6/28/12

As you can see from the time.....it is another of my sleepless nights. So much runs thru my head & heart. FIRST- I would like to take a moment to Thank You all for your encouraging words, the love you send & your positive thoughts & prayers !!! I truly, truly appreciate them.

But next I do need to say something- there really isn't anything to be proud of me for- I really am not as strong as you t...hink I am- this past year I have been what I thought was blessedly numb. Yes there were good moments, good times with my dear precious girls, family & friends.....but all the while....there was a mask on- appearances are deceiving- my heart was empty. And now....somehow.....reality is no longer creeping in slowly.......it is a flood !!! And it totally sucks !!!!

This past year I have had to do so much that previously was "Carmen's job"- so much that he handled in 28 years.....he took care of things so that I didn't even have to think about such things. Why is there no manuel for all of this ??? Why hasn't someone written a handbook on what to do & what to look for & to tell us.....here are alot of things that hubbys would do that you now have to do ???

Anywho.....I will end tonight's rambling thoughts with this- I am struggling with a pain that I certainly would have never chosen for me or the girls. And I know that many of you are dealing with Carmen's death & your pain also. I am thankful for EACH and EVERY one of you !!!! For without the love, support and encouragement I would not be where I am right now. Some of you may not really think about how much your words, notes, postcards and small kindness can carry a broken hearted woman thru her next moment, hour, day or week. How you support Gianna & Toni in two ways......1st by supporting their Mama.....& 2nd by loving them !!!

God is good, God is great.....and I thank him for my family & friends. My beloved is with him.....and one day I will join him but until then......I have been given all of you.
With much love.......~Crys

6/26/12

Wow.....it is so quiet here. The girls are with my parents for VBS and even the street is quiet. For so many years I would love when Carmen would take the girls so I could have quiet time to myself, well....I've changed my mind !! I like the noise, I like to have the girls close and I have decided....it is more to my liking to have "quiet time" when they are somewhere close by !!!

Today my friend came over agan & this time the upstairs was cleaned. Whew....what a job..... both physically & emotionally. Now I just need to tackle the dining room table that is loaded & I mean loaded with junk. Papers, books, receipts- you name it- it is probably on there. But then I will be done with a big chunk of things. At some point I will need to tackle the basement, attic & shed. All of those were Carmen's domain. Everytime I look at the stuff it is overwhelming massive. So many things that I want to get rid of because I or the girls will never use it & so that it is done, yet so much of it IS Carmen.

I still feel like he is just out on the road and will arrive home any time now......that if I just wait long enough he will call & apologize for being gone so long.

My heart is hurting right now......so that is all for today.

6/17/12 Our 1st Father's Day

Well.....we made it thru our first father's day without Carmen. Often my heart is still hollow & broken and yet unlike quite a few of my friends I am still blessed to have my dear Pop with us. My girls are fortunate to have their Pop Pop. His calm, loving and gentle spirit are a blessing to all who have the pleasure of knowing him.

Today I did my best to show my dad that not only do we love him but that we think he is special. It was both hard & easy......I'm confused at how it can be that way. Later the girls and I stopped in to see my father in law. Carmen always thought of him as a father and we wanted to still honor that relationship. I hope that both dads had a good day.

Today was also full of lots of thoughts of past Fathers Days......the time Carmen and I would spend together before the girls woke up, the amused look on his face as we presented him with his gifts. The way he would wear, or show joy over whatever they had chosen for him......the expectant & anxious looks the girls would give until he smiled and gave hugs and then the happy & joyful smiles and giggles that would follow would fill my heart with joy & happiness !!

I wish my beloved Carmen a very Happy Father's Day......your sweet girls are doing well. We all miss you and love you more than you can ever know and wish with all of our being that you were still here. I can't take your place....I can only try to keep your memory & values alive and to try to be the best mom that I can be and make you proud.

All my Love Always and Forever.......

6/12/12 the countdown begins......

I didn't think that I would be so preoccupied this month. Yesterday was 11 months since Carmen was killed and my thoughts were everywhere & nowhere. The only way for me to describe it was to say that I felt odd all day.

This next month.....is a countdown.....to the one year mark since Carmen was killed, taken from us so abruptly that our lives completely changed. So many things have changed this past year. I have come to see who truly loves and cares for us.  As many others before us have done....we've had relationships change in ways that confused & hurt us and we've been blessed to have others change in a way that comfort & calm us.

We've had lots of ups and downs, a lot of moments that made us laugh and others that made us cry. We've made it to & thru alot of the "first" milestones and we are approaching the big one. But I've heard that the second year is very difficult also.....because people "expect" us to be "better or over" this huge loss. Well......I hope those around us realize that this hasn't gotten easier, nor have we gotten over Carmen's death.

