12/31/12 New Year's Eve thoughts......

The end of one year and the beginning of a new one….do you look back fondly or with regret ? Personally, my view was tainted- with pain, numbness & grief….but as I grieved and mourned the loss of my beloved Carmen- I was also made aware that there were others rejoicing as they got to meet him in heaven.

For 17 months I have tried to imagine that on that fateful day….as the girls and I had our lives changed forever……my beloved Carmen was changed also…..he no longer had to deal with human heartache, he no longer had to deal with aches and pains…..and the moment of death brought instantaneous & everlasting happiness…..I dreamt that he was escorted by the angels to Jesus himself…..who personally greeted him and wrapped him in his arms and said, you may not have had an easy life & you struggled a lot- you didn’t let it stop you & you had a big heart- “well done thou good and faithful servant”.  

When I am lucky enough……I dream of him and of the time that we will be reunited, those dreams show him happy and some show him sitting around a table with the loved ones who also have gone on ahead of us…..they eat all the meals that they loved, have their vino and laugh and talk endlessly of their treasured memories & of us still here. Sometimes I see him walking a path of light towards large lavish gates……where he looks into the distance…..I only ever see clouds- I imagine this is my mind telling me that at the close of each day…..he walks this path and stops by those gates….to await his beloved……to one day- be the first to welcome me back into his arms.

My brain has realized that he will not be coming home; My heart & soul ache because we are soul mates who have been torn apart by space & time yet are still connected.  As this New Year begins- I will pray that the Lord gives us strength & grace to deal with whatever comes. I look forward to what the Lord had planned for our girls & me.  For in our grief, the girls and I cannot see the big picture……we only see a small piece, but he sees everything and has plans that we can only begin to dream.

My wish for all of You who are reading this…….Peace, Strength and a Happier New Year. Take the time to show the people in your lives that you love them, forgive the past & don’t allow the past to ruin the future. Much love~Crystal

Goodbye 2012...hello 2013

12/30/12- we are about to say goodbye to another year 2012......and welcome in the new year 2013 !!

We've had our ups & downs. We've had our sad moments & our sad moments. We are thankful for quite a bit of things & people and of course.....our Lord....who sustains us.

To be honest- I personally am quite often still numb when trying to absorb this whole situation. Most times I still do not like to use the "w" word and struggle with how to describe our current "position" in life. After all it's a bit hard for a stranger to absorb or process my comments when I am in a pissy mood- depending on said mood.....when someone asks me if I am married....there is a variety of answers.....1) my husband died in an industrial accident, 2) my husband was killed in an industrial incident, 3) some jackasses killed my husband by being totally irresponsible people, 4) yes I am still married.....my husband just doesn't happen to live with me at this time. ETC ETC ETC.......

I'm sure that I've not always exemplified what a christian woman should look or act like. But all I can say to that is that I am human but I try and the Lord knows my heart. Thankfully he is big enough and understanding enough to not only handle my issues but to help carry me thru this journey.

This year......I ask of you to continue to support us with your love, prayers and encouragement. We have only just begun this grief journey and we are in no way shape or form "over" our loss. The girls and I will never get over loosing Carmen.....our wounds will close....but they will never completely heal or go back to the way things were before.

PLEASE- feel free to leave comments, email me, facebook me, text me etc......your feedback & conversations mean alot to me.

We are looking forward to a New Year......a year of hope......a year of mending.....a year of love and deeper connections with all of those who are in our lives.

May God bless you & keep you !  With much love.......Crystal

12/17/12 - twas the week before Christmas....

Ok.....Christmas is just over a week away- as expected the girls & I are still not entirely feeling like we want to do much for Christmas. We know that Carmen would want us to live & celebrate Christmas- and we want to "do Christmas" but it will never be the same. These past 17 months have been the longest, hardest most painful of my entire life. To see the pain in my daughters eyes, to hear their voices crack as they ask me why & tell me this isn't fair and to see their big generous hearts broken because the "love of our lives" is gone, has brought me to my knees.

We have had some good days and times also.....and I love to see their smiles, but then later in the evening....they go right back to a quiet state- some nights they cuddle up in the chair with me & say....today was good- but it would be better if Daddy was here.

As we approached Thanksgiving & Christmas I sat them down and asked them what how they wanted to celebrate the holidays.  I could not believe the conversation we had- my broken heart was filled with overwhelming pride !!  The girls were thinking of Carmen & all the times that because of his job he couldn’t be home with us. They came up with a plan that included making up dinners and small gift bags. They said the gift bags had to have- homemade cookies, and other things that they used to put in Carmen’s overnight bag for him to discover while away.  I asked them….and just who are we giving these things to ?  They looked at me like I had two heads- and said “truck drivers- who can’t get home”.

My eyes filled with tears and they thought they had said something wrong……I quickly assured them that they didn’t and I was crying because I was so proud that they were thinking of their daddy and how to honor his memory by helping someone else.

Just last week I thought how difficult this coming week was going to be for us- until last Friday. I was once again reminded: that life is fragile, fleeting and unpredictable. We never know when we go our separate ways during the day if it will be the last time we see or speak to them.  When Carmen left for work on that Monday morning- none of us knew that he wouldn’t return. Last friday when those parents sent their sweet babies off to school, they also never thought that they wouldn’t ever talk to or hug them again.  

I will tell you that I struggle with how some people in our lives behave. I will never claim to be perfect and nor do I expect that they will be. However I would hope that they would be mature enough to sit down and talk things over, clear the air and then let the past be in the past, to move forward. Families are so often shattered over the stupidest of things. 

This coming Christmas and new year- I promised the girls that we would do our best to honor Carmen’s memory by being the best we can be no matter what other people think of us or what they say.  And  I challenge each of you to do the same.  

If you are reading this post- then you are one of the ones I want to thank for being a part of our lives, for being our support, our encouragement and strength.  Your love and prayers have gotten us thru so far. We hope to continue to strengthen our bonds and have you in our lives for a long time to come.

Love~ Crystal (girls too)

11/11/12- 16 months.....thousand years.....

The song....a thousand years.....that is how long I have loved you.....how long it feels like since you were ripped from our lives. Not a day goes by that I don't miss everything about you....your purposeful stride, the look in your eyes when you would reassure me that you would handle something- never a second thought or fear that you wouldn't follow thru. I miss the feel of your hands on my neck as you pull me close & hold me.....your strength would course thru me....my heart would beat ever stronger. The feeling of safety in knowing that you would protect me with all of your being. Words can not possibly describe how my heart feels......the emptiness is a black hole.....that no one can comprehend. Those who knew you....know how fiercely your love, devotion, loyalty & friendship were......you may not have been perfect.....but you were perfect for me !! These past 16 months have indeed been hell on earth.....I despise the torture of not having you with us and I wish with all of my broken heart that you were here.....heaven & eternity are so far away. All I can think is that each step, each moment, each day are just that much closer to being reunited with you !! Carmen my beloved man.....may you always remember that each day I think of you, how you lived and dream of the time when we will be together again.

