning of cheerleading with our happy cheerleader Toni !!! Then my parents came down for dinner. Mom made baked french toast with extra raisins, walnuts & goo...per the birthday girl's request. We followed that up with Stock's pound cake topped with strawberries & whip cream.....but the party didn't stop there. After dinner we had another crew join us.....Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Sis in Laws, Friends- mine and the girls !!  Another shout out to my friend Chrissie......once again.....another GREAT cake !!! Yummmmm !!!!  Tomorrow the fun continues.......Gianna's actual birthday......and she has a swim meet.......so I am going to "help" the team by bringing the party to them. Gianna & I put together brownies, rice crispy treats, mini donuts and small strudels !! Then we will finish the night with Mother/daughter night at EG's.

I am blessed......the Lord has given me two wonderful daughters !!!!
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On another topic........I post this question .........who came up with the phrase "time heals" ???

This was my fb post earlier.....Some more thoughts on grief- who came up with the phrase ” time heals” ? And what were they referring to ? Certainly can't be grief. Because time doesn't heal- time may lessen the intensity but it certainly doesn't make it go away. It is there forever and always.......this means there is NO time limit on grief.

I am finding....that the hardest parts are not immediate or even at the "big things" instead it is the "small things". You know the times you realize that the shock has worn off, the support of the well meaning is fading and now......it hits......life will never be the same. As the fog lifts and you start to regain your brain......and the everyday tasks are once again endless......you realize that you are going to always have this huge hole in your life, the loss will hit you like a truck when you least expect it.

It will be challenging when people ask "how are you?" or when time passes and they have gone on with their lives.....yet they don't remember that you have lost a huge & major part of yourself. How do you explain so they will understand.....that when the "two became one.....& now that one has been ripped apart with no chance to say goodbye" that the part who has been left behind just doesn't "get over" it.

There is no quick recovery, we will always carry this feeling of pain, hurt and loss- BUT we will also carry the love, memories and feelings forever !!

The girls and I struggle in our own ways......but thru these battles.....we will always carry Carmen with us and we do our best to focus on the love & good memories not the loss.

As you sit and plan for tomorrow....remember that "Time is so short and life is fleeting....you never know what will happen next. So Love those around you as if there is no tomorrow and live your life without any regrets. Time with those you love is precious and priceless. Make the most of it and never let them forget you love them. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