Well- everyone is gone & we got thru Christmas Eve & Christmas day !! Last night we had a brief visit with my SIL Paula and then we headed to Jersey to visit with my brother in law Tommy, our nieces & their families. Lisa, Kim, Nat & Brian prepared the 7 fishes. {they decided to add sushi this year- & they all knew that their Uncle would have seriously given them a hard time about that !!!}
They all did a wonderful job preparing the food & all I had to do was make the bananna cream pies {I believe I was told I couldn't come if I didn't bring them}.
After we got home we took care of some last minute things & then decided since it was after midnight it was technically Christmas morning & so we opened presents. Considering that I was really not prepared to do our usual Christmas morning routine without Carm.....this was a good thing & it allowed us to sleep in a bit.
So this morning I was awakened by my dear KD calling & when she realized she woke us....she hung up on me !! {still love her though} so I got up & called her back ! Later on my brother & his family came down for lunch. {I cheated & bought Wawa hoagies & chips}. We had a very nice visit & some hearty laughs. As they were getting ready to leave my parents arrived.
We were having a lovely visit when my cousin Debbie Magee called & asked if we were going to be home? I told her yes & the surprise was that Kevin Bluzard was going to come suprise the girls with a visit on his Harley. So I left the front door open....so when he arrived they heard the rumble of the bike & ran to the door to see what the noise was- talk about two happy girls !! He brought Melissa with him & so we all had a nice visit.
But to make things even sweeter......he was wearing the special leather riding jacket that belonged to Carmen !!! My heart melts when I see him in this coat- he wears it well !!!!
He couldn't have known that many years ago- before children- my beloved Carmen took me for a nighttime Christmas ride on his motorcycle- the cold crisp air blowing on our faces......the silence of the night......and the freedom of the open road. As I got on the back of the bike.....the memory was so vivid !! As he took off & the road turns and twisted I felt the leather jacket & saw the flag on the back of the coat & my heart melted remembering that ride so long ago !!! As he reached an open part of the road he opened it up & I looked over his shoulder to feel that cold air & started crying......as we came back my heart calmed and we arrived home I gave him a hug to thank him for this most precious gift....a wonderful memory !!!
We came in & they said their goodbyes to us and my parents. We managed to sit down and eat dinner {nothing fancy.....alfredo penne & garlic bread} afterwards my mother was treated by the girls to a hand & foot massage. Meanwhile....my father & I worked on the puzzle left by our secret elf. {side note if anyone knows the elf....ask them to check their house......we are def missing a piece to the puzzle- aagghhh !!}
So now the fire is dying down......and the day is done......and we managed to get thru it all. Thank you for your prayers, calls & encouraging notes. Thank you once again to our secret elf.....you made the days approaching Christmas fun & gave us something to look forward to.
Thank you to some other folks who made sure that the girls knew they were being thought of & that others were thinking about Carmen & us today. I am truly blessed to have you in our lives and for this I will forever be grateful and I pray that the Lord blesses each & every one of you more than you can imagine because you have taken the time & energy to come alongside us during our journey without our Beloved Carmen {daddy}.
With a heart that is still sad....but SO full of love for you all......~Crystal <3 <3 <3 <3
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
12/23/11
Well here it is......almost Christmas and I am fighting with all my might to show the girls that we can get thru this !! I will admit- they've seen me cry a tiny bit & I reassure them this is normal but they've had their moments- Toni has had nightmares and Gianna is barely sleeping. As their mother I wish I could take away their pain & the fact that I can't hurts even more.
They are thinking of Carmen all the time......everytime they do something or if they see something that they would have gotten him for Christmas it is non stop. This is a good thing & a bad thing. I am happy they are able to do this......but sad that I hear & see their pain.
But we've also had our truly blessed times & so many people are making sure that they show us that they care and are here for us. And for this I will always been grateful !!!
This month we kept very busy....Gianna is on the swim team with twice a week meets & practice the other days !! And she also continues to help with her favorite little kindergartners whenever possible. Toni is also busy-she is on the cheerleading squad and just got the role she wanted (Pepper) in the school play Annie jr.
I too am keeping busy being mommy & taxi driver. At work I am fortunate to wear many hats- Family Engagement Liaison, Cafeteria aide and then I fill in wherever I'm needed.
So I am off........I won't be writing again until after Christmas. As you can imagine.....I am doing my best to make things normal for the girls while our hearts are breaking......we are having a hard time trying to do this. Thanksgiving was hard......but this week has been leading up to what feels like an impossible task.
We do wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !!
They are thinking of Carmen all the time......everytime they do something or if they see something that they would have gotten him for Christmas it is non stop. This is a good thing & a bad thing. I am happy they are able to do this......but sad that I hear & see their pain.
But we've also had our truly blessed times & so many people are making sure that they show us that they care and are here for us. And for this I will always been grateful !!!
This month we kept very busy....Gianna is on the swim team with twice a week meets & practice the other days !! And she also continues to help with her favorite little kindergartners whenever possible. Toni is also busy-she is on the cheerleading squad and just got the role she wanted (Pepper) in the school play Annie jr.
I too am keeping busy being mommy & taxi driver. At work I am fortunate to wear many hats- Family Engagement Liaison, Cafeteria aide and then I fill in wherever I'm needed.
So I am off........I won't be writing again until after Christmas. As you can imagine.....I am doing my best to make things normal for the girls while our hearts are breaking......we are having a hard time trying to do this. Thanksgiving was hard......but this week has been leading up to what feels like an impossible task.
We do wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
12/13/11
Let's see what has gone on since I've last written.....after Thanksgiving we went on a "mental health" trip !! I took the girls out of school and we headed down to FL. We went with my cousin Kim, her husband Robert and their son Alex. We also were able to visit and spend time with Ruthanne and Steve. And later in the trip we met up with my Uncle Bob and Aunt Sandy. We wanted to try to get together with my niece Lisa & her family.....but I misdialed her number & left a message for some unsuspecting person......and I was wondering all that time why she didn't return my call !! lol
We were able to go to all the Disney parks and see the sights and ride the rides. The girls had a terrific time.....I mostly did. There were times when I really wished Carmen was there with us and so did the girls but overall.....it was a truly good idea and I loved seeing them so happy.
We went back to work and school. But as Christmas is fast approaching.....I am finding that I truly just wish that these next few weeks were just done already. I am sooooo not in the mood to do any of it. And I just wish that we could take a snooze and when we awaken.....January would be here.
Well......that's all for now....nothing much more to add. I do hope that you all have a good Christmas !
We were able to go to all the Disney parks and see the sights and ride the rides. The girls had a terrific time.....I mostly did. There were times when I really wished Carmen was there with us and so did the girls but overall.....it was a truly good idea and I loved seeing them so happy.
We went back to work and school. But as Christmas is fast approaching.....I am finding that I truly just wish that these next few weeks were just done already. I am sooooo not in the mood to do any of it. And I just wish that we could take a snooze and when we awaken.....January would be here.
Well......that's all for now....nothing much more to add. I do hope that you all have a good Christmas !
Sunday, November 27, 2011
11/27/11
Hello Everyone.......update on us girls. The short version is that on one hand Thanksgiving was sad & flat and I didn't want to do it at all......but I knew I had to do it for the girls. So my cousin Kim invited us and my parents to her house. So we went and so on the other hand....doing things all together made it bearable. There were good moments & I am thankful for them.
Kim & Robert- worked so hard to make sure that things were just as if Carmen was there with us. Robert even toasted Carmen {yes he was there with us....sitting on the side board} and Alex was a great distraction and playmate for Toni.
After thanksgiving we were fortunate to be able to visit & spend some time with my sister in law (if she reads this....I'm not coming over until I make sure you are going to sit down & relax & not put me to work-lol !!) Then my cousin Brian, his wife Kirsten & kidlets came over & we had a wonderful time. We got some things done around here Sat morning....and then spent the rest of the day with my cousin Debbie, Chalie, Kevin, Melissa, new baby Maliya, Uncle John (Santa) and Rita...and we can't forget to mention Otis or the new harley !! :) Then today we spent time with my parents to celebrate his birthday !!!
Once again....I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to have my family & friends close by who love us and take care of us. Each in their own special way touches us & helps our hearts to heal !!
Love to you all !! I'm looking forward to a good week !!!
Kim & Robert- worked so hard to make sure that things were just as if Carmen was there with us. Robert even toasted Carmen {yes he was there with us....sitting on the side board} and Alex was a great distraction and playmate for Toni.
After thanksgiving we were fortunate to be able to visit & spend some time with my sister in law (if she reads this....I'm not coming over until I make sure you are going to sit down & relax & not put me to work-lol !!) Then my cousin Brian, his wife Kirsten & kidlets came over & we had a wonderful time. We got some things done around here Sat morning....and then spent the rest of the day with my cousin Debbie, Chalie, Kevin, Melissa, new baby Maliya, Uncle John (Santa) and Rita...and we can't forget to mention Otis or the new harley !! :) Then today we spent time with my parents to celebrate his birthday !!!
Once again....I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to have my family & friends close by who love us and take care of us. Each in their own special way touches us & helps our hearts to heal !!