9/23/12 missing my beloved.....

My heart never knew loneliness until Carmen was taken from us…..miss him so much !!  The song  “I have loved you for a thousand years” always reminds me of us. A few of our friends would tease that we must have been together in past lives since we were so in tune with each other……now I personally don’t believe in that……but I do believe that we were & always will be soul mates. I think of him & remember him in a thousand ways every day…….in the morning when we could have coffee together on the porch, or if he had already gone to work- I would call him as soon as the kids were off to school.  My joy & passion was to cook whatever he wanted……so that was the daily question…..to this day I struggle to be in the kitchen without getting a pain in pit of my stomach or a lump in my throat. Then my day moves to the afternoon & I long for his phone call to check in…..to ask about my day & to let me know when he would be home, he would then ask about each of the girls & if everything was ok with their day. Early evening finds me looking at the clock…..wondering when he going to walk in the door…..and as I lay my head down at night……to never hear him say “love you & complain when I put my cold feet on him”…….I so often look into the sky & watch the clouds or the stars & think of him- “way” up there. All the special dates, songs, the smells, tastes & treats of each season, all the activities that would be happening- (today it was all the hunting gear out in stores- other times the fishing stuff). Or how he missed so many things the girls have done…..  And I really miss his sense of honesty, loyalty, family, & no nonsense manner. I miss the moments I would get to say…..”you are the head of the house- you take care of this- go fix this”- or the feeling I would have when he would say- “You are better at words than me Crys…..you talk to them & I will be your backup”…….I mean really…..who in their right mind would mess with me when he was standing there….arms folded……looking at them with those dark piercing eyes !!  Missing you Carm…….and knowing that this hole in my heart will not be gone until we meet again !!  Love always & forever !!

9/18/12

Not in a good mood......Toni came home with a paper that was for a school function for Dads & kids. Short version.....it didn't go well and now my heart hurts because her heart hurts and I can't fix it.

Also, she had "real- physical" heart problems (like she hasn't had enough other health issues) now she gets to add cardiologist to her medical files !! But after her heart went up to 280 beats per minute for 5 minutes and then reset.....they kept her for a couple of days & the released her with the fun part of wearing a heart event monitor for 30 days !!

My sweet Gi is also having a hard time.....trying to adjust to school with no boyfriend or best girlfriend. Bf has gone off to college & work and her bff seems like has moved on to other people. For Gianna this is hard....she is such a loving and loyal friend that it hurts....again.....one of my babies has a hurting heart and I can't fix it. I just wish that she would find a couple of nice girls to hang out with.

Some days I hate all this crap & just wish I could turn back time. To happier times where my dear man would hug me and tell me....."it's going to be ok.....I promise.....what can go wrong- I'm here" !!

I miss you babe !! And nothing but you can fix this hurt !!

9/2/12- end of summer :(

Here it is the last day of summer (unofficially of course) but still recognized as the last day. It was rainy and gloomy- which suited my mood. I had a headache most of the day & was grateful that the girls don't mind just hanging out & relaxing- watching tv, computer & then just putzing around. But there was no BBQ, no last day at the pool. And now......the dreary days of fall & the cold days winter will be upon us !! :(

Tomorrow- after having the summer off- I go back to work. Not the same place or same job & this one will only be part time for a few weeks. And then I am really trying to trust that the Lord will send me the right job.

I'm tired of this journey, I've lost my soul mate, best friend, lover, protector, father of our girls, my breath, my life and I just want him to come in that door !! It's been 14 months and for some reason I thought I would feel differently- that I would be able to go thru his things- but everytime I go into the attic, the basement, the shed- there is way too much of him for me to deal with- yet there are days I just want it all cleaned up and other days I just can't imagine things being gone.

I am tired of being strong- I am annoyed with the people who said they would be there for us & yet- as expected- they've faded.....how is it that some people just can't pick up the phone or send an email? Don't they realize that if they want to be done with me- that is fine......but don't hurt my girls. It is hard enough to do what I need to do everyday.....but when I see how their heart hurts because they long for relationships that once were & now are slipping away- I want to rip someone a new butt hole. It may not mean much to some.....but a brief little note, text or phone call or piece of mail is a huge deal to the girls.

My head knows Carmen isn't coming home but my heart doesnt' want to accept it- I just really want him to walk back in that door and tell me that this has all been a big nightmare !!

8/13/12

It has been awhile since I wrote anything......not that I didn't have anything to tell you....just things have been so busy. But all in a good way. I know it may seem odd......but I really felt like I needed "to try to make up for how much last summer sucked"!!! My head knows that there is nothing I can ever do to "make up" for last summer.....but my heart says....."come on....the girls were cheated out of so much....and summer is just one of those things....fix it !!"

I have a friend (via a young w group- no I still do not like to use the other word for my situation or status) but anyway......she really needed to vent.....and the website is just that....a safe place where we are all in the same situation. Some for health reasons, others sudden health issues and some like me horrible accidents. But anyway......here is what she had to say the other day (and yes....I asked her permission to share this & she said certainly & with her blessing. So here it is- the part between the ***. If you feel so inclined.....some comments would be nice.

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I am fed up with single motherhood being synonymous with the words “flaky” and “unreliable” and an implied risk for the future development and stability of my children.

To my sisters who are blissfully unconscious to the realities of single motherhood I wish you blessings and celebrations for your good fortune. To my other sisters who are painfully awake to the reality of single motherdom I pray every night for you to find the strength to make it through another day. I pray that you and I will find a mirror of compassion shining on us and supporting us with grace when our lives are deep in chaos.

To my married sisters I ask you, I beg you to stop with the condescension about how hard my life is. You have no freakin idea how hard my life is and in a million years you could never truly imagine it so quit trying to !!!  Don’t think you know what I am going through because three years ago your husband left on a business trip for five days and now you think you know exactly what it is like to be a single mother. Even if you got dinner on the table every night before 8:30 and mowed the lawn (once) and grocery shopped and got the oil changed it does not mean that after those five days you can know what single motherhood really is.

