It has been awhile since I posted. The reason is simple- life is simply the same as it was when I last wrote. Of course there are happy times (my cousin's is about to be a Mom Mom: the baby shower for her son, another friend just became a Mimi to her first grandson, visits and time with those who love us & are still caring for us, places we've gone together) and many other things and activities that in the past I may have overlooked as a blessing. And there have still been the sad & hurting times (not only the pain & drain of being without Carm) but also getting back to living and surviving life. Hearing about other's heartaches and pain and wondering "how can I help them?"
I have come to cherish and value any & all time spent with my family and friends. In life we can so often get so busy that we forget to take the time to value this time. I can honestly say that other things can wait and that when I climb into bed and my mind wants to turn into a tornado of thoughts that the Lord has been gracious to remind me of his love, strength and of the many blessings of family and friends.
I know that so many of us have seen the saying, "be kind to each other because you never know what the other person is facing that day", BUT do we really ever think of that when dealing with each other?
The Lord has seen fit to allow me (& our girls) to travel forward on the journey of life without my Beloved Carmen. But he is giving me the strength to deal with each situation that comes. He is giving us comfort- both his own and that of those he has in our lives. He continues to give or allow certain challenges to come my way- some I have passed and other challenges I admit my failings, ask for forgiveness, strength and courage to try again. He also has presented me with opportunities to show how having him in our lives is the difference between giving up & going on.
Please continue with your prayers for myself, Gianna & Toni. You truly do not know how much those prayers are needed and coveted. When you send us emails, facebook messages, phone calls and snail mail they remind us that the Lord has many people upholding us before him throughout the day & even the night. Never underestimate the power of your prayers and reminders for us.
Thank you everyone for sharing in this journey with us.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
9/15/11 morning
Good Morning,
I write this morning with a happy heart to let you know that Gianna the past two nights has taken another big step in the grieving process. On Tuesday and last night she decided to sleep in her own bed !! On Tuesday she moved her pillow in her room and set her alarm early to shower before school- it was as we were preparing for bed that she told me. She said she didn't want to wake me up since she was getting up early. I told her that it was not a problem and I didn't mind hearing the alarm- but she insisted and so I assured her that her decision was fine with me.
Of course the Mama in me also reassured her that if for any reason she either needed or wanted to come back in my room that would be okay too. Her calm smile and reply "Oh I know Mom" !! How blessed my heart was to hear that she already knows AND remembers !!
Toni is still needing closer comfort. During the night she will frequently roll over to "feel" if I am there. She has always been an active octopus sleeper....but her need to make sure I am there makes me sad that she can't fully rest.
Both girls are adjusting to school and loving it....although they will lead you to believe otherwise !! They still have their up and down moments. They are both comfortable sharing with me and a few others that they are close with comments or memories of Carmen when the moment prompts. And this too is a great relief to me- I love when we are doing something and they say "Daddy loved doing this, or we should have gotten that for Daddy, or even ...do you think Dad would like this?? And I am able to reply with a smile or a laugh !!
Please continue your prayers for us.......we try to keep busy- yet not so busy that we can't catch our breath or continue on our journey. I myself stay busy with alot of things that a normal Mother would handle, along with my work at the school.
To some it may seem like I am not grieving....but their impression is none of my concern. I need to focus on our girls and make sure they are- loved, taken care of , reassured & comforted. My needs will always come second to them and I will deal with my reality in my own way.
Harsh and cruel reality have no problem creeping & even sometimes invading my personal thoughts and my heart. There are so many times that all the small things I crave with Carmen can overtake my mind......so I put them away for a time, pray for strength to get thru the moment and thank God for the assurance that I will see my Beloved Carmen one day !!
I am thankful daily for my family and friends who continue to support, love and comfort us. Without you we would have an even lonelier journey. When people ask how I am doing....I can say that I am holding on...and sometimes even say I'm doing ok. The reason is.....I really appreciate the prayers, the hugs, the small gestures of reminders that we are not alone and that we have people who care FOR AND ABOUT us.
I write this morning with a happy heart to let you know that Gianna the past two nights has taken another big step in the grieving process. On Tuesday and last night she decided to sleep in her own bed !! On Tuesday she moved her pillow in her room and set her alarm early to shower before school- it was as we were preparing for bed that she told me. She said she didn't want to wake me up since she was getting up early. I told her that it was not a problem and I didn't mind hearing the alarm- but she insisted and so I assured her that her decision was fine with me.
Of course the Mama in me also reassured her that if for any reason she either needed or wanted to come back in my room that would be okay too. Her calm smile and reply "Oh I know Mom" !! How blessed my heart was to hear that she already knows AND remembers !!
Toni is still needing closer comfort. During the night she will frequently roll over to "feel" if I am there. She has always been an active octopus sleeper....but her need to make sure I am there makes me sad that she can't fully rest.
Both girls are adjusting to school and loving it....although they will lead you to believe otherwise !! They still have their up and down moments. They are both comfortable sharing with me and a few others that they are close with comments or memories of Carmen when the moment prompts. And this too is a great relief to me- I love when we are doing something and they say "Daddy loved doing this, or we should have gotten that for Daddy, or even ...do you think Dad would like this?? And I am able to reply with a smile or a laugh !!