Love to you all !! I'm looking forward to a good week !!!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
11/21/11
Well today was another one of those up & down days. Toni's class trip to Philly to see the Constitution center.....but they were so rushed that most kids were left wondering...."is that all?" When I got back to school our Family Crisis Therapist asked for my "help" in taking care of distributing Thanksgiving meals to some families.....I just wanted to help him.....and it was I who was blessed by the two women who came in !!
My heart is still so raw and broken......I so totally don't want to be bothered with the holidays.....and yet I feel every fiber of my being that my dear sweet man is with me and our girls. He is reminding me to be thankful to God for what we have.
I am thankful for ....family, friends & my coworkers- for without your love, hugs & support - the girls and I would not have gotten this far in our journey. You may think that your actions or words are small or unimportant......but I can assure you that none of it goes unnoticed or unappreciated.
Live your life without regrets.....let those around you know that you love them & give them the best gift you can offer..........yourself. Spend time with them, hug them, remind them that nothing is more important than spending time with them. Don't let anything come between you and them. Whatever petty things have occurred in the past......leave them there.....in the past. Forgive and move forward.
Thank you for being part of our lives- Thank you for your time- Thank you for just being there !!
May all of you have a truly Blessed & Happy Thanksgiving !!
Love from Me, Gi & Toni
My heart is still so raw and broken......I so totally don't want to be bothered with the holidays.....and yet I feel every fiber of my being that my dear sweet man is with me and our girls. He is reminding me to be thankful to God for what we have.
I am thankful for ....family, friends & my coworkers- for without your love, hugs & support - the girls and I would not have gotten this far in our journey. You may think that your actions or words are small or unimportant......but I can assure you that none of it goes unnoticed or unappreciated.
Live your life without regrets.....let those around you know that you love them & give them the best gift you can offer..........yourself. Spend time with them, hug them, remind them that nothing is more important than spending time with them. Don't let anything come between you and them. Whatever petty things have occurred in the past......leave them there.....in the past. Forgive and move forward.
Thank you for being part of our lives- Thank you for your time- Thank you for just being there !!
May all of you have a truly Blessed & Happy Thanksgiving !!
Love from Me, Gi & Toni
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
11/16/11
Thanksgiving is fast approaching......and I am really trying to get prepared for the holiday. On one hand I am indeed thankful for our dear daughters. They bring me such joy & happiness in so many ways. However I continually think about all that will never be without my beloved man.
I also am thankful for my family- my parents, my brother & his family, my sweet Kim & her family, those in Carmen's family that are in our lives, sweet Jen, my friends & my coworkers. All of them in their own way manage to interact with us in such a way that our pain is less while we are with them. None of you may ever realize that your time is worth more than gold. Thank you for this gift.
I am thankful for being able to be busy.... but find some relief in being able to sit down to relax.
Well my dear man......this is our first thanksgiving without you and my heart is heavy, I am broken hearted but not broken. I am thankful for all the years I had with you and I am thankful that you gave me the blessing of our two beautiful girls.
I never understood true numbness- but now I do- many days my broken heart feels nothing.....no joy ...no saddness.....just emptiness that your presence once filled. And yet other days.......that blessed numbness is no where to be found and the reality of our loss is overwhelming.
Everything I see I think of you.....past memories and now our lonely journey. Fall- the trees changed color- we used to hike thru the woods, the leaves have fallen- you & the girls would rake & blow the leaves into piles & then the look on your face when they would jump into the piles instead of picking them up.....and me standing there laughing at all of you & when you would pull me down into a pile and then the girls would be laughing and jump on you !! Thanksgiving- oh the smiles and joy on your face as the girls & I would start the shopping list, the groceries all over the place, the days of preparations. I see you always in the kitchen with a mischievous smile on your face.....as you would steal any & all food that us girls were making. Then.....the actual thanksgiving dinner......I will always remember & smile when I think of you at the head of the table.....presiding over family dinner. No matter who was here.....they were always family- always welcome- your smile & nod of satisfaction were my best reward for all the work. You would often ask me "if I minded" all the stuff you wanted....and I am so happy you knew that you were my greatest joy & cooking for you filled my heart with love.....You and only You were my reason for cooking- Yours was the only praise I needed !! Then the time we spent together as you would "pick the bird", how you would laugh as I told you this was "the man job & that you had better hop to it- if- you wanted your turkey boom bah the next day !!" {for anyone reading this.....it's actually turkey bombay- but Carm would say he loved how I made it & it was so good it was boom bah}.
Well enough memories for now......I am weary....and tired maybe if I go to bed I will fall asleep. Not that I rest properly.....when I lay my head down I think of you next to me.....I wish I could hear you breath and hear you talk- lol.....and yes even snore. When I finally fall asleep....I dream of you and wish that I didn't have to get up in the morning- because then reality once again is there to slap me in the face.
Good night my dear sweet man......I love you beyond words and my heart misses you beyond words. Please remind the Lord that your girls miss you and would like to understand his reason for this pain. And that although you are whole, healthy and happy that you would ask he heal our broken hearts and fill the hole that you have left. Love you Always & Forever !!
I also am thankful for my family- my parents, my brother & his family, my sweet Kim & her family, those in Carmen's family that are in our lives, sweet Jen, my friends & my coworkers. All of them in their own way manage to interact with us in such a way that our pain is less while we are with them. None of you may ever realize that your time is worth more than gold. Thank you for this gift.
I am thankful for being able to be busy.... but find some relief in being able to sit down to relax.
Well my dear man......this is our first thanksgiving without you and my heart is heavy, I am broken hearted but not broken. I am thankful for all the years I had with you and I am thankful that you gave me the blessing of our two beautiful girls.
I never understood true numbness- but now I do- many days my broken heart feels nothing.....no joy ...no saddness.....just emptiness that your presence once filled. And yet other days.......that blessed numbness is no where to be found and the reality of our loss is overwhelming.
Everything I see I think of you.....past memories and now our lonely journey. Fall- the trees changed color- we used to hike thru the woods, the leaves have fallen- you & the girls would rake & blow the leaves into piles & then the look on your face when they would jump into the piles instead of picking them up.....and me standing there laughing at all of you & when you would pull me down into a pile and then the girls would be laughing and jump on you !! Thanksgiving- oh the smiles and joy on your face as the girls & I would start the shopping list, the groceries all over the place, the days of preparations. I see you always in the kitchen with a mischievous smile on your face.....as you would steal any & all food that us girls were making. Then.....the actual thanksgiving dinner......I will always remember & smile when I think of you at the head of the table.....presiding over family dinner. No matter who was here.....they were always family- always welcome- your smile & nod of satisfaction were my best reward for all the work. You would often ask me "if I minded" all the stuff you wanted....and I am so happy you knew that you were my greatest joy & cooking for you filled my heart with love.....You and only You were my reason for cooking- Yours was the only praise I needed !! Then the time we spent together as you would "pick the bird", how you would laugh as I told you this was "the man job & that you had better hop to it- if- you wanted your turkey boom bah the next day !!" {for anyone reading this.....it's actually turkey bombay- but Carm would say he loved how I made it & it was so good it was boom bah}.
Well enough memories for now......I am weary....and tired maybe if I go to bed I will fall asleep. Not that I rest properly.....when I lay my head down I think of you next to me.....I wish I could hear you breath and hear you talk- lol.....and yes even snore. When I finally fall asleep....I dream of you and wish that I didn't have to get up in the morning- because then reality once again is there to slap me in the face.
Good night my dear sweet man......I love you beyond words and my heart misses you beyond words. Please remind the Lord that your girls miss you and would like to understand his reason for this pain. And that although you are whole, healthy and happy that you would ask he heal our broken hearts and fill the hole that you have left. Love you Always & Forever !!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
11/6/11
The girls and I are almost done the laundry......and I'm trying to relax. But my mind wanders in so many directions......this past week we attended a memorial service for my mother in law and today we went to a wedding. Both brought feelings to the forefront that I didn't necessarily want to feel.
At the wedding I was able to catch up with some old friends and it was good to be reminded that there are people who continue to hold us in their prayers and that think of us often. When one of them and I were talking- she asked the familiar question....."how are you doing"? I of course replied....."hanging in there & as well as can be expected"......I then added......"as long as I am in Mommy mode I can deal with life- reality only gets to sneak in instead of diving in". She then said..."that sounds like a title to a book" consider it !!
What a laugh !!! What the hell could I write that would interest anyone out there ?? I can barely blog !!! Oh well......at least it was odd enough to get my mind switching gears and off of my reality !! It is exhausting trying to function in day to day life when in my reality.....I would really just like to turn back time and be with my beloved man.
Sometimes--the blessed numbess wears off and realty comes running over and smacks me right up side my head and when it does......life and reality SUCKS !!!
I have a busy week ahead......and I'm still not sleeping very much......but a few hours is better than none I guess !!
At the wedding I was able to catch up with some old friends and it was good to be reminded that there are people who continue to hold us in their prayers and that think of us often. When one of them and I were talking- she asked the familiar question....."how are you doing"? I of course replied....."hanging in there & as well as can be expected"......I then added......"as long as I am in Mommy mode I can deal with life- reality only gets to sneak in instead of diving in". She then said..."that sounds like a title to a book" consider it !!