Can I just tell you Sister, with loving kindness, you don’t know shit if you think five days alone is the equivalent of single motherhood. You are fortunate to be in a bubble of protection that separates your reality from mine. I have no idea how hard your life is. I am not able to know the intimacies of your struggles or the painful aspects of your existence but I do know that I refuse to judge you based on my life and my conscious experience. I hold you with respect and trust that you are doing your best to raise your children with love and compassion; that you are contributing to the world with positive gestures of kindness and patience; I trust that you walk softly with your words about the triumphs and tribulations of those around you; and for all of this dear Sister, I return this love and compassion a million times over.

Your judgement of me and my dusty shelves or my unreliable nature do not serve either of us except to spin more sorrow into the web of this world. Please stop hurting me with your cold eyes when I show up late and forgot to bring the salad or the clean uniform for soccer or the $20 donation. I do not forget these things because I am flaky or unreliable, I forget them because they are the things of total inconsequence to the greater world order - the order that I live in. In my world if you showed up at all I am happy to see you, if you forgot the salad I will feed you from my bowl, if you forgot the money I will give you mine and for God’s sakes if you forgot the uniform I will applaud you for paying attention to what matters in your life like nurturing your spirit and listening carefully to your children when they speak to you.

Thank you Sisters for hearing me and for remembering that none of us can truly know the nature of another’s life - the best we can do is shower each other in compassion and celebrate the miracle of the sun together.
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So there it was........so I thought I would share it with whomever reads my blog so that they can see how other women are thinking and what they are feeling. For me.....it is a small blessing to connect with women who get me.

Please do not think that for a moment that I do not appreciate each and everyone of you in our lives. For without you I would not have made it thru this past year, and the girls wouldn't have survived it and continue on unless they received the love & support that we have- just know that there are in indeed many hurting, single mother's out there.....and a good chunck of us.....never asked for any of this !!

Well that is all for tonight.....like I said.....I just wanted to share her thoughts !!

7-31-12 thoughts.......

This post was from a new friend’s page: but it very true & not just for the loss of a husband.....but the loss of any of our loved ones. So here it is...... abbreviated & then my thoughts added.

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A counselor made this comment that helped with this whole grieving process. They were talking about outsiders, society, & people who don't "get" this but still give their judgmental opinions about how I need to "move on" or "let go". She was told simply: "You do not have to let go of your husband. Not ever ! That is not the goal- the goal is for you to be able to live a life, and in that life, your husband will always be a part of it. He is a part of you- it would be impossible to let him go.

The idea is not to let him go- but rather to gradually change your relationship with him. It's a shift- even though he isn't here, you still have a relationship & You always will ! That doesn’t die. We need to figure out what that relationship IS now, how it works, and where to place him in your new life."

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So from the moment I was told that Carmen was killed....I had to shift.....first I shifted into shock, but then I shifted into Mommy mode.....how do I protect my babies....how do I help them with this most unbearable pain ?? Then I shifted into just existing.....figuring out how to go on.....without my beloved Carmen by my side. I quickly realized that I could NOT be both Mommy and Daddy. I sat the girls down and told them…..I’m sorry….I can’t fix this- I can’t make this better, I can’t make this pain go away…..I can only try to be the best mommy that I can be. This is not going to be easy or pleasant…..I don’t know why God has allowed this to happen to us and I can’t say that I am happy with him for it but we need to keep focused on him….knowing that he has our best interest at heart & will bring us thru.

One day we will laugh again…..one day the pain will not be as painful…..it will always be with us but so will Carmen……the love, values and knowledge he gave us will live on in us. He was a strong, a caring and loving man- who is with us forever……we can’t be afraid to grieve or for that matter to go forward with our lives……because we will never let him go……we will just find our new normal & figure out where to go from here.  I LOVE YOU Carm……always have & always will !!  xoxox o

7-9-12 The night before 1 year mark......

I know that tonight will be a long night & that sleep may elude me……in under 7 hours my beloved husband Carmen was killed…..he was ripped from our lives in a horrific manner. In about 11 hours I will have been answering the door to find two NCCo police officers, asking my name & if I was the wife of Carmen T. DiLuzio ?  Immediately….your mind knows what is going to happen….your stomach cramps, your throat closes and your heart beats out of your chest……I hear the words…..your husband Carmen was killed this morning……I fall to the floor, they help me to the sofa…..I tell them they are lying…..they tell me they are sorry and is there anyone they can call ? I remember asking what happened & if they were sure ?? They then ask if I want them to tell the girls……I distinctly remember telling them….no one but me would tell them this horrible news !! They came up from the playroom (I later find out they heard a few words & just wanted to come to me- they didn’t know it was Carmen)……I sat with them on the sofa…..the officers standing by the door……I hugged them close & told them ……I will never forget their screams, their faces, their pain, the unbelief……….I then remember the police asking if they could call someone for us…….I tell them no……I tell them they need to leave. They do not….they gently but firmly tell me that they will not leave us until someone comes. I do not really remember (but I’ve been told that I made a few brief, blunt phone calls & hung up) the police discretely handled the return calls until my family arrived. The following week was a blur….so many people came to us to offer help, love & condolences and support.

The girls and I have faced many challenges this past year…..we have had so many ups & downs but we have had the support of so many of you. The love, encouragement, kind words, hugs, notes, the small surprise gifts at important times to let us know that we continue to be in your thoughts & prayers- this continues to give us strength.

This past year….we have faced some relationship changes- I have to face the reality that I am now a widow (yes…..I can finally say the word- I hate it but I can admit it) the girls and I have realized that we have lost some family & friendships……and that is their loss…….but in that same breath I can say that we have gained, strengthened, and are rebuilding other relationships.

I hope that if you are reading this that you realize how much you mean to us !!  We could not have reached this milestone without the support of our family & friends. BUT……we are not done……this is just a milestone……our journey without Carmen & our journey of grief continues……we will still need you and still value each and every one of you- you each give us something different & unique & we love you for that reason.

My reminder is that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow……so don’t let anything come between you & anyone you love. More importantly than telling someone you love them…..SHOW them.  Communicate & let others have their feelings……if need be…..agree to disagree but don’t leave each other mad.

7/5/12

We were able to spend a few days in NYC- while there we celebrated Toni's 11th birthday at the Statue of Liberty & Ellis Island. This was another one of those good & bad moment. So much fun yet it was something that Carmen had promised to do with us.

The girls and I took the trip with my parents and our adopted brother from Germany and a good time was enjoyed by all. We also visited ground zero, the cathedral, atrium and other fun spots.

My heart is hurting & often empty & my brain is counting down the days- 6. I know there is nothing magical about that day.....my heart will not all of a sudden be healed, nothing will bring him back and nothing can fill that hole......but I guess my head is hoping for something- something along the lines that I will all of a sudden wake up and that Carmen will be there beside me telling me that this has all been the worst nightmare of my life.