Please continue your prayers for us.......we try to keep busy- yet not so busy that we can't catch our breath or continue on our journey. I myself stay busy with alot of things that a normal Mother would handle, along with my work at the school.
To some it may seem like I am not grieving....but their impression is none of my concern. I need to focus on our girls and make sure they are- loved, taken care of , reassured & comforted. My needs will always come second to them and I will deal with my reality in my own way.
Harsh and cruel reality have no problem creeping & even sometimes invading my personal thoughts and my heart. There are so many times that all the small things I crave with Carmen can overtake my mind......so I put them away for a time, pray for strength to get thru the moment and thank God for the assurance that I will see my Beloved Carmen one day !!
I am thankful daily for my family and friends who continue to support, love and comfort us. Without you we would have an even lonelier journey. When people ask how I am doing....I can say that I am holding on...and sometimes even say I'm doing ok. The reason is.....I really appreciate the prayers, the hugs, the small gestures of reminders that we are not alone and that we have people who care FOR AND ABOUT us.
Friday, September 9, 2011
9/9/11
I'm afraid that I am going to be brief.....just not feeling it today. It's been 8 weeks if you count monday to monday....but if you count the way the girls are counting...then sunday will be two months.
All I can say is that we are taking it day by day....sometimes moment to moment. We've had a roller coaster of emotions and sometimes I really want to just sit down and say to the Lord...."why?" And I really would like an answer.
But then my head tells my heart....this isn't what the Lord or Carmen would want and I get my butt up & get moving again.
This week- with school starting and some other very distressing things I am glad that it is the weekend and that thankfully we've got a semi busy schedule of events- it includes- church, nursery, a baby shower and the Women of Faith conference.
A BIG thank you to my friends that have seen us thru another week & have managed to even make me smile !!
This weekend reflect on what is really important in your life and then be thankful for THEM !!! Yes....I was referring to your family and friends not your stuff.
All I can say is that we are taking it day by day....sometimes moment to moment. We've had a roller coaster of emotions and sometimes I really want to just sit down and say to the Lord...."why?" And I really would like an answer.
But then my head tells my heart....this isn't what the Lord or Carmen would want and I get my butt up & get moving again.
This week- with school starting and some other very distressing things I am glad that it is the weekend and that thankfully we've got a semi busy schedule of events- it includes- church, nursery, a baby shower and the Women of Faith conference.
A BIG thank you to my friends that have seen us thru another week & have managed to even make me smile !!
This weekend reflect on what is really important in your life and then be thankful for THEM !!! Yes....I was referring to your family and friends not your stuff.
Monday, September 5, 2011
9/5/11
8 weeks today. The girls aren't counting the same way that I do....I knew this before....but then when they heard about some 9/11/11 memorials planned....they commented that this time this will be really hard- they will be thinking about all the people who died on 9/11 and that it will be 2 months since Daddy died on the same day.
I'm thinking Carmen would have been very proud of me this weekend. I made the decision to take a trip to the Jersey shore. This was our first trip so far from home without my beloved man !! Of course about 2/3 of the way down there....I heard two songs....and I started crying. It was a few minutes before the girls realized and when they did ...they were concerned. I told them....it's ok....we're going to have times like this !! But then I also told them....the reason I was crying was that Carmen would sing those songs to me & it hurt my heart something fierce....but that it also brought a good memory and for that I am very thankful !!
How do I explain to them....that although my heart breaks over & over daily.....it is the good memories that hold it together? And that since I have both the memories and both of them that Carmen will never be gone ??
This week will also be so hard.........the first week of school was hectic....but this week will get them into a routine & I would normally call Carmen and we would get to talk for a long time each morning. Now after I get them off to school I will have a block of time here alone before I need to head into work. I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS AT ALL !!!!
If you would continue to keep us in your prayers.....and if you think of it & you want to email me - please feel free.
Thanks everyone !!
I'm thinking Carmen would have been very proud of me this weekend. I made the decision to take a trip to the Jersey shore. This was our first trip so far from home without my beloved man !! Of course about 2/3 of the way down there....I heard two songs....and I started crying. It was a few minutes before the girls realized and when they did ...they were concerned. I told them....it's ok....we're going to have times like this !! But then I also told them....the reason I was crying was that Carmen would sing those songs to me & it hurt my heart something fierce....but that it also brought a good memory and for that I am very thankful !!
How do I explain to them....that although my heart breaks over & over daily.....it is the good memories that hold it together? And that since I have both the memories and both of them that Carmen will never be gone ??
This week will also be so hard.........the first week of school was hectic....but this week will get them into a routine & I would normally call Carmen and we would get to talk for a long time each morning. Now after I get them off to school I will have a block of time here alone before I need to head into work. I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS AT ALL !!!!
If you would continue to keep us in your prayers.....and if you think of it & you want to email me - please feel free.
Thanks everyone !!
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