What a laugh !!! What the hell could I write that would interest anyone out there ?? I can barely blog !!! Oh well......at least it was odd enough to get my mind switching gears and off of my reality !! It is exhausting trying to function in day to day life when in my reality.....I would really just like to turn back time and be with my beloved man.
Sometimes--the blessed numbess wears off and realty comes running over and smacks me right up side my head and when it does......life and reality SUCKS !!!
I have a busy week ahead......and I'm still not sleeping very much......but a few hours is better than none I guess !!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
10/30/2011
I am having some more of those moments where I don't know what I am thinking or feeling. Tomorrow will be 16 weeks.....it seems both close and yet far away. It will be halloween......I didn't even bother to decorate or bother with carving the pumpkins....but if the girls noticed....or minded...they didn't say a thing.
The youngest is still excited about going out trick or treating......but I am so not into it. All I can think about it no fun scaring by Daddy.....no teasing about how heavy their bags are....so he will "help" them....but there will be a price.....a kiss, a hug and piece of candy !! Then before we would go home...he would check a few pieces of candy so they could munch ! As they got ready for bed.....we would go over their candy.....he always amazed me.....he would check each and every piece of candy.....anything and I mean anything that didn't look just right.....would go in the trash.
I would love nothing more than to go to the store, buy a ton of candy and say....here you go....all done do we have to actually go out now ?? But no.......not so lucky !!
To add to all this suckiness......the storm yesterday reminded me that winter is approaching and I get to face all that it brings.....alone. No more sharing the shoveling of snow, or waking up and thinking that I have to clean off my car.....since Carm went to work at 2-3 am.......and to my surprise {which I shouldn't have been} I would go outside to find the minivan all cleaned off and if I was lucky a note that would say........"I love you- love Carm" on my seat. No more being inside warm & toasty making the hot chocolate while he played with the girls out in the snow.
I guess all this pain means I am moving from the denial, numb stage to the angry- this freakin sucks stage !!
When I married Carmen.....I thought my heart was full of love, then I had our children and I was amazed that it could hold and give more love, then my beloved man was taken from me and now I wonder.....how much pain can a heart hold before it truly breaks ?
The youngest is still excited about going out trick or treating......but I am so not into it. All I can think about it no fun scaring by Daddy.....no teasing about how heavy their bags are....so he will "help" them....but there will be a price.....a kiss, a hug and piece of candy !! Then before we would go home...he would check a few pieces of candy so they could munch ! As they got ready for bed.....we would go over their candy.....he always amazed me.....he would check each and every piece of candy.....anything and I mean anything that didn't look just right.....would go in the trash.
I would love nothing more than to go to the store, buy a ton of candy and say....here you go....all done do we have to actually go out now ?? But no.......not so lucky !!
To add to all this suckiness......the storm yesterday reminded me that winter is approaching and I get to face all that it brings.....alone. No more sharing the shoveling of snow, or waking up and thinking that I have to clean off my car.....since Carm went to work at 2-3 am.......and to my surprise {which I shouldn't have been} I would go outside to find the minivan all cleaned off and if I was lucky a note that would say........"I love you- love Carm" on my seat. No more being inside warm & toasty making the hot chocolate while he played with the girls out in the snow.
I guess all this pain means I am moving from the denial, numb stage to the angry- this freakin sucks stage !!
When I married Carmen.....I thought my heart was full of love, then I had our children and I was amazed that it could hold and give more love, then my beloved man was taken from me and now I wonder.....how much pain can a heart hold before it truly breaks ?
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
10/19/11
Not sure why.....but what a restless night. So many thoughts of my beloved Carmen and the feelings that follow them. I long to have him walk thru the door and tell me he is sorry that he is getting home late and for making us worry. To hold me tight and tell me things that made me smile as only he can do. To have him tell me "we'll be fine" no matter what was going on. I ache to see him scoop up our daughters when they run to him as he comes home- hollering "daddy's home!!" To see the smile on his face as they did this......as he would drop whatever he had in his hands to hug them !!
My heart aches as I read things about families not supporting one another, I hear about children and elderly being abused, so many of our family and friends who don't have jobs- thru no fault of their own, and I think to myself......my dear sweet man would do whatever he could to help others and he would stand up for those who could not defend themselves....and yes.....Carmen could be abrasive or even harsh......but you knew......he was passionate !! And if he confronted you with something....it was only because he loved you.....otherwise he would even bother to talk to you ! =)
Our daughters continue to amaze me with all they do and are !! I see Carmen in them in so many things and I think to myself- I am glad that I see this so often. For others it may bring pain......but to me.....it is my beloved living on thru them. They are strong, caring, loving, passionate and honest- what more could a father want then for someone to see this in his children ?? As before......may we continue to make Carmen proud in all we do and honor him by our example.
My heart aches as I read things about families not supporting one another, I hear about children and elderly being abused, so many of our family and friends who don't have jobs- thru no fault of their own, and I think to myself......my dear sweet man would do whatever he could to help others and he would stand up for those who could not defend themselves....and yes.....Carmen could be abrasive or even harsh......but you knew......he was passionate !! And if he confronted you with something....it was only because he loved you.....otherwise he would even bother to talk to you ! =)
Our daughters continue to amaze me with all they do and are !! I see Carmen in them in so many things and I think to myself- I am glad that I see this so often. For others it may bring pain......but to me.....it is my beloved living on thru them. They are strong, caring, loving, passionate and honest- what more could a father want then for someone to see this in his children ?? As before......may we continue to make Carmen proud in all we do and honor him by our example.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
10-12-11 update
Hello Everyone !! Yesterday & today was bit more difficult than I thought. The eldest said that she still feels numb & tries not to think about things. The youngest said something similar. But she can't articulate as well.
I am trying to keep busy but there are times when annoying or simple things make me so very cranky,
So keep those prayers coming !!
Thanks - Crystal
I am trying to keep busy but there are times when annoying or simple things make me so very cranky,
So keep those prayers coming !!
Thanks - Crystal
Friday, October 7, 2011
10/7/11- almost 3 months.....
Rougher day than I thought. Last night the girls and I went thru Carmen's clothes. This was certainly amazing....the girls were thoughtful & as they saw shirts & ties- the memories they shared were totally mind blowing. I can't put into words how my heart felt seeing them fold the items and laugh and reflect on so many things. I thank the Lord that they have these memories & I pray that this thoughts and memories don't fade over time.
Some people are surprised that we've done this "already". But I'm not......the girls and I thought about what Carmen would have wanted....and we agreed that helping others is what he did & what he was about. He would certainly not want his clothes hanging around collecting dust and wasting away.
My dear man would always help others and the girls had said to me before "that they wanted Daddy's clothes to go somewhere that would help another Daddy to help his family by getting a good job, he would be able to get a good job because when the person doing the hiring would see the man in nice clothes and hire him & this would help the man's family."
So we took his things to Tabitha's. The girls asked Cindy why the store was named that? Her response was that there was a woman in the Bible that always made sure those in need had clothes. As we carried the bags, boxes and containers into the store I was so proud to see them gently place the items in a pile. They explained why they were there & how they hoped to help another daddy by this donation. Cindy thanked them for their generous donation and for taking the time to come all the way to personally do it. I took a few pictures for their scrapbook.
One day.....I wonder if they will look back at this and realize what a big step this was for them ?? I know they heard me say how proud I was of them- but once again they asked if I thought Daddy was proud of them? I told them......."Daddy was always proud of them.....but he is just beaming with pride & bragging to anyone close by that they are his daughters !!"
I also told them that as we continue on this journey he looks down at us with pride, joy and love !! He can see that we are living our lives as if he were right here with us- being the same caring, loving and brave girls !!
On the way home they told me that they are really feeling good about doing this & then asked what I thought ?? I was not totally forthcoming- I told them that I was happy that Daddy's clothes will help another father.... but what I did not share with them was the fact that my heart hurt to see the empty closet and drawers !! But I was not going to stand in their way of healing & I didn't want to make them feel bad for taking this big step.
As you think of us......continue to pray that we can continue to make Carmen proud by the way we live our lives !! Also pray that I have enough strength each day to meet the challenges that are to come !! Just like the girls.... I want to make my beloved man proud - so that one day when I see him again- he will hug me , hold me & smile !!!
Some people are surprised that we've done this "already". But I'm not......the girls and I thought about what Carmen would have wanted....and we agreed that helping others is what he did & what he was about. He would certainly not want his clothes hanging around collecting dust and wasting away.
My dear man would always help others and the girls had said to me before "that they wanted Daddy's clothes to go somewhere that would help another Daddy to help his family by getting a good job, he would be able to get a good job because when the person doing the hiring would see the man in nice clothes and hire him & this would help the man's family."
So we took his things to Tabitha's. The girls asked Cindy why the store was named that? Her response was that there was a woman in the Bible that always made sure those in need had clothes. As we carried the bags, boxes and containers into the store I was so proud to see them gently place the items in a pile. They explained why they were there & how they hoped to help another daddy by this donation. Cindy thanked them for their generous donation and for taking the time to come all the way to personally do it. I took a few pictures for their scrapbook.