Anyway......literally riding a roller coaster of ups & downs.....sometimes all within a few moments of each other !!!

6/28/12

As you can see from the time.....it is another of my sleepless nights. So much runs thru my head & heart. FIRST- I would like to take a moment to Thank You all for your encouraging words, the love you send & your positive thoughts & prayers !!! I truly, truly appreciate them.

But next I do need to say something- there really isn't anything to be proud of me for- I really am not as strong as you t...hink I am- this past year I have been what I thought was blessedly numb. Yes there were good moments, good times with my dear precious girls, family & friends.....but all the while....there was a mask on- appearances are deceiving- my heart was empty. And now....somehow.....reality is no longer creeping in slowly.......it is a flood !!! And it totally sucks !!!!

This past year I have had to do so much that previously was "Carmen's job"- so much that he handled in 28 years.....he took care of things so that I didn't even have to think about such things. Why is there no manuel for all of this ??? Why hasn't someone written a handbook on what to do & what to look for & to tell us.....here are alot of things that hubbys would do that you now have to do ???

Anywho.....I will end tonight's rambling thoughts with this- I am struggling with a pain that I certainly would have never chosen for me or the girls. And I know that many of you are dealing with Carmen's death & your pain also. I am thankful for EACH and EVERY one of you !!!! For without the love, support and encouragement I would not be where I am right now. Some of you may not really think about how much your words, notes, postcards and small kindness can carry a broken hearted woman thru her next moment, hour, day or week. How you support Gianna & Toni in two ways......1st by supporting their Mama.....& 2nd by loving them !!!

God is good, God is great.....and I thank him for my family & friends. My beloved is with him.....and one day I will join him but until then......I have been given all of you.
With much love.......~Crys

6/26/12

Wow.....it is so quiet here. The girls are with my parents for VBS and even the street is quiet. For so many years I would love when Carmen would take the girls so I could have quiet time to myself, well....I've changed my mind !! I like the noise, I like to have the girls close and I have decided....it is more to my liking to have "quiet time" when they are somewhere close by !!!

Today my friend came over agan & this time the upstairs was cleaned. Whew....what a job..... both physically & emotionally. Now I just need to tackle the dining room table that is loaded & I mean loaded with junk. Papers, books, receipts- you name it- it is probably on there. But then I will be done with a big chunk of things. At some point I will need to tackle the basement, attic & shed. All of those were Carmen's domain. Everytime I look at the stuff it is overwhelming massive. So many things that I want to get rid of because I or the girls will never use it & so that it is done, yet so much of it IS Carmen.

I still feel like he is just out on the road and will arrive home any time now......that if I just wait long enough he will call & apologize for being gone so long.

My heart is hurting right now......so that is all for today.

6/17/12 Our 1st Father's Day

Well.....we made it thru our first father's day without Carmen. Often my heart is still hollow & broken and yet unlike quite a few of my friends I am still blessed to have my dear Pop with us. My girls are fortunate to have their Pop Pop. His calm, loving and gentle spirit are a blessing to all who have the pleasure of knowing him.

Today I did my best to show my dad that not only do we love him but that we think he is special. It was both hard & easy......I'm confused at how it can be that way. Later the girls and I stopped in to see my father in law. Carmen always thought of him as a father and we wanted to still honor that relationship. I hope that both dads had a good day.

Today was also full of lots of thoughts of past Fathers Days......the time Carmen and I would spend together before the girls woke up, the amused look on his face as we presented him with his gifts. The way he would wear, or show joy over whatever they had chosen for him......the expectant & anxious looks the girls would give until he smiled and gave hugs and then the happy & joyful smiles and giggles that would follow would fill my heart with joy & happiness !!

I wish my beloved Carmen a very Happy Father's Day......your sweet girls are doing well. We all miss you and love you more than you can ever know and wish with all of our being that you were still here. I can't take your place....I can only try to keep your memory & values alive and to try to be the best mom that I can be and make you proud.

All my Love Always and Forever.......

6/12/12 the countdown begins......

I didn't think that I would be so preoccupied this month. Yesterday was 11 months since Carmen was killed and my thoughts were everywhere & nowhere. The only way for me to describe it was to say that I felt odd all day.

This next month.....is a countdown.....to the one year mark since Carmen was killed, taken from us so abruptly that our lives completely changed. So many things have changed this past year. I have come to see who truly loves and cares for us.  As many others before us have done....we've had relationships change in ways that confused & hurt us and we've been blessed to have others change in a way that comfort & calm us.

We've had lots of ups and downs, a lot of moments that made us laugh and others that made us cry. We've made it to & thru alot of the "first" milestones and we are approaching the big one. But I've heard that the second year is very difficult also.....because people "expect" us to be "better or over" this huge loss. Well......I hope those around us realize that this hasn't gotten easier, nor have we gotten over Carmen's death.

We have managed to figure out how to go forward with our lives, we are certainly trying to find a new normal and I really try to make sure that the girls have the usual fun things to do to help them heal and to go forward in living and enjoying life. But unless you have actually lost your husband or wife then you can "only imagine" what I am feeling......and to be honest.....can anyone really imagine such a painful, heart ripping pain or the empty lost feeling that I carry ?? 

I don't ask for your sympathy.....just your understanding.....and when you see it....your help. I will admit that I still struggle with the fact that I need help, that everything Carmen used to do- I can not & that there are people willing to be there and to step up and fill that void....but it so so so very hard to accept it. Not sure why.....pride, embarrassment, pain, agitated, flustered ??

My mind keeps going back to the thought that Carmen is out on the road and will come home any moment now......my heart pounds at that anticipatory thought.....my dear man will walk thru that door and aplogize for being so late.....scoop all three of his girls into his arms and squeeze us tight. The laughter fills the room as we are reunited, the joy on his and the girls faces....fills my heart with happiness and a joy that can not be described and there is nothing else here on earth that fills my heart in that way.

I've only had a few stupid comments these past months....so this is more a reminder: please make sure you don't say the following things to me (or anyone who is grieving for that matter)......

1) God has a reason for everything.....{yes I know that but unless you can tell me the reason then don't bother giving my your pious opinion}

2) I know how you feel.....{oh really ?? so you've lost your husband suddenly in a horrible manner? No you don't know how I feel....you can only "try" to imagine}

3) You need to move on - {do I ?? after loving him all my life....I'm supposed to just pick up & move on- I suppose with all your wisdom....you are going to tell me just how to do that}

4) Time heals all wounds- {no it doesn't & it doesn't get easier either....we are just figuring out how to cope & how to live with the wound}

5) My fav.....you will find someone & get married again....don't worry ! {are you freakin kidding me ?  I've lost the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend, my lover and the father of my two sweet daughters......I knew him more than 3/4 of my life and when he died....I was married to him for over 1/2 of my life !!  I'm not in the market for a replacement- he wasn't an appliance.


