1/22/13....Life is a journey ??....

In many different places I've heard that "Life is a journey"- well I've been thinking about that and want to share my thoughts.

My life has indeed been a journey- I started out in my parents home, much like a calm winding country road. There were twists & turns small pot holes but enjoyable. I then traveled a bigger & busier road that lead me to the top of the mountain- when I married Carmen. "My" journey became "Our" journey. We traveled many different roads together. Some were smooth & fast paced like a highway, some had some speed bumps that slowed us down and twice we were bossed to travel to the top of the mountain together as we welcomed our most precious gifts- our daughters- Gianna & Toni. After those two special trips- we traveled all over - there were more country roads filled with joy & happiness, there were highways that lead to the airport- yep you guessed it- where time just flew by. But all of them filled my heart with moments & memories that thankfully will last a lifetime. We continued on & faced some desert roads- where relationships dried up and our hearts were parched & thirsty and sadly that road lead us into the dark valley. Carmen lost his mother. We were navigating this new road called "Grief". It was a horrible road but we saw the sunshine returning. Some of the pot holes were repaired & the road was being repaved. I would say that we were happy- our travels were on track, we had things all mapped out. Then all of a sudden.....there was confusion- someone had screwed up- there was red lights, stop signs & a huge no outlet sign in "my" road. I looked around but Carmen was gone- no where to be found. Not only was he gone but he took the map !! Now what ?!? He knows I have no sense of direction, that I need him to take turns driving- I get tired when I have to drive for more than an hour or two.  It was at this time that the divine dispatcher had to send out emergency personnel- family & friends". Who came to offer me assistance- everyone meant well & many of them helped out the best they could- but for some reason- they only had one tool each- no one had everything I needed or what I wanted, and no could find my map. I was lost & panicking until it was explained to me that my travel plans had been changed. Well this just ticked me off !!! I wanted to know why the heck I couldn't find Carmen, where was my map and for crying out loud why the heck do I need to take this detour !!

Yes....a detour...so you see right now I am traveling along a road called grief. It is a long winding, desolate road- filled with all types of hazards, dangerous cliffs & hairpin turns and frankly it is dark & dreary & it totally sucks !!!  I know that eventually it will put me back on the well lit road called "life" again, I'm just not sure when.  As I travel down this road I will look for those special stops where I can take a brief break- I hope to find them staffed by the people I call family & friends.

So now each new day has both the girls & I traveling and looking toward the horizon- where one day we will see the rainbow and the signs that will direct our journey back to where our hearts want to be...... until then my beloved.....you remain in my heart.

1/8/13 They say there is a reason.....

“They say there is a reason……and that time will heal. But neither time or the reason will ever change the way I feel. No one can truly know my heartache (yes many can sympathize) but you can’t know MY pain since it is MY pain. You did not have the same relationship with my husband……you had your own relationship with him and you have your own pain- that I cannot understand.  You see me as strong- that is because it is what I portray. No one knows how many times I have broken down and cried, no one knows how many times I have had to cradle our daughters as they have completely and utterly cried until there were no more tears to come or until I as their mother could not take their pain any longer and did something or said something so stupid that it shocked them or made them smile with bewilderment.

Never doubt that I will forever love my beloved Carmen or that I don’t think of him with almost every task or activity that we do. On the horrible day in July 2011- my life changed forever and never will it be the same….never will I be the same….don’t expect me to be the same. They say that change is good and that we can all learn something. I have learned many things- sometime I share those thoughts with you and other times they are kept in my heart for myself.

One thing that pops into my head often as the girls and I travel this journey- there are a lot of people who “think” that they know what is best, what we should be doing, what we should be feeling,  etc etc.  One of the changes I have decided to share is that I am going to be more honest with how I as the wife & mother feel about those who intrude into our inner feelings & journey-  “to those people- perhaps you haven’t realized that you are not God- you don’t know it all- and the last time I checked the only person that I was bound to honor & obey is gone and with God. So please do me the favor of minding your own business- keep your opinions to yourself about how you think we need to be doing things. IF and I say IF I want your opinion I feel confident that I will ask you. “

Wow- that felt good !! And now that I got that out of the way- I can share something else with you all. This past year and half; the girls and I have truly and sincerely realized the value of life, the value of true love- and what it means to love someone without conditions. It may not always be easy- but we do our best. I remind the girls that when we mess up we need to apologize- forgive and then move on- as best we can don’t hold grudges. We’ve learned to give to others of ourselves, our time and when we can our resources. 

Over all these past months I’ve also seen how people change- it amazes me that before Carmen died- I truly never looked at people in the same way I do now. I know that it has always been this way- but I guess now I observe it differently. People change, relationships change- sometimes there is something you can do to help the relationship, other times you realize that you can’t save it or that no matter what you may want-because the other person has changed or moved on- that they don’t feel the same or maybe they have stayed the same but you realize that you have changed and that person doesn’t fill the role you need them to fill anymore.

Some of these changes may be good, others may hurt but as we change and evolve into who we are at that time in our life we realize- that we need to stay true to ourselves and not change to please others !!!  This prompts me to say that in this new year as the girls and I continue down this journey we call grief- we will be making some changes- some good, some maybe not so good, but all with the hope that we honor God first, and then as my heart still strives to do- is honor Carmen.  The girls and I cannot do it alone, we hope that as we travel we will be blessed to have you in our lives- if life does not grant us that wish- then so be it. We will deal with each challenge that comes our way with- as much love, honesty, forgiveness and to the best of our ability self-control (that last one is not a promise- as I am human) as possible.