One day.....I wonder if they will look back at this and realize what a big step this was for them ?? I know they heard me say how proud I was of them- but once again they asked if I thought Daddy was proud of them? I told them......."Daddy was always proud of them.....but he is just beaming with pride & bragging to anyone close by that they are his daughters !!"
I also told them that as we continue on this journey he looks down at us with pride, joy and love !! He can see that we are living our lives as if he were right here with us- being the same caring, loving and brave girls !!
On the way home they told me that they are really feeling good about doing this & then asked what I thought ?? I was not totally forthcoming- I told them that I was happy that Daddy's clothes will help another father.... but what I did not share with them was the fact that my heart hurt to see the empty closet and drawers !! But I was not going to stand in their way of healing & I didn't want to make them feel bad for taking this big step.
As you think of us......continue to pray that we can continue to make Carmen proud by the way we live our lives !! Also pray that I have enough strength each day to meet the challenges that are to come !! Just like the girls.... I want to make my beloved man proud - so that one day when I see him again- he will hug me , hold me & smile !!!
Monday, September 26, 2011
9/26/11
It has been awhile since I posted. The reason is simple- life is simply the same as it was when I last wrote. Of course there are happy times (my cousin's is about to be a Mom Mom: the baby shower for her son, another friend just became a Mimi to her first grandson, visits and time with those who love us & are still caring for us, places we've gone together) and many other things and activities that in the past I may have overlooked as a blessing. And there have still been the sad & hurting times (not only the pain & drain of being without Carm) but also getting back to living and surviving life. Hearing about other's heartaches and pain and wondering "how can I help them?"
I have come to cherish and value any & all time spent with my family and friends. In life we can so often get so busy that we forget to take the time to value this time. I can honestly say that other things can wait and that when I climb into bed and my mind wants to turn into a tornado of thoughts that the Lord has been gracious to remind me of his love, strength and of the many blessings of family and friends.
I know that so many of us have seen the saying, "be kind to each other because you never know what the other person is facing that day", BUT do we really ever think of that when dealing with each other?
The Lord has seen fit to allow me (& our girls) to travel forward on the journey of life without my Beloved Carmen. But he is giving me the strength to deal with each situation that comes. He is giving us comfort- both his own and that of those he has in our lives. He continues to give or allow certain challenges to come my way- some I have passed and other challenges I admit my failings, ask for forgiveness, strength and courage to try again. He also has presented me with opportunities to show how having him in our lives is the difference between giving up & going on.
Please continue with your prayers for myself, Gianna & Toni. You truly do not know how much those prayers are needed and coveted. When you send us emails, facebook messages, phone calls and snail mail they remind us that the Lord has many people upholding us before him throughout the day & even the night. Never underestimate the power of your prayers and reminders for us.
Thank you everyone for sharing in this journey with us.
I have come to cherish and value any & all time spent with my family and friends. In life we can so often get so busy that we forget to take the time to value this time. I can honestly say that other things can wait and that when I climb into bed and my mind wants to turn into a tornado of thoughts that the Lord has been gracious to remind me of his love, strength and of the many blessings of family and friends.
I know that so many of us have seen the saying, "be kind to each other because you never know what the other person is facing that day", BUT do we really ever think of that when dealing with each other?
The Lord has seen fit to allow me (& our girls) to travel forward on the journey of life without my Beloved Carmen. But he is giving me the strength to deal with each situation that comes. He is giving us comfort- both his own and that of those he has in our lives. He continues to give or allow certain challenges to come my way- some I have passed and other challenges I admit my failings, ask for forgiveness, strength and courage to try again. He also has presented me with opportunities to show how having him in our lives is the difference between giving up & going on.
Please continue with your prayers for myself, Gianna & Toni. You truly do not know how much those prayers are needed and coveted. When you send us emails, facebook messages, phone calls and snail mail they remind us that the Lord has many people upholding us before him throughout the day & even the night. Never underestimate the power of your prayers and reminders for us.
Thank you everyone for sharing in this journey with us.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
9/15/11 morning
Good Morning,
I write this morning with a happy heart to let you know that Gianna the past two nights has taken another big step in the grieving process. On Tuesday and last night she decided to sleep in her own bed !! On Tuesday she moved her pillow in her room and set her alarm early to shower before school- it was as we were preparing for bed that she told me. She said she didn't want to wake me up since she was getting up early. I told her that it was not a problem and I didn't mind hearing the alarm- but she insisted and so I assured her that her decision was fine with me.
Of course the Mama in me also reassured her that if for any reason she either needed or wanted to come back in my room that would be okay too. Her calm smile and reply "Oh I know Mom" !! How blessed my heart was to hear that she already knows AND remembers !!
Toni is still needing closer comfort. During the night she will frequently roll over to "feel" if I am there. She has always been an active octopus sleeper....but her need to make sure I am there makes me sad that she can't fully rest.
Both girls are adjusting to school and loving it....although they will lead you to believe otherwise !! They still have their up and down moments. They are both comfortable sharing with me and a few others that they are close with comments or memories of Carmen when the moment prompts. And this too is a great relief to me- I love when we are doing something and they say "Daddy loved doing this, or we should have gotten that for Daddy, or even ...do you think Dad would like this?? And I am able to reply with a smile or a laugh !!
Please continue your prayers for us.......we try to keep busy- yet not so busy that we can't catch our breath or continue on our journey. I myself stay busy with alot of things that a normal Mother would handle, along with my work at the school.
To some it may seem like I am not grieving....but their impression is none of my concern. I need to focus on our girls and make sure they are- loved, taken care of , reassured & comforted. My needs will always come second to them and I will deal with my reality in my own way.
Harsh and cruel reality have no problem creeping & even sometimes invading my personal thoughts and my heart. There are so many times that all the small things I crave with Carmen can overtake my mind......so I put them away for a time, pray for strength to get thru the moment and thank God for the assurance that I will see my Beloved Carmen one day !!
I am thankful daily for my family and friends who continue to support, love and comfort us. Without you we would have an even lonelier journey. When people ask how I am doing....I can say that I am holding on...and sometimes even say I'm doing ok. The reason is.....I really appreciate the prayers, the hugs, the small gestures of reminders that we are not alone and that we have people who care FOR AND ABOUT us.
I write this morning with a happy heart to let you know that Gianna the past two nights has taken another big step in the grieving process. On Tuesday and last night she decided to sleep in her own bed !! On Tuesday she moved her pillow in her room and set her alarm early to shower before school- it was as we were preparing for bed that she told me. She said she didn't want to wake me up since she was getting up early. I told her that it was not a problem and I didn't mind hearing the alarm- but she insisted and so I assured her that her decision was fine with me.
Of course the Mama in me also reassured her that if for any reason she either needed or wanted to come back in my room that would be okay too. Her calm smile and reply "Oh I know Mom" !! How blessed my heart was to hear that she already knows AND remembers !!
Toni is still needing closer comfort. During the night she will frequently roll over to "feel" if I am there. She has always been an active octopus sleeper....but her need to make sure I am there makes me sad that she can't fully rest.
Both girls are adjusting to school and loving it....although they will lead you to believe otherwise !! They still have their up and down moments. They are both comfortable sharing with me and a few others that they are close with comments or memories of Carmen when the moment prompts. And this too is a great relief to me- I love when we are doing something and they say "Daddy loved doing this, or we should have gotten that for Daddy, or even ...do you think Dad would like this?? And I am able to reply with a smile or a laugh !!
Please continue your prayers for us.......we try to keep busy- yet not so busy that we can't catch our breath or continue on our journey. I myself stay busy with alot of things that a normal Mother would handle, along with my work at the school.
To some it may seem like I am not grieving....but their impression is none of my concern. I need to focus on our girls and make sure they are- loved, taken care of , reassured & comforted. My needs will always come second to them and I will deal with my reality in my own way.
Harsh and cruel reality have no problem creeping & even sometimes invading my personal thoughts and my heart. There are so many times that all the small things I crave with Carmen can overtake my mind......so I put them away for a time, pray for strength to get thru the moment and thank God for the assurance that I will see my Beloved Carmen one day !!
I am thankful daily for my family and friends who continue to support, love and comfort us. Without you we would have an even lonelier journey. When people ask how I am doing....I can say that I am holding on...and sometimes even say I'm doing ok. The reason is.....I really appreciate the prayers, the hugs, the small gestures of reminders that we are not alone and that we have people who care FOR AND ABOUT us.
Friday, September 9, 2011
9/9/11
I'm afraid that I am going to be brief.....just not feeling it today. It's been 8 weeks if you count monday to monday....but if you count the way the girls are counting...then sunday will be two months.
All I can say is that we are taking it day by day....sometimes moment to moment. We've had a roller coaster of emotions and sometimes I really want to just sit down and say to the Lord...."why?" And I really would like an answer.
But then my head tells my heart....this isn't what the Lord or Carmen would want and I get my butt up & get moving again.
This week- with school starting and some other very distressing things I am glad that it is the weekend and that thankfully we've got a semi busy schedule of events- it includes- church, nursery, a baby shower and the Women of Faith conference.
A BIG thank you to my friends that have seen us thru another week & have managed to even make me smile !!
This weekend reflect on what is really important in your life and then be thankful for THEM !!! Yes....I was referring to your family and friends not your stuff.