As you can tell.......someone ticked me off & I am venting- like I said..... my thoughts are wandering.......bear with me.......it will pass !!

6/8/2012

Wow...it has been over a month & I haven't written. We've been busy. Since my last post we had our Celebration of Life party for Carmen and what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. It was a truly amazing party. So many people who love Carmen, me and the girls. I brought our wedding pictures and the posters that we made for his service.

There was a hiccup.....my cousin Brian (thanks to the army) was not able to make it.  =(  but it was ok- we got past that & my friend Odai (DJ megaskills) was terrific !! Another friend Chrissie made a delicious and beautiful cake !!  Then....another friend was our videography & a lovely woman Judith came to take lots of pictures !!

There was alot of dancing, tasty food, alot of shared memories- laughs and tears. Courtesy of my dear Kim & Jen (sw's) there was a bit of shenanigans when we cut the cake !!

It left us all on the top of the roller coaster !! Of course being at the top......one must remember that there is a down slope. That down slope included the following week.....May 9th our anniversary, May 10th was scheduled for court to deal with workman's comp, then May 11th the 10 month mark of Carmen leaving us.  YES......it totally sucked !!!

The rest of them month was semi normal. Then at the end of the month- Gianna went to her boyfriend's senior prom. We had a "billion" people here.....lol.....ok....not a billion but there were alot & we had a lovely time after the cute couple left !!

That night......in the wee hours......Gianna woke up with a 102 fever & ended up in the hospital with "something viral" (official diagnosis- you know when they don't know what the problem is) and Toni had a sore throat.....it was not related to allergies like I thought.....no !!! It was coxsachey- a form of hand foot mouth virus......so a throatful of blisters along with some on hands & feet. My poor sweet babies had a time of it. Gianna needed 6 1/2 bags of IV & Toni needed "magic mouthwash" and it was indeed magic !!! (should you or your kiddos ever get sick like that- ask for a Rx for Magic Mouthwash !!!)

As of Wednesday we were all done with school/work for the summer. The girls will start swim team & all the fun that goes with that (me too). We are planning a trip to NYC for a few days & some other fun things.

We are going to have a bittersweet Father's Day this year......I still have my dear Father- so I am happy to be able to celebrate having him here, yet my heart hurts that I can't celebrate the Father of my sweet girls. And they can't show him how much they still love & adore him !! We found a great ministry that we will be making a Memorial donation to - it involves inviting men out hunting & sharing the gospel with them at some point during the day. (I soooo love this idea- as Carmen often said there aren't enough "manly" christian men out there).

As we come upon the 11 month mark and then the 1 year angelversary we will continue to rely on all of you !!  We've had some people pull away and although painful.....we understand that people need to grieve their lose also and that they don't always know how to deal with us on a new relationship level.  But please know...... that we continue to be thankful and blessed by those who choose to be in our lives.

Love from Us !!

4/29/2012 - the countdown begins....

Last night I posted on facebook- that I had gone to bed & to my amazement - it was empty- Toni is in her own bed. I went to tuck her & when I gave her a kiss- she asked "will you always have room for me if I need to come back? Gianna replies from her room "of course she will with open arms".......as a mother....hearing this =PRICELESS !!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I posted this tonight-

Hi everyone.....I got a few inbox messages so I hope no one minds that I am posting instead of replying to you individually. This is just to clarify my last post a bit. My heart was filled with joy with the way the girls feel......but the bigger comfort was the big step for Toni.......it has been 9 1/2 months since she slept in her own bed. She couldn't bear to leave- because this is where she said she "felt close to Daddy"..... so although it might not last......and I will indeed welcome her back with open arms if she needs me......it was another step in this journey and I was proud of her.

Keep us close to your hearts- I am 10 days away from what would have been a truly wonderful day to Carmen and me- it was to be our 25th anniversary. I am going thru with what Carmen had planned to surprise me with.....a party. The girls and I have changed it a bit though- it will be a "Celebration of Life" party. We are going to celebrate the man I love, my soulmate, my best friend, the father of our beautiful daughters, a wonderful son and brother, and a loyal friend.

Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts & prayers, and thank you for the love, encouragement and support you give to us. It has brought us this far & I hope you will continue to stay in our lives. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

 

 

4/21/2012

My Darling Angel..... my dearest angel up above. I am writing you this poem with all my love. The day God called you home & took you away from me, was the day my world had changed, literally ! To lose you, nobody will understand, the pain it feels- like a thousand knives have ripped thru my ...heart. My world turned upside down, it has torn me apart ! Even after your parting, I searched for you, I thought I saw you a few times....but I knew it wasn't you, my mind was playing tricks, and my mind didn't want to believe you had gone. It's the littlest things I miss from you- a cuddle, your smile, a touch of your hand, a hug. They all seem so simple- anybody could do...but it's not from YOU- nobody would understand. I hate that you were taken from me, I hate that you are gone from here. We were meant to live this life as one, to never be apart, what God has joined, a family. You are now my guardian angel, as you are very special, protecting us, giving us your guidance & love from above. Watch over us, send us your love, give us some signs so we feel you there. I love you always, forever in our hearts. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4-10-2012

It is almost 9 months since Carmen was taken from us- often I do not sleep- but when I do- I am grateful for the nights when I dream of my beloved !! Carmen was a man of integrity, honesty & intense love. When you interacted with him you knew where you stood- sometimes his honesty could be brutal- but you knew from that honesty that he loved you with all of his being. Because if he did not like y...ou- he would ignore you- he wouldn't even bother wasting his breath talking to you. Family was everything to him- a priority -NOT an option to him. {He lived with the heartache of some broken relationships- but in the last months of this life he tried to fix them- but sadly he was taken from us before they could all be fixed- I have tried to reassure those affected that he DID indeed love them- and I believe that they now know this to be true}
Since his death- I’ve been reminded that we need to choose our words carefully, no matter how much you argue or fight- your family should be your family, make sure that you live your life with NO REGRETS- Tell them you love them !! But more importantly…..SHOW them you love them !! Your ACTIONS speak LOUDER than your words. Choose what you say & do carefully- we are NOT promised tomorrow- all that you love and hold dear can be ripped from you in an instant & do you want those actions to be the last memory you have ??
Death leaves a heartache that no one can fill…..while love leaves a memory that no one can steal. So…….don’t be stupid- take the time to fix the broken links in the family or friend chain. Speak the truth, Listen to the other person, Respect their point of view- even if it is different from yours, Forgive and last but not by any means least- LOVE the other person. I’m not saying it will be easy- some people will purposefully sabotage other relationships- they are sandpaper people- but in the end they will be useless and you will be polished. So…..don’t wait….pick up the phone, write a heartfelt letter, or better yet…..go talk to them in person.

