February 2016- this widow's view on Valentine's Day

February 2016- this widow’s view on Valentine’s Day

It has been far too long that I have revisited the process of my grieving soul.  Do I no longer grieve?  No, this is not the way it works. Lately, I have had so many thoughts, so many events and new curiosities presented before me. How does this change how I am doing, how my children are doing especially since they are growing up? What is next? Where do I go from here and how do I see the rest of my life without my beloved Carmen?

I am smiling again and not the fake “I’m fine” smile, it’s not all the time but it is more often. The odd part is when I have days when grief and joy both burst through. It is most annoying to my personality when out of nowhere something triggers the heart wrenching grief and anguish from the most inner parts of my soul and when that happens I am a broken and dark woman all over again and I have no choice but to follow the sage advice given to me numerous times…”go thru it, let it happen, experience it, feel it and then release it.” I won’t say I understand why this has to happen but I will say that it has to happen in order to heal the deep wound of my heart and soul.

Initially I will tell you in all honesty I was simply just holding on, moving through life with the anguish of the knowledge that I have paid a high price in life. As you continue on the grief journey the emotional drain, the daily pressures and demands drain every ounce of life you have in you, I had nothing left to give- absolutely nothing. But as a mother I felt the primal need to take care of my children, to protect them, to “make it all better” for them. I was blessed to have loving parents and good friends who came alongside me to remind me that in order to take care of my kids I had to take care of myself first and that no matter what my heart wanted to do- that I could not take away the pain in my children’s hearts.

So what do I do? Where do I turn? How do I pick up the broken pieces and put our lives back together?

This is where it got interesting; some well-meaning people said the following things to me; “pray about it, you must have peace that at least he didn’t suffer, God never gives us more than we can handle, He’s in a better place, everything happens for a reason, only the good die young, you must be thankful for the time you had, you are young- you’ll find another husband, you should move on and then your children can have another father, I even had an older widow say I know exactly what you are going through.” All I can say is that it is amazing that I managed to not reach out and choke the life out of some of these people.

It is here where I tell you that I really and truly struggled with my faith. Most days I was so very angry with God for taking my husband, taking the father of my children away from them. Why, why,why ? At night I could truly feel with my entire being that the darkness was trying to swallow me. Often I would need to sleep with a light on because I needed to be able to see that I was alive and not being swallowed into the depths of hell that the pain I was feeling was not going to overtake me.

Again, I will be honest and tell you that there were so many times I told God that I was mad at him and that I was not going to talk to him. And for some of you that may seem like it was childish and not appropriate for a Christian to talk like that- but I assure you that it was perfectly human and normal. And the best part was that like a real father, God allowed me to feel what I wanted to feel and then waited patiently for me to return. Never once did he forsake his job of caring for me- always showing me somehow thru people’s actions and comments, fb posts and some daily bread devotionals that he was only a prayer away. 

Now for me prayer has never been some pious reciting of words, my first pastor was a very wise man and one of his many lessons was that God wants us to have a real conversation with us, so that is exactly what I did. Oftentimes it was not a pretty conversation, it was filled with pain, anguish, disgust, anger, frustration, indecision, grief, despair, depression, anxiety, worry, fear, sobbing, tears, threats, pleading and there was the usual remorse for all of the previous feelings and my apology for doubting or anger. But again- the peace that was given to my heart cannot be described it can only be felt.

I will say that I am forever grateful for those who chose to show me real love, by being there and actually doing what they said “they said call me anytime, day or night, just ask”. Let me tell you- there are plenty of people who “said” this to me but didn’t mean it so I appreciate those who followed through. Of those who followed thru-my parents gave their all, they were grieving the loss of a son and no matter what, they would stop what they were doing to give me and my children whatever we needed. I had girlfriends who would bring a meal, listen and just sit with us. There were two wonderful guy friends who stepped up and filled an important role of “surrogate husbands and fathers” (totally platonic and out of compassion and love for my children) a sounding board and voice of reason, the gentle yet firm talks that only a father can give- especially when mommy was exhausted and frustrated and would have lashed out in anger and pain with words that would have wounded hearts that were already hurting and grieving. There were the coworkers and friends who knew me well enough to just be “normal” around me and others who knew me very well and knew just when to walk right up to me and without saying a word- just hug me. And I would be remiss if I wasn’t thankful for the many, many people worldwide that held us up in their prayers. And yes with parents who are missionaries- the prayers for our deeply hurting hearts was literally worldwide.

So how does all of this relate to Valentine’s Day? In this country it seems as though Valentine’s day is supposed to be reserved for lovers, yet in other countries it is a day of love and friendship. But for me it was always a fun day, not for the typical reasons. If you were fortunate enough to know Carmen then you understand why this day was fun. Because when it was just us, husband and wife I never got flowers on Valentine’s day- from our earliest dating days- he would buy me candy because he knew my joy in a good box of chocolates filled with nut and caramel variety, but flowers on that day infuriated him. Overpriced and worthless in his mind- instead he would arrive on odd out of the blue days with flowers and a kiss- I would always say “these are beautiful- what are they for?” and I truly loved his reply, “because I love you and I love to see you smile.” But…..when our girls came along there was always flowers and candy for his “pumpkin and cupcake”……he would tell them that he was only celebrating Valentine’s day with them to remind them that they were his loves and that he would always love them. When they asked why he didn’t bring flowers to mommy- he replied that he loved me more than one day could show- so he would bring me flowers on other days. The delight on their faces will forever be ingrained in my heart. And I have to say- that absolute best feeling in the world was when he would remind both them and others that I was his love and he would always choose me above them. What more could a girl want…..than to know that I was loved above all others.

There are so, so many things that I miss with Carmen being gone and there isn’t enough paper or words to tell you all of them. But most of all I miss the little things…..his genuine love for family, his generous gift of his time for whomever asked, the fun of bantering back and forth, his hugs……just being held for no other reason than to just be close, to know that no matter what I had a partner in all things- thick and thin, good and bad, happy and sad. I miss hearing the laughter from our girls as they played and interacted with him.

So on this Valentine’s day…..I am giving myself and our daughters the gift of life and love. Permission to continue on with life and living- Never forgetting what we had but however we deem fit. We have survived because of love and faith, we will let love fill our hearts again. Carmen taught us many valuable lessons in his short time we were given with him and I know that he would not want us to just survive. He knew all about surviving and getting things done….but he also knew the importance of enjoying life and being with those who love you.

And now……I am pulling the “widow card” card on you all- Love is a verb- it is action not just a feeling. I don’t have so much of what my heart once had and I yes I get really annoyed or upset when I see other people wasting what was taken from me- so I challenge you to not waste it- appreciate all those little things! Put love into action- and put down the darn electronics, turn off the tv, put on some fun music and “be” with your loved ones and friends- ask about their day and actually listen to the response. What are their fears and concerns- how can you fill their hearts will the love that is needed? What made them happy today? What made them laugh or cry? Simply give the gift of your time, a meal or a hug with no reason other than filling both your hearts……put Love into action this Valentine’s Day.