All I can say is that we are taking it day by day....sometimes moment to moment. We've had a roller coaster of emotions and sometimes I really want to just sit down and say to the Lord...."why?" And I really would like an answer.
But then my head tells my heart....this isn't what the Lord or Carmen would want and I get my butt up & get moving again.
This week- with school starting and some other very distressing things I am glad that it is the weekend and that thankfully we've got a semi busy schedule of events- it includes- church, nursery, a baby shower and the Women of Faith conference.
A BIG thank you to my friends that have seen us thru another week & have managed to even make me smile !!
This weekend reflect on what is really important in your life and then be thankful for THEM !!! Yes....I was referring to your family and friends not your stuff.
Monday, September 5, 2011
9/5/11
8 weeks today. The girls aren't counting the same way that I do....I knew this before....but then when they heard about some 9/11/11 memorials planned....they commented that this time this will be really hard- they will be thinking about all the people who died on 9/11 and that it will be 2 months since Daddy died on the same day.
I'm thinking Carmen would have been very proud of me this weekend. I made the decision to take a trip to the Jersey shore. This was our first trip so far from home without my beloved man !! Of course about 2/3 of the way down there....I heard two songs....and I started crying. It was a few minutes before the girls realized and when they did ...they were concerned. I told them....it's ok....we're going to have times like this !! But then I also told them....the reason I was crying was that Carmen would sing those songs to me & it hurt my heart something fierce....but that it also brought a good memory and for that I am very thankful !!
How do I explain to them....that although my heart breaks over & over daily.....it is the good memories that hold it together? And that since I have both the memories and both of them that Carmen will never be gone ??
This week will also be so hard.........the first week of school was hectic....but this week will get them into a routine & I would normally call Carmen and we would get to talk for a long time each morning. Now after I get them off to school I will have a block of time here alone before I need to head into work. I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS AT ALL !!!!
If you would continue to keep us in your prayers.....and if you think of it & you want to email me - please feel free.
Thanks everyone !!
I'm thinking Carmen would have been very proud of me this weekend. I made the decision to take a trip to the Jersey shore. This was our first trip so far from home without my beloved man !! Of course about 2/3 of the way down there....I heard two songs....and I started crying. It was a few minutes before the girls realized and when they did ...they were concerned. I told them....it's ok....we're going to have times like this !! But then I also told them....the reason I was crying was that Carmen would sing those songs to me & it hurt my heart something fierce....but that it also brought a good memory and for that I am very thankful !!
How do I explain to them....that although my heart breaks over & over daily.....it is the good memories that hold it together? And that since I have both the memories and both of them that Carmen will never be gone ??
This week will also be so hard.........the first week of school was hectic....but this week will get them into a routine & I would normally call Carmen and we would get to talk for a long time each morning. Now after I get them off to school I will have a block of time here alone before I need to head into work. I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS AT ALL !!!!
If you would continue to keep us in your prayers.....and if you think of it & you want to email me - please feel free.
Thanks everyone !!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
8/31/11
Seven & a half weeks without my Carmen. Time is weird....it stops, then moves slowly...yet.....goes by so quickly !! Today was Gianna's first day & for Toni & I our second day. All of us had some moments today and thankfully I have coworkers who understand that I need some extra words of encouragement and hugs !! {if you are reading this...thank you !!}
So many times I've thought...I need to call Carm & tell him something....it is then I realize that he is not here & oh does my heart hurt !! Never to hear his voice again....or to hear his laugh & to have that special greeting when we would see each other. I miss the part where the girls would run hollering ...."Daddy's home !!" and jump into his arms & hug him....Carm would then say....alright....let me hug your mother.....pull me close & let me {& sometimes the girls} that I was his first and favorite girl !!
Today.....I was going to be a tiny bit later than I first anticipated....and my first thought ?? Let me call Carmen & tell him not to worry. When does that part stop being the first thought ?? Damn my heart hurts & I just want to snuggle close to him !!
Our dear girls had sad moments today too & thankfully- Toni can just come see me....but dear Gianna had to suffice with a call. I told her....if she needed me....I would stop what I was doing and come right to her !!! My brave girl said....no...it's ok Mama....I'll talk to you later !! The three of us hugged tightly when we were together again...and although none of us said it out loud.....I know we were thinking....."wish Daddy was here !!"
I'm exhausted.....girls are tired.....and so we are cleaning up a bit....and going to bed !! Goodnight all !!
So many times I've thought...I need to call Carm & tell him something....it is then I realize that he is not here & oh does my heart hurt !! Never to hear his voice again....or to hear his laugh & to have that special greeting when we would see each other. I miss the part where the girls would run hollering ...."Daddy's home !!" and jump into his arms & hug him....Carm would then say....alright....let me hug your mother.....pull me close & let me {& sometimes the girls} that I was his first and favorite girl !!
Today.....I was going to be a tiny bit later than I first anticipated....and my first thought ?? Let me call Carmen & tell him not to worry. When does that part stop being the first thought ?? Damn my heart hurts & I just want to snuggle close to him !!
Our dear girls had sad moments today too & thankfully- Toni can just come see me....but dear Gianna had to suffice with a call. I told her....if she needed me....I would stop what I was doing and come right to her !!! My brave girl said....no...it's ok Mama....I'll talk to you later !! The three of us hugged tightly when we were together again...and although none of us said it out loud.....I know we were thinking....."wish Daddy was here !!"
I'm exhausted.....girls are tired.....and so we are cleaning up a bit....and going to bed !! Goodnight all !!
Monday, August 29, 2011
8/29/11
Well officially summer is over for us- school starts tomorrow. :(
I can tell you that I am less than thrilled.....we were cheated out of so much when we lost Carmen....and the rest of summer was just a minor part of that. We didn't get to do any of the things we planned to do !! And now with the start of school it means that winter is just around the corner & frankly....I hate the cold !!
I would tolerate it for Carm & Toni. They love to be outside while Gianna & I would rather be inside but being the "good wife & mommy" I would have the dry warm clothes ready, along with the hot chocolate & homemade goodies !!
I just have no desire to be in the kitchen.....I could care less if I ever bake or cook anything again....but I know that the girls miss it all & so at some point I will have to pull it together & start it again.
As you think of us.....please say a prayer....that we have enough courage & strength for that moment or day. As time goes by I just pray that we grow closer & stronger. As I told the girls...."I can't be both Daddy & Mommy & I can't replace him...so I am just going to try to be the best Mommy I can & I hope that you will forgive me my screw ups & still love me!!"
Hectic week but next week will be more upsetting.....as the girls will go off to school before I have to be in to work....so there will be time that I have alone here & not having Carmen to talk to will be the worse part. Reality again rears it's ugly head & the heart knows it's coming :( Good night all !!
I can tell you that I am less than thrilled.....we were cheated out of so much when we lost Carmen....and the rest of summer was just a minor part of that. We didn't get to do any of the things we planned to do !! And now with the start of school it means that winter is just around the corner & frankly....I hate the cold !!
I would tolerate it for Carm & Toni. They love to be outside while Gianna & I would rather be inside but being the "good wife & mommy" I would have the dry warm clothes ready, along with the hot chocolate & homemade goodies !!
I just have no desire to be in the kitchen.....I could care less if I ever bake or cook anything again....but I know that the girls miss it all & so at some point I will have to pull it together & start it again.
As you think of us.....please say a prayer....that we have enough courage & strength for that moment or day. As time goes by I just pray that we grow closer & stronger. As I told the girls...."I can't be both Daddy & Mommy & I can't replace him...so I am just going to try to be the best Mommy I can & I hope that you will forgive me my screw ups & still love me!!"
Hectic week but next week will be more upsetting.....as the girls will go off to school before I have to be in to work....so there will be time that I have alone here & not having Carmen to talk to will be the worse part. Reality again rears it's ugly head & the heart knows it's coming :( Good night all !!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
8/28/11
Last night & today has ended with not much excitement !! I can tell you I am happy for no issues or worries. We were very fortunate- we had some friends check on us & for that I am very thankful !! THANK YOU !!
Today we cleaned up a bit, took a small walk in the wind & then managed to take a nap. Amazing how some restful sleep helps you face the day.
A big step today for Gianna- she was able to take her memory box out of it's wrapping and put Carmen in a special spot. I am so proud of her !!
Tomorrow we have some things to do & get ready for school- this is both an exciting yet sad day. Yet another first without our dear man....but I think we are ready !!
Today we cleaned up a bit, took a small walk in the wind & then managed to take a nap. Amazing how some restful sleep helps you face the day.
A big step today for Gianna- she was able to take her memory box out of it's wrapping and put Carmen in a special spot. I am so proud of her !!
Tomorrow we have some things to do & get ready for school- this is both an exciting yet sad day. Yet another first without our dear man....but I think we are ready !!
8/28/11
Well we survived the night. Early in the storm the basement took on water. It was literally pouring in !! We were down the basement because of the tornado warning & here it came. Immediately I jump into triage mode- get this under control so that the girls & my parents don't have to spend the night down here wet. After getting it under control with the shop vac & my dad sweeping water towards the drain- I put on Carmen's rain gear & went outside to use the bags of garden dirt to "sandbag" the one basement window that was taking on water.