4-7-2012

Wow.....what a day- quite good !! Slept in= ahhh ♥ , then had a relaxing morning & fun conversations !! Headed out to get some things done. While we were out & enjoying ourselves we ran into some old friends & that was also nice. We then had an encounter with someone who was so unbelievably rude to the girls that after my stunned response that an adult would act like that to kids.....I made a phon...e call to gripe about it. After griping I received two text messages that made me laugh & they reminded me that- that person is SO NOT worth another thought & that someday they will get all they deserve. I am truly very thankful to all of you who do love us & are interested in being part of our lives & are here.

There are many days that I get weary on this journey & I ask God "why have you allowed this to happen?" I've still not gotten an answer & I will admit that I really am not as strong as you may think I am. It is by the grace of God & his blessings that he has put people in my life that continue to love me and the girls. I am really and truly thankful and glad to have you in our lives. Each of you play a different & essential role. I hope none of you ever underestimate your importance. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4/1/2012

Did you ever want something so badly it hurt ? So bad that you could feel it with every fiber of your being? So deep in your soul that it feels bottomless & you will never quite reach it ??

I have.....I do......I was dreaming or I guess I should say I was hoping that somehow....Carmen was going to walk thru the door and tell us April fools.......I'm home !!

Easter is approaching and thankfully today the girls told me.....they don't feel like decorating for Easter this year. And I must tell you all that I laughed at the next part- "we don't need decorations....but we're still getting our Easter baskets right ??"  So......can you guess what I did next ?? Yes you guessed it....we went shopping for candy !!  And yes......I went overboard.....but the funny part....they will want to eat some candy on Easter morning....but other than that- the girls aren't huge candy eaters....they want a few pieces a day but that's it- really.....I JUST got rid of some Halloween candy !!  :)

We've had some great moments since Carmen's birthday and I am thankful each day for our daughters and the love we share. I am blessed and the Lord will continue to bring us along on this journey.

3/10/12 the next day........

Hello everyone.......I posted on fb that it was with your prayers, encouragement and support that we made it thru the day yesterday.
I couldn't fall asleep again last night.....my brain continues to try to process that Carmen will not ever walk thru the door again.......my heart wants to believe that he is still just out on the road.....and trying to get done working so he can come home to us.

Today is another day.........and we will just put one foot in front of the other and continue our journey.

3/8/2012

We are about to face a very important day tomorrow......Carmen's birthday. All week I've been trying to avoid how I am feeling & as you saw the other day.....it was not a good day !! And I don't forsee that tomorrow will be any better.

I am tired & weary & often don't know what to do about things. I miss the balance that he provided, I miss his arms around me, I miss his kisses and I really miss the look on his face when he would arrive home tired & wiped out.....yet......as soon as the girls would hear his car or hear him coming they would run....yes run to him and the look would change......to a big smile, the tired look would instantly vanish & a peaceful look would replace it.....all in a matter of mere seconds.

Then we would all come in the house......girls hanging off of Carmen.....I would be trailing behind left to carry the lunchbox & his stuff.....but watching them was the highlight of the day. Carmen and I would head to the kitchen- he would wash up & I would clean out the lunchbox, the girls would be anxiously awaiting more hugs and fun......but Carmen would always playfully chase them away....telling them....."Mommy first.....she's my number 1", oh the noise that would cause......the mock fights and them trying to squeeze inbetween Carm & me......we'd hug tighter and turn so they would have to squirm & wiggle in.......then he would open his arms so there would be a "family hug". And the one of the girls would holler...."family kiss" we would all make fish lips and smootch together one big kiss !! The laughter that followed can never be explained. It was then that he would chase them away for my time.....they would whine.....and he would say....."it's Mommy's turn" and that would be my most special time of the day.......I got my kiss & hug, he would comment that dinner smelled good & always ask....."when we eatin?"  If it was any longer than 5 minutes.....he would be sneaking something as soon as I turned my back !!!

After dinner was the usual family stuff that we all do in the evenings......homework, baths, playing, snacking, goofing off and cuddling........the girls and I would laugh as soon as Carmen would say....I'm going to "stretch out" on the sofa......because that meant....."I'm so tired but I don't want to go up to bed because I love to hear the noise of the family as I fall asleep".......later I would have to wake him just so I could help him to bed......but as I would wake him.....he would say "I'm not asleep- I'm just resting my eyes".........I would say....really ?? Then why were you snoring ? To which I would get an animated response of "are you kidding me....I don't snore" !!!!

So off to bed we'd go......only after we both would personally retuck the girls and kiss them once again before we went to bed. During the night he would always talk and yes....even argue with someone, often snore but best of all........he would roll over and pull me close......snuggling for hours most nights. His jobs often made it so he would have to get up & leave in the wee hours of the morning. Which we both hated......but I loved to see be with him so as he would get up & get ready in the bathroom.....I would quickly sneak downstairs, finish putting his lunch together & start the coffee. If there was time we would have a cup together before he headed out.

He would leave, I would head back to be for a bit more sleep & then get the girls up later. Our day would begin & as soon as I got them off to school it was time for the first of our check ins with each other. In those few hours his day was already hectic.......but he would tell me that when the phone rang...it was the best part of his morning. And I loved to start my day talking to him. The best thing that we ever did was to make sure that we always answered for each other when we called. No matter how busy he was.....he would answer.....sometimes he would ask "is it important? or can I call you right back....and then he would say...."I'll call you back in xxx amount of minutes" and true to his word.....he would call back right on time !!

As our day progressed......we would call each other......for advice, for comfort, for balance & calm, and to just check in.......we had special ring tones for each other.....so that we wouldn't even have to look at the caller id to see who was calling.....and when I heard his ringtone.....my heart would beat a bit faster. Neither of us ever cared who we were with.....if those ringtones rang.....no one else mattered...the phone got answered.

Now- there is no checking in......no quickening of the heart......no shouts of joy that Daddy's home. None of the special moments that made me who I am or made me whole. Now there is just a hole. A gaping wound that no one can heal. The girls will see my pain and try to make me feel better & their love and hugs are priceless......but there in none like my beloved Carmen.

