5/9/14......sitting on the porch.....pondering......

I am sitting on our porch in Carmen's chair......remembering and pondering. I sit and recall our lives, our dreams and how he made me feel. I miss that sparkle in his eye, and the look that a husband reserves for his wife.......he always made both our anniversary and mother's day special. He said both those days were important because on both those days he got to remind me that HE was happy....happy that I said yes when he asked me to marry him and on mother's day.....that I gave him his beautiful children.


So as I celebrate our love and our anniversary.....I grieve.....the loss of my beloved and treasured Carmen.....my husband and the father of our dear sweet daughters, I grieve the loss of what was to be....the future together.


Allow me to take this moment to-Thank each of you. Carmen is always on my mind and so much more today as is expected. I am grateful for your kind and loving messages. I often think that I am doing so well.....and then blam......hits you like a ton of bricks and there is nothing that myself or those who love me can do to fix it- it is grief and the journey just needs to happen. So thank you for trying to make it better <3

5-9-14.....I am my beloved's and he is mine......our 27th anniversary

“I am my beloveds and he is mine”……May 9, 1987…….27 years ago…….I married the man of my dreams, my soul mate, my best friend. 

It has been 9863 days since the happiest day of my life and according to our vows I was his wife for 8829 days, and it’s been 1034 days since the worst day and by human calculators I should have approx.  12,785 days before I can be reunited with my other half. What does it mean that I still miss my husband? It means I was a very lucky woman- because I had someone so very special in my life for 34 years !!  Perhaps you may wonder about that last part and the math…..I knew Carmen since I was 10 years old and in some of my earliest teen journals…….I was in love with him back then !!

I keep pictures close by and we surround ourselves with mementos in order to keep you near although you are so very far away. My tears flow often and my heart feels as though it will never heal but when I think of you it brings me strength and I pray that your love will carry me through. So many days I keep myself busy being a mother and all the things that includes doing, however every time I pause…….you are the only thing on my mind and in my heart. You are the first thing I think of when I awake and the last as I finally fall asleep.

There are so many special occasions and moments that I should be sharing and doing with you…..yet I am alone…….so many times that I still want to pick up the phone and tell you something.  I want to share everything with you- the good, the bad, the exciting, the boring, the happy and the sad and most of all I wanted to grow old with you…….the always and forever, the happily ever after.

 

My beloved Carmen……I love you for giving me your heart and for trusting me with your secrets and your insecurities,  I am glad you wanted to share your life with me and have me by your side,  I love how you could make me smile and reassure me when things were tough, I treasure how you would call me “just because” and our time sitting together discussing literally everything.  I miss your confidence and reassurance when I doubted myself. I miss feeling your arms as they would encircle me and how you would pull me close and tell me that you would never let me go.  There is so much more yet my heart simply would say……I MISS YOU !!

To those reading this…….yes my heart still hurts as there is not a time limit on grief…..this journey really does resemble a roller coaster with all the ups and downs. So take time sooner rather than later to make time to sit down with your spouse and make sure that you can say-”I am my beloved’s and they are mine”…….make sure that they know how much you truly would be at a loss if they were no longer here. Don’t be shy about giving your entire being to them, talk about your dreams and the future you want to have together, Do NOT let opportunities for showing your love to each other ever pass by thinking that you will have all the time in the world.