All I can say is my beloved was still here with me....sending me his thoughts (instructions). I have all kinds of things ready so that when the power goes out...I was going to be ready. BUT......I did have a moment when everyone was sleeping & I was sitting at the computer that all I could think of was......I really miss Carmen & I want him here !!!!!! I want his reassurance that he's on top of it all & I could just take a breath & rest easy- he's got it under control !!
Thankfully two people {they know who they are} chatted with me via messages & then they said the heck with typing & called !! They gave me their love, reassurance, reminders and even complaints & told me it was ok to lean on them- that they are here for us. That was all I needed for the moment & got my resolve back.
I did go finally try to lay down for a bit......and that was so hard- but I said "ok Lord.....you took my Carmen- so it's up to you to keep our girls & me safe- he's not here to give me what I need with all this mess- so protect us from harm & if possible all our stuff.....yes our stuff....right now....it's important to us too."
I'm used to going on no sleep.....so this wasn't any different...but I really would like a night when I'm able to just rest & not worry or think about anything.
All I can say is my beloved was still here with me....sending me his thoughts (instructions). I have all kinds of things ready so that when the power goes out...I was going to be ready. BUT......I did have a moment when everyone was sleeping & I was sitting at the computer that all I could think of was......I really miss Carmen & I want him here !!!!!! I want his reassurance that he's on top of it all & I could just take a breath & rest easy- he's got it under control !!
Thankfully two people {they know who they are} chatted with me via messages & then they said the heck with typing & called !! They gave me their love, reassurance, reminders and even complaints & told me it was ok to lean on them- that they are here for us. That was all I needed for the moment & got my resolve back.
I did go finally try to lay down for a bit......and that was so hard- but I said "ok Lord.....you took my Carmen- so it's up to you to keep our girls & me safe- he's not here to give me what I need with all this mess- so protect us from harm & if possible all our stuff.....yes our stuff....right now....it's important to us too."
I'm used to going on no sleep.....so this wasn't any different...but I really would like a night when I'm able to just rest & not worry or think about anything.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
8/25/11
Good Evening everyone.....right now I have so many thoughts and yet no organization to any of them. Time has escaped & I really wish we could capture it and get it back. We've had an up & down week. I had to do more paperwork for all of this mess & for some reason...I still can't think about all this. So to be safe I asked Mom to come with me. It took 1 1/2 hours to get it all done. Then on Wed- Mom had her surgery. I ended up asking Pop if we could bring her down here to our house to recoup. He understood that us girls needed to be the ones to take care of Mom & he let us whisk her away. With the impending hurricane...we asked him to bring his stuff down & join us here for a few days. Again....he was kind enough to do so !!
Today we were brought dinner by a new friend from BBC and she stayed for dinner & conversation. The conversation & laughter that followed was what we all needed !! I am glad the Lord has told some of you to make sure that you stay for a bit & to share your time with us !! Your time and love has been a great comfort to our hurting hearts !!!
Later Mom wasn't doing so good & got a bit sick & has a splitting headache...but now seems to be resting. So I am hoping & praying for a restful night for all of us.
This weekend looks as if it will be a challenge with the impending hurricane- so I am seriously praying that it will go off shore & not be as bad as they are calling for here. Then next week we are preparing to start back to school. Lots of appts and meetings but we are trying to muster up our courage to face all this !!
Thank you for your thoughts & prayers & support.....keep them coming !!
Much Love and appreciation !!!
Crystal
Today we were brought dinner by a new friend from BBC and she stayed for dinner & conversation. The conversation & laughter that followed was what we all needed !! I am glad the Lord has told some of you to make sure that you stay for a bit & to share your time with us !! Your time and love has been a great comfort to our hurting hearts !!!
Later Mom wasn't doing so good & got a bit sick & has a splitting headache...but now seems to be resting. So I am hoping & praying for a restful night for all of us.
This weekend looks as if it will be a challenge with the impending hurricane- so I am seriously praying that it will go off shore & not be as bad as they are calling for here. Then next week we are preparing to start back to school. Lots of appts and meetings but we are trying to muster up our courage to face all this !!
Thank you for your thoughts & prayers & support.....keep them coming !!
Much Love and appreciation !!!
Crystal
Sunday, August 21, 2011
8/21/11
Sat down to add to the ever growing "to do list" and realized {once again} that time is going by so quickly !! Where does it go & how do I get it back !! We have a busy week ahead....and yet it is the last week before school starts !! :(
I am so not ready for school to start. Neither are the girls !! But alas.....time goes on even if we don't want it to.
These past few weeks have seemed endless and yet have gone by so quickly. These days I'm not sure what I am feeling. I do know that I am doing my best & that when I am taking care of the girls I feel like I am doing something normal. So often I think of so many times, places & things that I either want Carmen with us or want to call him to tell him something.
Just this morning....I almost forgot my cell phone....I panicked and ran back to go get it "in case Carmen" needed to reach me. After I retrieved it....I stopped in my tracks as it dawned on me that I had the girls with me & that not only would Carmen not need to reach me but that no one would else would need to reach me on a Sunday morning.
The moment of pain struck and yet I got back out to the minivan, got in & headed out to church. I was supposed to have nursery duty today & I always look forward to the time with the babies. I get the babies up to a year old. Even when crying or fussy they are always a joy to take care of & today....I was cheated. Combined services so no one brought their babies that early.
So afterwards we left to come home- the girls are still so tired that after we got home....Gianna crashed on the sofa & Toni zonked in the recliner snuggled up to me. As I sat there listening to them both breathe so softly all I could do was think about how much we are going to miss out on without Carmen & how much he will miss by not being here. I tried to browse around the channels & we used to like to watch Extreme makeover home edition....today's episode....the family was getting a new house.....reason being ?? Two tragedies.......weather & then their father & eldest boy drown together !!! I quickly found some other channel to watch- but I am seriously considering not watching the news and lots of other channels !!
Well....once again...the girls and I will try to tackle some things off this list. Wish us well in getting it all done ! And getting ready for school.
I am so not ready for school to start. Neither are the girls !! But alas.....time goes on even if we don't want it to.
These past few weeks have seemed endless and yet have gone by so quickly. These days I'm not sure what I am feeling. I do know that I am doing my best & that when I am taking care of the girls I feel like I am doing something normal. So often I think of so many times, places & things that I either want Carmen with us or want to call him to tell him something.
Just this morning....I almost forgot my cell phone....I panicked and ran back to go get it "in case Carmen" needed to reach me. After I retrieved it....I stopped in my tracks as it dawned on me that I had the girls with me & that not only would Carmen not need to reach me but that no one would else would need to reach me on a Sunday morning.
The moment of pain struck and yet I got back out to the minivan, got in & headed out to church. I was supposed to have nursery duty today & I always look forward to the time with the babies. I get the babies up to a year old. Even when crying or fussy they are always a joy to take care of & today....I was cheated. Combined services so no one brought their babies that early.
So afterwards we left to come home- the girls are still so tired that after we got home....Gianna crashed on the sofa & Toni zonked in the recliner snuggled up to me. As I sat there listening to them both breathe so softly all I could do was think about how much we are going to miss out on without Carmen & how much he will miss by not being here. I tried to browse around the channels & we used to like to watch Extreme makeover home edition....today's episode....the family was getting a new house.....reason being ?? Two tragedies.......weather & then their father & eldest boy drown together !!! I quickly found some other channel to watch- but I am seriously considering not watching the news and lots of other channels !!
Well....once again...the girls and I will try to tackle some things off this list. Wish us well in getting it all done ! And getting ready for school.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
8/20/11
Last night the girls and I ventured out for the first time at night. We were invited by a friend to her Tastefully Simple party. Although I was quite anxious...it was all good. Gianna & I enjoyed the tasting of foods & Toni had fun with Chrissie's son Nick.
As I write this....I am also dealing with the normal things that aren't normal anymore. The girls wanted to toast bagels & since the bagels were in the refrigerator, when they went to split the bagel it broke and then they got upset that they couldn't "toast" the bagel because it broke. I did raise my voice & said..."are you serious- you are getting upset over a broken bagel ? Just stick it in the toaster & I will show you how to get it out if there is a problem !"
They just looked at me funny- so I softened the tone & said...come on girls...this isn't anything to worry over- let's figure it out & just enjoy your bagels- they toasted them & chatted about the melty butter.
I have to say......this past week there are SO many times I wish I could have Carmen back with us !! Not understanding why God had to take him away from us....we aren't finished with him yet & all the small things that go with it. I see couples smooch, the gentle touch or the look between a husband & wife & it reminds me that this will never happen again with my dear man. And when I see a couple that doesn't do this....I want to go over & remind them that life is too unpredictable and nothing is certain....so they should hug, kiss, hold hands and love each other a thousand times more than before.
The girls have had dreams about Carm & when they tell me about them....it just hurts my heart. Not that all their thoughts & dreams are bad- but seeing their pain in missing him makes me hurt. The mother in me wants so much to take away their pain & to make this all better.
Oh well.....enough of this for now....I've got alot to do today & sitting here isn't getting it done.
As I write this....I am also dealing with the normal things that aren't normal anymore. The girls wanted to toast bagels & since the bagels were in the refrigerator, when they went to split the bagel it broke and then they got upset that they couldn't "toast" the bagel because it broke. I did raise my voice & said..."are you serious- you are getting upset over a broken bagel ? Just stick it in the toaster & I will show you how to get it out if there is a problem !"