Happy Birthday dear man........I Love You- with all my heart & soul !! As we often said....we are each other's- lover, best friend, soul mate, breath and strength, we are each other's life & everything !!!

I know you have everything you always wanted or need now.....I know that as you celebrate this first birthday in heaven you are with so many people who love you.......but I miss you !!! I love you and I wish that I could have just had more time with you......and to have you here with me to raise our girls. But you taught them well and although they too are having rough days......You would defintely be proud of them......they are strong young ladies and they amaze me with how they have struggled and forged on !  They talk about you all the time and for that I am glad.....they do worry if you are proud of them.....so I remind them how proud you already were of them & that you couldn't ask for better kids. I remind them......"didn't Daddy always tell you and show you how much he loved you?" and that makes them smile and go on. We take it day by day & some are better than others- but they will never be the same.

Again my love.......Happy Birthday......all my love always & forever.......~Me   {{hugs}}

02/23/2012

I guess my original thoughts weren't meant to be shared........I was typing a post and I got interupted and then I mistakenly hit the back button and the whole thing disappeared.

I was saying that there are many a hard days and feelings that I either don't know OR don't want to deal with.....so often I prefer to keep busy. Not so busy that I don't think about things but busy enough that reality still only gets to creep in instead of running me over.

One thing that bugs me is when people havent' seen me a a few weeks and ask me "so how are you doing now?"........I want to reply- "how do you think I am doing? Do you think that a few weeks has made things better? Do you think that the pain of losing my soul mate and all of our hopes, dreams and life together has suddenly gotten better since you last saw me?  Or maybe you thought that dealing with two daughters who adored their daddy and their pain has gone by the wayside?

Many times they will say......I understand what you are feeling. Really ??  I dont' care what you think....but if you haven't lost your beloved spouse in the way that Carmen was taken from us then don't tell us that you understand.  I had a couple of people tell me that since they've lost their husbands that they know what I am going thru.........well I hate to break it to them but ....ummmm no you don't. They were able to finish raising their children together, then enjoy retirement with them, followed by having & enjoy grandchilren together. Then their loved one passed away peacefully in their sleep. (now I know they mean well......but come on !!) 

How on earth do you expect me to think that you comprehend my pain.  Now I also know that there are some people who have lost their spouses in an unexpected death (like a heart attack) and so they are getting closer to understanding, then there are the ones who's loved ones may have died in some horrible like a car accident......they are even closer to comprehending ......but unless it was sudden & frightfully atrocious manner like Carmen then please don't tell me you understand.

Feel free to say that you sympathize, or are empathetic, but don't attempt to compare the two. Do they also have to deal with the almost daily reminders that your children will grow up and each milestone they reach they will say...." I wish Daddy were here- how would be so proud" .......I try to teach them and remind them that their Daddy couldn't be more proud of them.  Or that as they reach each of these milestones........it carries them one step closer to their hopes and dreams !!  Yet......as they reach for these goals......it also means that I am am one step closer to them leaving to embark on their journey. And then once again.......I will get to expererience the emptyness once again.

Now I am not saying that we are the first or only ones who are going thru this.......but I do want them to think before they either say or email us with these types of comments.

So.....on to other things. Please continue to pray for us- there are so many days that are still quite a roller coaster adn I know that your prayers are what is getting us thru.

Thanks for letting me rant !   I hope you all have a good Friday and a relaxing weekend !!

2/12/12

Yesterday was 7 months. Seven months of waiting for Carmen to walk back in the door. Seven months of wondering what really happened to my beloved. Seven months of my heart breaking but also feeling numb. Seven months of trying to help our daughters grieve and to allow them to start to live. To help them feel something other than loss and pain. All the while my heart breaks, a hole that can never be filled.

It is said that grief is a path that is traveled alone. For no one can truly understand the pain you are feeling. Each person has a different perspective and experience. It is so very hard to let others in- to let them really know the pain that I feel. Most people think that I am so strong and that I am doing so well, but in reality- I am tired and in pain. When your heart is breaking it is exhausting. 

I am keeping busy & for now that is what I need. I am also busy planning a "Celebration of life party to honor Carmen.....and also to celebrate what would have been our 25th anniversary. I am blessed in that last May....right after our 24th anniversary.....I found out Carmen was planning to celebrate our 25th in a big way. He had plans to renew our vows and to surprise me with some other fun things.

Well......I am off for now- probably won't post again until after the sting of Valentines day passes. I know I have said this before......but I am thankful for all of my family and friends. I am thankful for your support and love.

2/5/2012

It's been a few weeks since I've last written. Not for a lack of things to write.....but rather lack of time...we've been keeping busy. This weekend we've been celebrating Gianna's birthday. We were fortunate to be able to have two parties. The first one was on friday night. My nieces, spouse Brian and son Nicky, along with brother in law Tommy & Gianna's boyfriend came over. Nat brought Gianna a red velvet cake !! Saturday was our usual morning of cheerleading with our happy cheerleader Toni !!! Then my parents came down for dinner. Mom made baked french toast with extra raisins, walnuts & goo...per the birthday girl's request. We followed that up with Stock's pound cake topped with strawberries & whip cream.....but the party didn't stop there. After dinner we had another crew join us.....Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Sis in Laws, Friends- mine and the girls !!  Another shout out to my friend Chrissie......once again.....another GREAT cake !!! Yummmmm !!!!  Tomorrow the fun continues.......Gianna's actual birthday......and she has a swim meet.......so I am going to "help" the team by bringing the party to them. Gianna & I put together brownies, rice crispy treats, mini donuts and small strudels !! Then we will finish the night with Mother/daughter night at EG's.

I am blessed......the Lord has given me two wonderful daughters !!!!
******************************************************************************

On another topic........I post this question .........who came up with the phrase "time heals" ???

This was my fb post earlier.....Some more thoughts on grief- who came up with the phrase ” time heals” ? And what were they referring to ? Certainly can't be grief. Because time doesn't heal- time may lessen the intensity but it certainly doesn't make it go away. It is there forever and always.......this means there is NO time limit on grief.

I am finding....that the hardest parts are not immediate or even at the "big things" instead it is the "small things". You know the times you realize that the shock has worn off, the support of the well meaning is fading and now......it hits......life will never be the same. As the fog lifts and you start to regain your brain......and the everyday tasks are once again endless......you realize that you are going to always have this huge hole in your life, the loss will hit you like a truck when you least expect it.

It will be challenging when people ask "how are you?" or when time passes and they have gone on with their lives.....yet they don't remember that you have lost a huge & major part of yourself. How do you explain so they will understand.....that when the "two became one.....& now that one has been ripped apart with no chance to say goodbye" that the part who has been left behind just doesn't "get over" it.