We have managed to figure out how to go forward with our lives, we are certainly trying to find a new normal and I really try to make sure that the girls have the usual fun things to do to help them heal and to go forward in living and enjoying life. But unless you have actually lost your husband or wife then you can "only imagine" what I am feeling......and to be honest.....can anyone really imagine such a painful, heart ripping pain or the empty lost feeling that I carry ?? 

I don't ask for your sympathy.....just your understanding.....and when you see it....your help. I will admit that I still struggle with the fact that I need help, that everything Carmen used to do- I can not & that there are people willing to be there and to step up and fill that void....but it so so so very hard to accept it. Not sure why.....pride, embarrassment, pain, agitated, flustered ??

My mind keeps going back to the thought that Carmen is out on the road and will come home any moment now......my heart pounds at that anticipatory thought.....my dear man will walk thru that door and aplogize for being so late.....scoop all three of his girls into his arms and squeeze us tight. The laughter fills the room as we are reunited, the joy on his and the girls faces....fills my heart with happiness and a joy that can not be described and there is nothing else here on earth that fills my heart in that way.

I've only had a few stupid comments these past months....so this is more a reminder: please make sure you don't say the following things to me (or anyone who is grieving for that matter)......

1) God has a reason for everything.....{yes I know that but unless you can tell me the reason then don't bother giving my your pious opinion}

2) I know how you feel.....{oh really ?? so you've lost your husband suddenly in a horrible manner? No you don't know how I feel....you can only "try" to imagine}

3) You need to move on - {do I ?? after loving him all my life....I'm supposed to just pick up & move on- I suppose with all your wisdom....you are going to tell me just how to do that}

4) Time heals all wounds- {no it doesn't & it doesn't get easier either....we are just figuring out how to cope & how to live with the wound}

5) My fav.....you will find someone & get married again....don't worry ! {are you freakin kidding me ?  I've lost the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend, my lover and the father of my two sweet daughters......I knew him more than 3/4 of my life and when he died....I was married to him for over 1/2 of my life !!  I'm not in the market for a replacement- he wasn't an appliance.


As you can tell.......someone ticked me off & I am venting- like I said..... my thoughts are wandering.......bear with me.......it will pass !!

6/8/2012

Wow...it has been over a month & I haven't written. We've been busy. Since my last post we had our Celebration of Life party for Carmen and what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. It was a truly amazing party. So many people who love Carmen, me and the girls. I brought our wedding pictures and the posters that we made for his service.

There was a hiccup.....my cousin Brian (thanks to the army) was not able to make it.  =(  but it was ok- we got past that & my friend Odai (DJ megaskills) was terrific !! Another friend Chrissie made a delicious and beautiful cake !!  Then....another friend was our videography & a lovely woman Judith came to take lots of pictures !!

There was alot of dancing, tasty food, alot of shared memories- laughs and tears. Courtesy of my dear Kim & Jen (sw's) there was a bit of shenanigans when we cut the cake !!

It left us all on the top of the roller coaster !! Of course being at the top......one must remember that there is a down slope. That down slope included the following week.....May 9th our anniversary, May 10th was scheduled for court to deal with workman's comp, then May 11th the 10 month mark of Carmen leaving us.  YES......it totally sucked !!!

The rest of them month was semi normal. Then at the end of the month- Gianna went to her boyfriend's senior prom. We had a "billion" people here.....lol.....ok....not a billion but there were alot & we had a lovely time after the cute couple left !!

That night......in the wee hours......Gianna woke up with a 102 fever & ended up in the hospital with "something viral" (official diagnosis- you know when they don't know what the problem is) and Toni had a sore throat.....it was not related to allergies like I thought.....no !!! It was coxsachey- a form of hand foot mouth virus......so a throatful of blisters along with some on hands & feet. My poor sweet babies had a time of it. Gianna needed 6 1/2 bags of IV & Toni needed "magic mouthwash" and it was indeed magic !!! (should you or your kiddos ever get sick like that- ask for a Rx for Magic Mouthwash !!!)

As of Wednesday we were all done with school/work for the summer. The girls will start swim team & all the fun that goes with that (me too). We are planning a trip to NYC for a few days & some other fun things.

We are going to have a bittersweet Father's Day this year......I still have my dear Father- so I am happy to be able to celebrate having him here, yet my heart hurts that I can't celebrate the Father of my sweet girls. And they can't show him how much they still love & adore him !! We found a great ministry that we will be making a Memorial donation to - it involves inviting men out hunting & sharing the gospel with them at some point during the day. (I soooo love this idea- as Carmen often said there aren't enough "manly" christian men out there).

As we come upon the 11 month mark and then the 1 year angelversary we will continue to rely on all of you !!  We've had some people pull away and although painful.....we understand that people need to grieve their lose also and that they don't always know how to deal with us on a new relationship level.  But please know...... that we continue to be thankful and blessed by those who choose to be in our lives.

Love from Us !!