They just looked at me funny- so I softened the tone & said...come on girls...this isn't anything to worry over- let's figure it out & just enjoy your bagels- they toasted them & chatted about the melty butter.
I have to say......this past week there are SO many times I wish I could have Carmen back with us !! Not understanding why God had to take him away from us....we aren't finished with him yet & all the small things that go with it. I see couples smooch, the gentle touch or the look between a husband & wife & it reminds me that this will never happen again with my dear man. And when I see a couple that doesn't do this....I want to go over & remind them that life is too unpredictable and nothing is certain....so they should hug, kiss, hold hands and love each other a thousand times more than before.
The girls have had dreams about Carm & when they tell me about them....it just hurts my heart. Not that all their thoughts & dreams are bad- but seeing their pain in missing him makes me hurt. The mother in me wants so much to take away their pain & to make this all better.
Oh well.....enough of this for now....I've got alot to do today & sitting here isn't getting it done.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
8/17/11
Time is always against us. There is not much time before school starts and normally I would have been done everything last month. I now find myself running out of time to get things done before school starts. My normally organized self is still missing but I find that most times I don't really care. Other times I panic....thinking...what the heck am I doing? I need to get all this done.
I need to once again thank you all.....evenings are indeed difficult. I still find that I don't like to be out & about much- I prefer to be here & in the safety of the house. We've had visitors and even laughter during the times that you come here. I also know for some of you- coming here must have been hard too- knowing that in the past when you've come, Carmen was here to greet, tease and laugh with you and yet you know I'm not ready to go out in the evenings...so you come to us.
I've been very grateful for the way my friends have included us in their lives but especially how some have totally understood that the girls and I are not ready to do alot separately so they invite or permit the three of us to attend something as a group. We are looking forward to friday night's invite !!
I did have my follow up appt with my new doctor and she was indeed wonderful in so many ways. The Lord definitely had his hand in leading me to her. Even the girls liked her and the way she talked with them also. She didn't rush us & at one point sat back in her chair and crossed her legs as if to get comfortable while talking to us.
The girls still are totally different in how they are handling things on a day to day basis. I struggle with how to handle each one of them where they are and how to do it in the most loving way yet still be mommy. They are both still sleeping with me and I have to admit.....as much as I may get bumped and thumped during the night- they are as much comfort to me and I must be to them.
Off we go to get all our daily stuff done .....talk to everyone again later.
I need to once again thank you all.....evenings are indeed difficult. I still find that I don't like to be out & about much- I prefer to be here & in the safety of the house. We've had visitors and even laughter during the times that you come here. I also know for some of you- coming here must have been hard too- knowing that in the past when you've come, Carmen was here to greet, tease and laugh with you and yet you know I'm not ready to go out in the evenings...so you come to us.
I've been very grateful for the way my friends have included us in their lives but especially how some have totally understood that the girls and I are not ready to do alot separately so they invite or permit the three of us to attend something as a group. We are looking forward to friday night's invite !!
I did have my follow up appt with my new doctor and she was indeed wonderful in so many ways. The Lord definitely had his hand in leading me to her. Even the girls liked her and the way she talked with them also. She didn't rush us & at one point sat back in her chair and crossed her legs as if to get comfortable while talking to us.
The girls still are totally different in how they are handling things on a day to day basis. I struggle with how to handle each one of them where they are and how to do it in the most loving way yet still be mommy. They are both still sleeping with me and I have to admit.....as much as I may get bumped and thumped during the night- they are as much comfort to me and I must be to them.
Off we go to get all our daily stuff done .....talk to everyone again later.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
8/14/11
Hello all- I will start by telling you that I had a decent day yesterday. Even though it rained it was good. My brother and nephew Matt came down to tackle a project for me & even though it took longer than expected it still got done. Couple of small things to polish it off but no worries. During the day- it was a joy to hear laughter & see the smiles. Matt had a water fight with Toni and it included: hoses, water guns, umbrellas and vehicles- they got soaked but the laughs & shrieks made my heavy heart happy. After the project- I was a bit apprehensive....Al took on Carmen's bbq duties. I really was not sure how I was going to feel- since for 24 years....he never let anyone man the grill. Carmen always made sure everyone had what they wanted & how they wanted it. And we had bbq'd the day before he died. BUT it was all good- Al made everything tasty & it was ok. Seeing him smile at the grill & teasing about how Carmen knew his grill & he didn't & had to make a few extra dogs since a few got well done was funny. After dinner my Pop made funnel cakes for us all- he hasn't done that in quite some time so it was also good to see the kids just eating them up & crowding around him in the kitchen.
Last night- Gianna had gotten sick during the night- so we just stayed home today. We were going to do some cleaning and laundry but so far we've just been lazy. The rain has a way of doing that to us. But just resting can be good too. Hope to have an uneventful night's sleep tonight. We've got some things to do & some appts this week but hoping for a good week.
THANK YOU all again for your support, love, calls and meals. I can not tell you how appreciative the girls and I are for you. We truly could not have gotten thru this first month without you all. I truly thank God for such a loving family AND such dear friends that care enough about us to hold us together and to let us know that even though we've been thru something horrible that we have people who love us.
Last night- Gianna had gotten sick during the night- so we just stayed home today. We were going to do some cleaning and laundry but so far we've just been lazy. The rain has a way of doing that to us. But just resting can be good too. Hope to have an uneventful night's sleep tonight. We've got some things to do & some appts this week but hoping for a good week.
THANK YOU all again for your support, love, calls and meals. I can not tell you how appreciative the girls and I are for you. We truly could not have gotten thru this first month without you all. I truly thank God for such a loving family AND such dear friends that care enough about us to hold us together and to let us know that even though we've been thru something horrible that we have people who love us.
Friday, August 12, 2011
8/12/11
The rest of the day went ok. We were brought a yummy meal last night & we actually all ate. Mine still didn't settle but that's ok this too shall eventually pass. Gianna is still having some minor pain but is managing with Ibuprofen & ice packs. She has an appt this morning to talk to someone about how she is feeling- so we'll see how that goes. After that I have an appt & some errands to run. We will be trying to go out next week & get prepared for back to school. I don't want summer to be over just yet.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
8/11/11- update and the 1 month mark
The girls and I count days differently.....for me- monday was a month since Carmen's death. For the girls- today is the month mark. It has been so hard to even think about it or to do anything but deal with the girls and just getting thru a day. Time is passing & people are getting on with their lives and yet I feel as though time has stopped. This month has been so very long and tiring and yet it seems as though it was just last week that we were in each other's arms having a good time.
The girls are still handling this so vastly differently and it is a challenge to know what to say to each of them. My heart is still so broken, empty and hurting that I am still not sleeping or eating properly.
Today Toni took a big step & unpacked her box and placed "Doddy" on her table. We picked out a picture of her and Carmen from this past Christmas out back. She lovingly placed him on her table and said I am glad he is here at home. Right now she is enjoying watching Taz & telling me that her & Doddy love this cartoon.
That is all for now....I will probably be back on later.
The girls are still handling this so vastly differently and it is a challenge to know what to say to each of them. My heart is still so broken, empty and hurting that I am still not sleeping or eating properly.
Today Toni took a big step & unpacked her box and placed "Doddy" on her table. We picked out a picture of her and Carmen from this past Christmas out back. She lovingly placed him on her table and said I am glad he is here at home. Right now she is enjoying watching Taz & telling me that her & Doddy love this cartoon.
That is all for now....I will probably be back on later.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
8/10/11
Today was tiring !! I had to take Gianna to AI for surgery on her eyes. Originally this surgery was scheduled for 7/13 and of course that was not the case. She wanted the surgery rescheduled before school starts because she doesn't want to miss any schoolwork. I did make sure that the staff knew ahead of time what had happened with Carmen & that Gianna was quite anxious. Needless to say...so was I !! They made sure that I was in the recovery room before she awoke. After this past month it was hard to see her laying in the bed- with her eyes puffy & a touch bloody and not be able to touch her or hold her right away. I had the urge to just take her in my arms and then "make" her wake up. But the Lord quieted my heart and I was able to sit there and hold her hand quietly.
As she awoke she immediately asked if I was there. I leaned down and reassured her and kissed her head. She was in alot of pain and it was hard to get her to try to relax. They ended up having to give her 3 doses of morphine to help her pain. They put an ice bag back on her eyes and I sat there rubbing her head and hand, quietly talking to her and she finally was able to sleep.
After awhile they said that Mom could come in the back with us and a nurse went and got her. I'm glad that she came with me and that I have a gf who offered to take Toni so that she didn't have to sit around the hospital & I could concentrate on Gianna. I know that people can't read minds but apparently both Mom & Jen know that I have an extrememly hard time asking for help and just make sure to be there for us.
More and more reality is creeping in and my mind races in many directions. So if you would....please keep us in the forefront of your prayers. They are appreciated beyond measure.
As she awoke she immediately asked if I was there. I leaned down and reassured her and kissed her head. She was in alot of pain and it was hard to get her to try to relax. They ended up having to give her 3 doses of morphine to help her pain. They put an ice bag back on her eyes and I sat there rubbing her head and hand, quietly talking to her and she finally was able to sleep.