There is no quick recovery, we will always carry this feeling of pain, hurt and loss- BUT we will also carry the love, memories and feelings forever !!

The girls and I struggle in our own ways......but thru these battles.....we will always carry Carmen with us and we do our best to focus on the love & good memories not the loss.

As you sit and plan for tomorrow....remember that "Time is so short and life is fleeting....you never know what will happen next. So Love those around you as if there is no tomorrow and live your life without any regrets. Time with those you love is precious and priceless. Make the most of it and never let them forget you love them. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

1/17/2012

Hello everyone......some of you may have read that I got the BEST GIFT ever last night !!! But in case you didn't see it..... Toni found a recording of Carmen talking to us on the phone. It was so utterly amazing, awesome, terrific, exciting, heart melting recording that we could have found !!!

Everyone I've told can't understand how my cell phone would have recorded our conversation and that it only recorded his side of it.

All I can say......is that no matter what you believe......I don't care how it came to be there....or how it happened, I am just thankful that God allowed Toni to find it !!!!

My heart did a happy sigh !!!

1/11/2012 - 6 months today........

Today is 6 months and I am struggling with the loss of my beloved Carmen.

But I am a warrior- yes a warrior. I want those who know me to understand…....that anyone who is grieving the loss of someone they love is actively fighting a war. It is a war of engagement, a war of conflict and a war of survival. It is fought on many battlefields of the heart and soul- and it endures for many long days & nights.

This is not something I chose, but I can choose to be a warrior with a warrior spirit. I can believe in myself and my ability to get thru this. I am lucky & feel blessed to have my friends around me to stand by my side and to have my back. So thank you !!!
Accompanying me into battle are these words- (Hope)- filling me with love, telling me that no matter what I will heal one day. I will one day be happy & fulfilled again. (Courage) Life is uncertain but I have decided to take each day one step at a time, by doing this I will gain momentum to keep moving forward despite the fear & doubts that come my way. (Faith) I know that my Lord will get me thru this and is here by my side the whole time. I am not alone. (Love) Love will transcend loss and becomes greater each day. The love in my heart for my beloved Carmen, Gianna & Toni will sustain me and help me find my way. (Resilence) It is said “ it is not in the falling that we demonstrate resilience but in the getting back up again.” So I will face the pain and fear and I although I will sometimes fail and break down in tears …..I WILL get back up. And lastly (Rise) I will not allow what has happened to me and the girls define us. We will rise again, we will allow our sorrow to find it’s voice & roar and like the phoenix- we WILL ARISE FROM THE ASHES !!!

1/8/2012

Well....the new year arrived and we continue on our journey without Carmen. Since Christmas we've had some more of those ups & downs. We were off from school & work for Christmas break. We got to visit the Franklin Inst. to experience the CSI exhibit. It was alot of fun & the girls were so very observant.  :)  yes......they solved all 3 cases !!!  On the down side.....the girls had been fighting off some sort of bug... but it didnt' last.....they both got sick. Thankfully after some rest & OTC meds Gianna got better & Toni needed some antibiotics for bronchitis and is doing much better.

On New Years Eve morning we attended my grandmother's funeral. For me it was more heartbreaking to see my father, his brothers and sisters sadness. I feel bad that I couldn't feel more for her but my heart is still so broken that I think my mind shut off all feeling other than the pain of seeing my father's heart hurt. She lived a long life to the age of 97.

On New Year's night......the girls and I continued our tradition of staying up until midnight....watching the ball drop, sharing a smooch & going outside to bang pots loudly in attempts to wake the neighborhood. We then came in and made our phone calls !! As usual.....the girls loved this !!!

This past weekend we had a multifaceted get together (or as I called it my anti-birthday party). The girls, my parents, dear Kim, Robert, Alex, my sister in law Paula & Lily all were here to get together for Christmas, New Years and for my Mother's and my birthday. I made a good bit of tasty tidbits.... (well ok....I can't say made.....I got a good bit) of tasty food together. We had pepperoni & cheese with 3 types of crackers, shrimp cocktail, carrots & dip, trail mix (for the healthy minded) snack mix (for the rest of us) ......we then moved on to meatball & roast beef sandwiches. Robert brought some delicious potato salad to have on the side. After some time for all that to settle......we moved on to one terrific cake (shout out to Chrissie- YUM !!!)  Chrissie is amazing......I was not feeling the whole birthday thing......and other than telling her 1/2 vanilla 1/2 chocolate & telling her to write Happy Birthday Mom !! I didn't give any other specs......sneaky chickie.....waited until I wasn't around and asked Toni for my mother's & my favorite colors and then made the most beautiful, yummy, delicious and moist cake !!!  (she also added my name to the cake- lol !!)

We spent some time visiting and laughing. We had some precious laughs with Lily bug & then after awhile they had to go.....little one needed to get to bed. My parents soon followed.....but Alex & Toni got Robert involved in using the wii to look at disney pics.......on this part of the visit- I will just say that is truly wonderful to laugh !!!  To laugh is healing.......to see our girls laugh=priceless.....to be teased and tortured by Robert.....almost as much fun as Carmen doing it (same twisted humor).

So now......this week......as usual....will be a busy week with the girls, we will celebrate my mother's 69th birthday (doesn't she look great- certainly doesn't look her age) we will acknowledge my birthday but at the same time.........we will arrive at the 6 month mark of losing my dear man. It's hard to fathom that: 1/2 year or 26 weeks- 184 days and countless sleepless & painful hours and minutes is coming to pass.

I often wonder.....how is it that time passes so quickly yet seem like it has stood still ?? I think.....ok....we've gotten thru two of the most painful holidays yet still have a lifetime to do this without Carmen. I was in the store and I see Valentine's day stuff already......my first thought......what am I going to get Carm ?? Then it was like running into the brick wall......my lover & my best friend is gone.  That makes me think of all the other holidays to come......it didn't matter how small the holiday was......we would celebrate them......we'd laugh about that too & he would tease.  Oh how I miss his laugh......along with so many other things.

At this point I am thankful that the Lord has made my brain to keep me in the present.......when I try to think to far ahead it shuts down......I have the hardest time thinking.

Anyway.....back to the present and a happier note- this week we are waiting to see some happy pictures from Debbie.......her son is back in the States.....no more war zone for him !!  Brian, Tim, and now Keith all home= another good heart moment !!  =)

As I have said before .....but would like to repeat........to all of you who take the time to love and care for the girls and I.......Thank you......I really couldn't do this without you.