11/27/11

Hello Everyone.......update on us girls. The short version is that on one hand Thanksgiving was sad & flat and I didn't want to do it at all......but I knew I had to do it for the girls. So my cousin Kim invited us and my parents to her house. So we went and so on the other hand....doing things all together made it bearable. There were good moments & I am thankful for them.

Kim & Robert- worked so hard to make sure that things were just as if Carmen was there with us. Robert even toasted Carmen {yes he was there with us....sitting on the side board} and Alex was a great distraction and playmate for Toni.

After thanksgiving we were fortunate to be able to visit & spend some time with my sister in law (if she reads this....I'm not coming over until I make sure you are going to sit down & relax & not put me to work-lol !!) Then my cousin Brian, his wife Kirsten & kidlets came over & we had a wonderful time. We got some things done around here Sat morning....and then spent the rest of the day with my cousin Debbie, Chalie, Kevin, Melissa, new baby Maliya, Uncle John (Santa) and Rita...and we can't forget to mention Otis or the new harley !!   :)   Then today we spent time with my parents to celebrate his birthday !!! 

Once again....I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to have my family & friends close by who love us and take care of us. Each in their own special way touches us & helps our hearts to heal !!

Love to you all !!  I'm looking forward to a good week !!!

11/23/11

Dearest Carmen- our girls & I cried when you passed away & we still cry today. We loved you dearly & beyond words- but we couldn't make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, your hard working hands are at rest. God broke our hearts & it proves that he only takes the best. For those that we have loved & lost but can never forget. We miss you always....but especially during the holidays.

The g...irls & I have sat & talked & shared the memories of Carmen and Grandmom {Carmen's mother- who passed in April} how they loved the holidays....how they loved the food & how hey loved having their family close by !!!

Today.....I went into the kitchen to prepare some things for Thanksgiving.....and immediately my heart pained me....my eyes welled up with tears....my stomach tightened & I thought I would get sick....my mind whirled with thoughts of Carmen- I thought "I can't do this" !!! I sat down & cried and immediately a warm hug enveloped me. The next thoughts in my head were Carmen's words....."You can to this- I want you to do this- the girls need to see that everything we love doing will still be done & I'm right here with you".

Peace, Gratitude and Love are gifts that are to be shared. If any of these traits are done silently and not shared....then they are like wrapping a present & not giving it to the person.

I am thankful for each & everyone of you that are in our lives. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

11/21/11

Well today was another one of those up & down days. Toni's class trip to Philly to see the Constitution center.....but they were so rushed that most kids were left wondering...."is that all?" When I got back to school our Family Crisis Therapist asked for my "help" in taking care of distributing Thanksgiving meals to some families.....I just wanted to help him.....and it was I who was blessed by the two women who came in !!

My heart is still so raw and broken......I so totally don't want to be bothered with the holidays.....and yet I feel every fiber of my being that my dear sweet man is with me and our girls. He is reminding me to be thankful to God for what we have.

I am thankful for ....family, friends & my coworkers- for without your love, hugs & support - the girls and I would not have gotten this far in our journey. You may think that your actions or words are small or unimportant......but I can assure you that none of it goes unnoticed or unappreciated.

Live your life without regrets.....let those around you know that you love them & give them the best gift you can offer..........yourself.  Spend time with them, hug them, remind them that nothing is more important than spending time with them. Don't let anything come between you and them. Whatever petty things have occurred in the past......leave them there.....in the past. Forgive and move forward.

Thank you for being part of our lives- Thank you for your time- Thank you for just being there !!
May all of you have a truly Blessed & Happy Thanksgiving !!

Love from Me, Gi & Toni

11/16/11

Thanksgiving is fast approaching......and I am really trying to get prepared for the holiday. On one hand I am indeed thankful for our dear daughters. They bring me such joy & happiness in so many ways. However I continually think about all that will never be without my beloved man.

I also am thankful for my family- my parents, my brother & his family, my sweet Kim & her family,  those in Carmen's family that are in our lives, sweet Jen, my friends & my coworkers. All of them in their own way manage to interact with us in such a way that our pain is less while we are with them. None of you may ever realize that your time is worth more than gold. Thank you for this gift.

I am thankful for being able to be busy.... but find some relief in being able to sit down to relax.

Well my dear man......this is our first thanksgiving without you and my heart is heavy, I am broken hearted but not broken. I am thankful for all the years I had with you and I am thankful that you gave me the blessing of our two beautiful girls.

I never understood true numbness- but now I do- many days my broken heart feels nothing.....no joy ...no saddness.....just emptiness that your presence once filled. And yet other days.......that blessed numbness is no where to be found and the reality of our loss is overwhelming.

Everything I see I think of you.....past memories and now our lonely journey. Fall- the trees changed color- we used to hike thru the woods, the leaves have fallen- you & the girls would rake & blow the leaves into piles & then the look on your face when they would jump into the piles instead of picking them up.....and me standing there laughing at all of you & when you would pull me down into a pile and then the girls would be laughing and jump on you !! Thanksgiving- oh the smiles and joy on your face as the girls & I would start the shopping list, the groceries all over the place, the days of preparations. I see you always in the kitchen with a mischievous smile on your face.....as you would steal any & all food that us girls were making. Then.....the actual thanksgiving dinner......I will always remember & smile when I think of you at the head of the table.....presiding over family dinner. No matter who was here.....they were always family- always welcome- your smile & nod of satisfaction were my best reward for all the work. You would often ask me "if I minded" all the stuff you wanted....and I am so happy you knew that you were my greatest joy & cooking for you filled my heart with love.....You and only You were my reason for cooking- Yours was the only praise I needed !! Then the time we spent together as you would "pick the bird", how you would laugh as I told you this was "the man job & that you had better hop to it- if- you wanted your turkey boom bah the next day !!" {for anyone reading this.....it's actually turkey bombay- but Carm would say he loved how I made it & it was so good it was boom bah}.

Well enough memories for now......I am weary....and tired maybe if I go to bed I will fall asleep. Not that I rest properly.....when I lay my head down I think of you next to me.....I wish I could hear you breath and hear you talk- lol.....and yes even snore. When I finally fall asleep....I dream of you and wish that I didn't have to get up in the morning- because then reality once again is there to slap me in the face.

Good night my dear sweet man......I love you beyond words and my heart misses you beyond words. Please remind the Lord that your girls miss you and would like to understand his reason for this pain. And that although you are whole, healthy and happy that you would ask he heal our broken hearts and fill the hole that you have left. Love you Always & Forever !!

11/6/11

The girls and I are almost done the laundry......and I'm trying to relax. But my mind wanders in so many directions......this past week we attended a memorial service for my mother in law and today we went to a wedding. Both brought feelings to the forefront that I didn't necessarily want to feel.

At the wedding I was able to catch up with some old friends and it was good to be reminded that there are people who continue to hold us in their prayers and that think of us often. When one of them and I were talking- she asked the familiar question....."how are you doing"? I of course replied....."hanging in there & as well as can be expected"......I then added......"as long as I am in Mommy mode I can deal with life- reality only gets to sneak in instead of diving in". She then said..."that sounds like a title to a book" consider it !!

What a laugh !!! What the hell could I write that would interest anyone out there ?? I can barely blog !!!  Oh well......at least it was odd enough to get my mind switching gears and off of my reality !! It is exhausting trying to function in day to day life when in my reality.....I would really just like to turn back time and be with my beloved man.

Sometimes--the blessed numbess wears off and realty comes running over and smacks me right up side my head and when it does......life and reality SUCKS !!!

I have a busy week ahead......and I'm still not sleeping very much......but a few hours is better than none I guess !!