12/31/12 New Year's Eve thoughts......

The end of one year and the beginning of a new one….do you look back fondly or with regret ? Personally, my view was tainted- with pain, numbness & grief….but as I grieved and mourned the loss of my beloved Carmen- I was also made aware that there were others rejoicing as they got to meet him in heaven.

For 17 months I have tried to imagine that on that fateful day….as the girls and I had our lives changed forever……my beloved Carmen was changed also…..he no longer had to deal with human heartache, he no longer had to deal with aches and pains…..and the moment of death brought instantaneous & everlasting happiness…..I dreamt that he was escorted by the angels to Jesus himself…..who personally greeted him and wrapped him in his arms and said, you may not have had an easy life & you struggled a lot- you didn’t let it stop you & you had a big heart- “well done thou good and faithful servant”.  

When I am lucky enough……I dream of him and of the time that we will be reunited, those dreams show him happy and some show him sitting around a table with the loved ones who also have gone on ahead of us…..they eat all the meals that they loved, have their vino and laugh and talk endlessly of their treasured memories & of us still here. Sometimes I see him walking a path of light towards large lavish gates……where he looks into the distance…..I only ever see clouds- I imagine this is my mind telling me that at the close of each day…..he walks this path and stops by those gates….to await his beloved……to one day- be the first to welcome me back into his arms.

My brain has realized that he will not be coming home; My heart & soul ache because we are soul mates who have been torn apart by space & time yet are still connected.  As this New Year begins- I will pray that the Lord gives us strength & grace to deal with whatever comes. I look forward to what the Lord had planned for our girls & me.  For in our grief, the girls and I cannot see the big picture……we only see a small piece, but he sees everything and has plans that we can only begin to dream.

My wish for all of You who are reading this…….Peace, Strength and a Happier New Year. Take the time to show the people in your lives that you love them, forgive the past & don’t allow the past to ruin the future. Much love~Crystal

Goodbye 2012...hello 2013

12/30/12- we are about to say goodbye to another year 2012......and welcome in the new year 2013 !!

We've had our ups & downs. We've had our sad moments & our sad moments. We are thankful for quite a bit of things & people and of course.....our Lord....who sustains us.

To be honest- I personally am quite often still numb when trying to absorb this whole situation. Most times I still do not like to use the "w" word and struggle with how to describe our current "position" in life. After all it's a bit hard for a stranger to absorb or process my comments when I am in a pissy mood- depending on said mood.....when someone asks me if I am married....there is a variety of answers.....1) my husband died in an industrial accident, 2) my husband was killed in an industrial incident, 3) some jackasses killed my husband by being totally irresponsible people, 4) yes I am still married.....my husband just doesn't happen to live with me at this time. ETC ETC ETC.......

I'm sure that I've not always exemplified what a christian woman should look or act like. But all I can say to that is that I am human but I try and the Lord knows my heart. Thankfully he is big enough and understanding enough to not only handle my issues but to help carry me thru this journey.

This year......I ask of you to continue to support us with your love, prayers and encouragement. We have only just begun this grief journey and we are in no way shape or form "over" our loss. The girls and I will never get over loosing Carmen.....our wounds will close....but they will never completely heal or go back to the way things were before.

PLEASE- feel free to leave comments, email me, facebook me, text me etc......your feedback & conversations mean alot to me.

We are looking forward to a New Year......a year of hope......a year of mending.....a year of love and deeper connections with all of those who are in our lives.

May God bless you & keep you !  With much love.......Crystal

12/17/12 - twas the week before Christmas....

Ok.....Christmas is just over a week away- as expected the girls & I are still not entirely feeling like we want to do much for Christmas. We know that Carmen would want us to live & celebrate Christmas- and we want to "do Christmas" but it will never be the same. These past 17 months have been the longest, hardest most painful of my entire life. To see the pain in my daughters eyes, to hear their voices crack as they ask me why & tell me this isn't fair and to see their big generous hearts broken because the "love of our lives" is gone, has brought me to my knees.

We have had some good days and times also.....and I love to see their smiles, but then later in the evening....they go right back to a quiet state- some nights they cuddle up in the chair with me & say....today was good- but it would be better if Daddy was here.

As we approached Thanksgiving & Christmas I sat them down and asked them what how they wanted to celebrate the holidays.  I could not believe the conversation we had- my broken heart was filled with overwhelming pride !!  The girls were thinking of Carmen & all the times that because of his job he couldn’t be home with us. They came up with a plan that included making up dinners and small gift bags. They said the gift bags had to have- homemade cookies, and other things that they used to put in Carmen’s overnight bag for him to discover while away.  I asked them….and just who are we giving these things to ?  They looked at me like I had two heads- and said “truck drivers- who can’t get home”.

My eyes filled with tears and they thought they had said something wrong……I quickly assured them that they didn’t and I was crying because I was so proud that they were thinking of their daddy and how to honor his memory by helping someone else.

Just last week I thought how difficult this coming week was going to be for us- until last Friday. I was once again reminded: that life is fragile, fleeting and unpredictable. We never know when we go our separate ways during the day if it will be the last time we see or speak to them.  When Carmen left for work on that Monday morning- none of us knew that he wouldn’t return. Last friday when those parents sent their sweet babies off to school, they also never thought that they wouldn’t ever talk to or hug them again.  

I will tell you that I struggle with how some people in our lives behave. I will never claim to be perfect and nor do I expect that they will be. However I would hope that they would be mature enough to sit down and talk things over, clear the air and then let the past be in the past, to move forward. Families are so often shattered over the stupidest of things. 

This coming Christmas and new year- I promised the girls that we would do our best to honor Carmen’s memory by being the best we can be no matter what other people think of us or what they say.  And  I challenge each of you to do the same.  

If you are reading this post- then you are one of the ones I want to thank for being a part of our lives, for being our support, our encouragement and strength.  Your love and prayers have gotten us thru so far. We hope to continue to strengthen our bonds and have you in our lives for a long time to come.

Love~ Crystal (girls too)