After awhile they said that Mom could come in the back with us and a nurse went and got her. I'm glad that she came with me and that I have a gf who offered to take Toni so that she didn't have to sit around the hospital & I could concentrate on Gianna. I know that people can't read minds but apparently both Mom & Jen know that I have an extrememly hard time asking for help and just make sure to be there for us.
More and more reality is creeping in and my mind races in many directions. So if you would....please keep us in the forefront of your prayers. They are appreciated beyond measure.
Monday, August 8, 2011
8/8/11- bringing Carmen home
Well.....today was harder than I thought. We brought Carmen home today. I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't fully understand that along with bringing him home it was going to be bringing more reality with it. The girls continue to handle all this differently and I struggle with how to best help each of them.
I've told many of you that what I need is to help them make their pain go away. For me...seeing our dear daughters struggle and seeing their pain makes my heart hurt all the more. How is it that people can't understand that when a mother sees her children in pain that it rips her heart out ?? I can't even begin to think about myself & how to make my pain better when my babies are hurting.
We met with two grief counselors today and I'm not sure how I feel about the time spent with them. But then again I don't know how I feel about anything. We have a busy week with Gi's surgery & appts and then there is only two weeks left of summer before school starts. So one thing I do know is that is annoying. I feel cheated on so many other aspects of life right now & now I feel that summer is gone too quickly. Even the girls have said that they've not even been to the shore yet this summer.
Just a side note......I know that some of you may be following in the shadows......and I don't mind.....but if at anytime you want to make comments on what I am writing.....it is ok- I don't mind. If what you are saying is from your heart then I will at least read what you say.
I've told many of you that what I need is to help them make their pain go away. For me...seeing our dear daughters struggle and seeing their pain makes my heart hurt all the more. How is it that people can't understand that when a mother sees her children in pain that it rips her heart out ?? I can't even begin to think about myself & how to make my pain better when my babies are hurting.
We met with two grief counselors today and I'm not sure how I feel about the time spent with them. But then again I don't know how I feel about anything. We have a busy week with Gi's surgery & appts and then there is only two weeks left of summer before school starts. So one thing I do know is that is annoying. I feel cheated on so many other aspects of life right now & now I feel that summer is gone too quickly. Even the girls have said that they've not even been to the shore yet this summer.
Just a side note......I know that some of you may be following in the shadows......and I don't mind.....but if at anytime you want to make comments on what I am writing.....it is ok- I don't mind. If what you are saying is from your heart then I will at least read what you say.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
8/7/11
We had a good night & then got up & went to church today. It was a bit odd but good. It was nice to be able to let people know that we appreciate all the thoughts & prayers these past weeks. The girls had a very good time at camp this past week and the pile of laundry I am doing proves it. We've got some tough appts this week- including Gi's surgery on Wed. I'll keep everyone posted. Thank you for your continued thoughts & calls !!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
8/5/11 evening.....
So today wasn't too bad.....took care of some stuff. Then later I ran some errands with my dear KD....then Mom, Pop, KD & myself went out for some dinner and a walk about ! Then Ma & Pop took off for home & now that KD & I are sufficiently talked out about all kinds of things....we are going to watch some TV and then go to bed. Another busy day tomorrow !! Good night all !!
8/5/11 morning
Well.....I got just about a full night's sleep. Mom decided to stay over with me & so I took the medicine the doctor gave me and went to bed. I woke a couple of brief times but went right back to sleep. I woke around 6am but then didn't get out of bed until 7ish something. I am actually hungry this morning too- so like in the past....I will give it a try & hope that I stay out of the bathroom ! =)
I'm upset with myself in the fact that I am a grown woman and couldn't handle being alone this week. But thankfully the Lord knew this & sent me the family & dear friends who are patient enough to be with me during the bad times as well as the good. It took alot of patient gentle prodding from all of them to get me to go to the ER since my own doctors office is full of jackasses that wouldn't take care of me during all of this.
But once again- I saw the Lord's hand in all this.....the woman doctor who got me- has been thru this. She lost her husband tragically and had 3 small children at the time. I believe she said 2, 4, 6 years old. She was kind, gentle and sat there and hugged me....then got firm....told me what was what !! And said she would be back. The nurse I got grew up in Delco and knows a family member and was also kind, patient and gentle. She put in the IV, gave me the medicine, turned off the lights and said now....lay down and relax you are safe here. Although I told them not to worry that I would call them when I got out.....my parents came down. So after only about 4 hours the doctor let me go. She said to make sure I continue to drink, try to eat, take the medicine she gave and then she did something I've needed for some time.....she gave me her card and said that she would be happy to be my physician and to get me thru this. She is down near Christiana but said if after I am on my feet- if I dont' want to travel down there- she will help me find a suitable doctor closer to home. When the nurse came back in to discharge me....she told me.....that the nurses love her & always breathe a sign of relief when they see she is working and that I will truly love having her as a doctor.
So now I am off to face the day.....lots to do today. Thank you for reading......and sharing my ups & downs !!
I'm upset with myself in the fact that I am a grown woman and couldn't handle being alone this week. But thankfully the Lord knew this & sent me the family & dear friends who are patient enough to be with me during the bad times as well as the good. It took alot of patient gentle prodding from all of them to get me to go to the ER since my own doctors office is full of jackasses that wouldn't take care of me during all of this.
But once again- I saw the Lord's hand in all this.....the woman doctor who got me- has been thru this. She lost her husband tragically and had 3 small children at the time. I believe she said 2, 4, 6 years old. She was kind, gentle and sat there and hugged me....then got firm....told me what was what !! And said she would be back. The nurse I got grew up in Delco and knows a family member and was also kind, patient and gentle. She put in the IV, gave me the medicine, turned off the lights and said now....lay down and relax you are safe here. Although I told them not to worry that I would call them when I got out.....my parents came down. So after only about 4 hours the doctor let me go. She said to make sure I continue to drink, try to eat, take the medicine she gave and then she did something I've needed for some time.....she gave me her card and said that she would be happy to be my physician and to get me thru this. She is down near Christiana but said if after I am on my feet- if I dont' want to travel down there- she will help me find a suitable doctor closer to home. When the nurse came back in to discharge me....she told me.....that the nurses love her & always breathe a sign of relief when they see she is working and that I will truly love having her as a doctor.
So now I am off to face the day.....lots to do today. Thank you for reading......and sharing my ups & downs !!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Not as strong as you all think I am......
I afraid that I had to visit the ER today....but St Francis was a good recommendation. Thanks to family & some insistent but loving friends...I relented and went. They said I was dehydrated....and had some serious anxiety & stress. But the Lord worked his way & my doctor was a woman who lost her husband and left her with 3 small children. So she also offered to take me on as a patient & if later on I want to find someone up here closer to home she will help me with that too. !! So after they pumped me up....gave me some medicine & prescription for later....she discharged me and I am to follow up with her in a week or sooner if needed. Mom is going to have a sleepover & tomorrow my dear KD will come down for one. Thank you to everyone who is sticking with us as we travel this valley of the shadows or as someone put it...."her time of winter & harshness". I could not do this without all of you....knowing that each place I go there is someone who is looking out for us is a comfort.
8/4/11- is wondering.....
I have been battleing with my doctor's office since Carmen's accident to try to get in and see the attending. I'm not comprehending why they can't understand that a patient with a history of a stress induced heart attack and now facing the sudden death of her husband and trying to keep it all together for their children would be so upset when they refuse to see her?? What stuns me even more is that they keep quoting me office policy- I'd like to know where is says in their policy...."when a patient whose husband was crushed to death by a huge concrete barrier and needs to be see by an attending physician should be told that when you signed up with us you were told this is a resident training facility and so no you may not make an appt with the attending?" I've been told I should just go to the emergency room. WTH !!! really this is what I have to consider resorting to in order to get some medical care?
8/4/11- I got some sleep....
Well...last night one of my babies needed to call home. After about 40 minutes of comfort & sharing on both our parts & talk of the fun things at camp she was ready to go to bed. Also a big comfort to me- my dear Kim came & had a sleepover. We talked for awhile & I've not slept in weeks & when we up to bed.....I slept. I woke a couple of times but went right back to sleep. Around 6am I would awaken & doze awake and doze and finally got out of bed around 7:15. I still feel exhausted but it was my first decent night's sleep & my first peaceful one this week. So I think I might be ready to face the day.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
8/3/11 was told to give this a try......{post from Crystal}
8/3/11 - it was suggested that I give this a try. Not sure what I am doing or if I even set it up correctly.
It has been three weeks since my beloved was taken from me and our daughters. There have been many ups & downs for all of us. I wouldn't have made it this far if I didn't have our girls. We've received lots of help from family and friends and for that I am so very grateful. The initial influx has settled down and we are trying to figure out what to do & where to go from here. That is all for now.
It has been three weeks since my beloved was taken from me and our daughters. There have been many ups & downs for all of us. I wouldn't have made it this far if I didn't have our girls. We've received lots of help from family and friends and for that I am so very grateful. The initial influx has settled down and we are trying to figure out what to do & where to go from here. That is all for now.
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