I am having some more of those moments where I don't know what I am thinking or feeling. Tomorrow will be 16 weeks.....it seems both close and yet far away. It will be halloween......I didn't even bother to decorate or bother with carving the pumpkins....but if the girls noticed....or minded...they didn't say a thing.
The youngest is still excited about going out trick or treating......but I am so not into it. All I can think about it no fun scaring by Daddy.....no teasing about how heavy their bags are....so he will "help" them....but there will be a price.....a kiss, a hug and piece of candy !! Then before we would go home...he would check a few pieces of candy so they could munch ! As they got ready for bed.....we would go over their candy.....he always amazed me.....he would check each and every piece of candy.....anything and I mean anything that didn't look just right.....would go in the trash.
I would love nothing more than to go to the store, buy a ton of candy and say....here you go....all done do we have to actually go out now ?? But no.......not so lucky !!
To add to all this suckiness......the storm yesterday reminded me that winter is approaching and I get to face all that it brings.....alone. No more sharing the shoveling of snow, or waking up and thinking that I have to clean off my car.....since Carm went to work at 2-3 am.......and to my surprise {which I shouldn't have been} I would go outside to find the minivan all cleaned off and if I was lucky a note that would say........"I love you- love Carm" on my seat. No more being inside warm & toasty making the hot chocolate while he played with the girls out in the snow.
I guess all this pain means I am moving from the denial, numb stage to the angry- this freakin sucks stage !!
When I married Carmen.....I thought my heart was full of love, then I had our children and I was amazed that it could hold and give more love, then my beloved man was taken from me and now I wonder.....how much pain can a heart hold before it truly breaks ?
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
10/19/11
Not sure why.....but what a restless night. So many thoughts of my beloved Carmen and the feelings that follow them. I long to have him walk thru the door and tell me he is sorry that he is getting home late and for making us worry. To hold me tight and tell me things that made me smile as only he can do. To have him tell me "we'll be fine" no matter what was going on. I ache to see him scoop up our daughters when they run to him as he comes home- hollering "daddy's home!!" To see the smile on his face as they did this......as he would drop whatever he had in his hands to hug them !!
My heart aches as I read things about families not supporting one another, I hear about children and elderly being abused, so many of our family and friends who don't have jobs- thru no fault of their own, and I think to myself......my dear sweet man would do whatever he could to help others and he would stand up for those who could not defend themselves....and yes.....Carmen could be abrasive or even harsh......but you knew......he was passionate !! And if he confronted you with something....it was only because he loved you.....otherwise he would even bother to talk to you ! =)
Our daughters continue to amaze me with all they do and are !! I see Carmen in them in so many things and I think to myself- I am glad that I see this so often. For others it may bring pain......but to me.....it is my beloved living on thru them. They are strong, caring, loving, passionate and honest- what more could a father want then for someone to see this in his children ?? As before......may we continue to make Carmen proud in all we do and honor him by our example.
My heart aches as I read things about families not supporting one another, I hear about children and elderly being abused, so many of our family and friends who don't have jobs- thru no fault of their own, and I think to myself......my dear sweet man would do whatever he could to help others and he would stand up for those who could not defend themselves....and yes.....Carmen could be abrasive or even harsh......but you knew......he was passionate !! And if he confronted you with something....it was only because he loved you.....otherwise he would even bother to talk to you ! =)
Our daughters continue to amaze me with all they do and are !! I see Carmen in them in so many things and I think to myself- I am glad that I see this so often. For others it may bring pain......but to me.....it is my beloved living on thru them. They are strong, caring, loving, passionate and honest- what more could a father want then for someone to see this in his children ?? As before......may we continue to make Carmen proud in all we do and honor him by our example.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
10-12-11 update
Hello Everyone !! Yesterday & today was bit more difficult than I thought. The eldest said that she still feels numb & tries not to think about things. The youngest said something similar. But she can't articulate as well.
I am trying to keep busy but there are times when annoying or simple things make me so very cranky,
So keep those prayers coming !!
Thanks - Crystal
I am trying to keep busy but there are times when annoying or simple things make me so very cranky,
So keep those prayers coming !!
Thanks - Crystal
Friday, October 7, 2011
10/7/11- almost 3 months.....
