Where do I start ?? I will start by saying that yesterday was my Valentine's day. My dear man loved me enough to set me apart from all others and celebrate our love before everyone else. I can tell you that I always felt special when we were together- Carmen had a way of making me feel like the most special woman on earth.....as if I was the only one he saw in the room.
I lost someone that I can’t live without, and my heart has been badly broken, and the bad news is that I will never get over the loss of my beloved Carmen- but the good news- is that he will live forever in my broken heart- since it won't ever seal back up.
I can't say that I "lost someone" because he was taken from me- stolen- ripped from my life- but I think to myself- "oh how I wish for one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when I thought that Carmen would be here forever, or at least until we could grow old together ! No matter how long I live- no matter how many experiences I have- I will collect and savor many more memories but none of them will outweigh the one I wish I could have back.
I saw a quote about losing someone- "When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, & their scent fades from the pillows & from their clothes. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that they are gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.”
So I have come to realize that each & every day is bittersweet. Each time I wake up I am thankful for another day with my children, but each day I wake up also means that I am not with my beloved. Every day I kiss my children goodbye as they head out the door I wonder will they return to me or be taken from me, Every day I get to greet them at the end of their day I am grateful that God has seen fit to give me more time with them, and each night as they lay their heads down I pray that God protects them and gives them rest.
As each birthday, holiday or special event comes my way- I pray for the strength and grace to deal with it in a way that would make Carmen proud of me. The day he was taken from me was a life changing day.....I will never be the same.....I can never go back......I do my best to move forward but on the days when I feel that is just not possible.....I simply hope that I stay put...that I don't move backwards. I've been told that I am so strong.....I'm not sure how others are seeing this in me since I don't ever "feel" strong. What I can tell you is that I write from my heart.....it comes from deep within my hurting heart and soul......a place that will never heal....a place that can only hold so much in before it spills out.....sometimes it is tears, other times it is what I write, other times it is an action- where the girls and I do something loving or kind for someone when they need it and least expect it.
So my dear man......my beloved Carmen- there is a place in my heart where your hands still rest- your kiss still linger and your voice whispers and echos in my soul. It is a safe place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.....a place where we are together and a place that no one can ever take you from me.
All my love always..........
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
2/5/13- tomorrow is a milestone- Gianna's 18th
Today I am in the middle of baking cupcakes for Gianna's swim team (for the team dinner tomorrow) and since it is her birthday....they can help her celebrate again. I say again....because Saturday we had her birthday party. Her 18th birthday party !!
As I sit here baking cupcakes, getting the secret decorations ready (it was a tradition of Carmen & I- to decorate for the girls after they went to bed- this way- they wake up on birthday morning to the festivities) I had to buy her a special card.....so many that had from "both of us" or to "our daughter" and it was so hard. I managed to find what I thought would be good. But as always now- I second guess myself.
We are all aware that this big milestone- her 18th birthday- this should be a special day. But this past week we've all had more meltdowns than I care to count. I've had mine in private when they aren't here- because it seems that if I cry when they have a meltdown it's ok....but if they see me crying first then their heartache is compounded. I miss Carmen so much- the companionship, the conversations, sharing in the joy of good report cards and accomplishments. I miss him telling me about his day and my heart aches for the time that the girls don't get to share with him all the things they want to- to see the pride on his face as they share something with him and the grin as he pulled them close to seal it with a hug.
There is nothing that can heal our broken hearts right now. (and before anyone gets all pious on me- yes we know God is here) but we want Carmen here and we feel cheated !! There is so much more we needed and wanted with Carmen. I feel incomplete and have to figure out who I am now and who I want to be for the rest of my days here. I am no longer considered "Carmen's wife" and although I will always be "Gianna & Toni's mother" the big part of that job will be coming to a close. Who is Crystal ?? I don't know......all I do know is that right now.....she is looking at her eldest daughter who is about to turn 18.....and wonders where the time went, what have Carmen and I done right- and I wonder what I have done wrong since he was taken. There hasn't been his strength, guidance, wisdom and love......what is the impact ?
Well.....back to my work and preparation for tomorrow....as I get ready to wish my sweet "baby" girl Gianna a very happy 18th birthday.
As I sit here baking cupcakes, getting the secret decorations ready (it was a tradition of Carmen & I- to decorate for the girls after they went to bed- this way- they wake up on birthday morning to the festivities) I had to buy her a special card.....so many that had from "both of us" or to "our daughter" and it was so hard. I managed to find what I thought would be good. But as always now- I second guess myself.
We are all aware that this big milestone- her 18th birthday- this should be a special day. But this past week we've all had more meltdowns than I care to count. I've had mine in private when they aren't here- because it seems that if I cry when they have a meltdown it's ok....but if they see me crying first then their heartache is compounded. I miss Carmen so much- the companionship, the conversations, sharing in the joy of good report cards and accomplishments. I miss him telling me about his day and my heart aches for the time that the girls don't get to share with him all the things they want to- to see the pride on his face as they share something with him and the grin as he pulled them close to seal it with a hug.
There is nothing that can heal our broken hearts right now. (and before anyone gets all pious on me- yes we know God is here) but we want Carmen here and we feel cheated !! There is so much more we needed and wanted with Carmen. I feel incomplete and have to figure out who I am now and who I want to be for the rest of my days here. I am no longer considered "Carmen's wife" and although I will always be "Gianna & Toni's mother" the big part of that job will be coming to a close. Who is Crystal ?? I don't know......all I do know is that right now.....she is looking at her eldest daughter who is about to turn 18.....and wonders where the time went, what have Carmen and I done right- and I wonder what I have done wrong since he was taken. There hasn't been his strength, guidance, wisdom and love......what is the impact ?
Well.....back to my work and preparation for tomorrow....as I get ready to wish my sweet "baby" girl Gianna a very happy 18th birthday.
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