Rougher day than I thought. Last night the girls and I went thru Carmen's clothes. This was certainly amazing....the girls were thoughtful & as they saw shirts & ties- the memories they shared were totally mind blowing. I can't put into words how my heart felt seeing them fold the items and laugh and reflect on so many things. I thank the Lord that they have these memories & I pray that this thoughts and memories don't fade over time.
Some people are surprised that we've done this "already". But I'm not......the girls and I thought about what Carmen would have wanted....and we agreed that helping others is what he did & what he was about. He would certainly not want his clothes hanging around collecting dust and wasting away.
My dear man would always help others and the girls had said to me before "that they wanted Daddy's clothes to go somewhere that would help another Daddy to help his family by getting a good job, he would be able to get a good job because when the person doing the hiring would see the man in nice clothes and hire him & this would help the man's family."
So we took his things to Tabitha's. The girls asked Cindy why the store was named that? Her response was that there was a woman in the Bible that always made sure those in need had clothes. As we carried the bags, boxes and containers into the store I was so proud to see them gently place the items in a pile. They explained why they were there & how they hoped to help another daddy by this donation. Cindy thanked them for their generous donation and for taking the time to come all the way to personally do it. I took a few pictures for their scrapbook.
One day.....I wonder if they will look back at this and realize what a big step this was for them ?? I know they heard me say how proud I was of them- but once again they asked if I thought Daddy was proud of them? I told them......."Daddy was always proud of them.....but he is just beaming with pride & bragging to anyone close by that they are his daughters !!"
I also told them that as we continue on this journey he looks down at us with pride, joy and love !! He can see that we are living our lives as if he were right here with us- being the same caring, loving and brave girls !!
On the way home they told me that they are really feeling good about doing this & then asked what I thought ?? I was not totally forthcoming- I told them that I was happy that Daddy's clothes will help another father.... but what I did not share with them was the fact that my heart hurt to see the empty closet and drawers !! But I was not going to stand in their way of healing & I didn't want to make them feel bad for taking this big step.
As you think of us......continue to pray that we can continue to make Carmen proud by the way we live our lives !! Also pray that I have enough strength each day to meet the challenges that are to come !! Just like the girls.... I want to make my beloved man proud - so that one day when I see him again- he will hug me , hold me & smile !!!
Some people are surprised that we've done this "already". But I'm not......the girls and I thought about what Carmen would have wanted....and we agreed that helping others is what he did & what he was about. He would certainly not want his clothes hanging around collecting dust and wasting away.
My dear man would always help others and the girls had said to me before "that they wanted Daddy's clothes to go somewhere that would help another Daddy to help his family by getting a good job, he would be able to get a good job because when the person doing the hiring would see the man in nice clothes and hire him & this would help the man's family."
So we took his things to Tabitha's. The girls asked Cindy why the store was named that? Her response was that there was a woman in the Bible that always made sure those in need had clothes. As we carried the bags, boxes and containers into the store I was so proud to see them gently place the items in a pile. They explained why they were there & how they hoped to help another daddy by this donation. Cindy thanked them for their generous donation and for taking the time to come all the way to personally do it. I took a few pictures for their scrapbook.
One day.....I wonder if they will look back at this and realize what a big step this was for them ?? I know they heard me say how proud I was of them- but once again they asked if I thought Daddy was proud of them? I told them......."Daddy was always proud of them.....but he is just beaming with pride & bragging to anyone close by that they are his daughters !!"
I also told them that as we continue on this journey he looks down at us with pride, joy and love !! He can see that we are living our lives as if he were right here with us- being the same caring, loving and brave girls !!
On the way home they told me that they are really feeling good about doing this & then asked what I thought ?? I was not totally forthcoming- I told them that I was happy that Daddy's clothes will help another father.... but what I did not share with them was the fact that my heart hurt to see the empty closet and drawers !! But I was not going to stand in their way of healing & I didn't want to make them feel bad for taking this big step.
As you think of us......continue to pray that we can continue to make Carmen proud by the way we live our lives !! Also pray that I have enough strength each day to meet the challenges that are to come !! Just like the girls.... I want to make my beloved man proud - so that one day when I see him again- he will hug me , hold me & smile !!!
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