8/31/11

Seven & a half weeks without my Carmen. Time is weird....it stops, then moves slowly...yet.....goes by so quickly !!  Today was Gianna's first day & for Toni & I our second day. All of us had some moments today and thankfully I have coworkers who understand that I need some extra words of encouragement and hugs !! {if you are reading this...thank you !!}

So many times I've thought...I need to call Carm & tell him something....it is then I realize that he is not here & oh does my heart hurt !! Never to hear his voice again....or to hear his laugh & to have that special greeting when we would see each other. I miss the part where the girls would run hollering ...."Daddy's home !!" and jump into his arms & hug him....Carm would then say....alright....let me hug your mother.....pull me close & let me {& sometimes the girls} that I was his first and favorite girl !!

Today.....I was going to be a tiny bit later than I first anticipated....and my first thought ??  Let me call Carmen & tell him not to worry.  When does that part stop being the first thought ??  Damn my heart hurts & I just want to snuggle close to him !!

Our dear girls had sad moments today too & thankfully- Toni can just come see me....but dear Gianna had to suffice with a call. I told her....if she needed me....I would stop what I was doing and come right to her !!! My brave girl said....no...it's ok Mama....I'll talk to you later !!  The three of us hugged tightly when we were together again...and although none of us said it out loud.....I know we were thinking....."wish Daddy was here !!"

I'm exhausted.....girls are tired.....and so we are cleaning up a bit....and going to bed !! Goodnight all !!

8/29/11

Well officially summer is over for us- school starts tomorrow.  :(

I can tell you that I am less than thrilled.....we were cheated out of so much when we lost Carmen....and the rest of summer was just a minor part of that. We didn't get to do any of the things we planned to do !! And now with the start of school it means that winter is just around the corner & frankly....I hate the cold !!

I would tolerate it for Carm & Toni. They love to be outside while Gianna & I would rather be inside but being the "good wife & mommy" I would have the dry warm clothes ready, along with the hot chocolate & homemade goodies !!

I just have no desire to be in the kitchen.....I could care less if I ever bake or cook anything again....but I know that the girls miss it all & so at some point I will have to pull it together & start it again.

As you think of us.....please say a prayer....that we have enough courage & strength for that moment or day. As time goes by I just pray that we grow closer & stronger. As I told the girls...."I can't be both Daddy & Mommy & I can't replace him...so I am just going to try to be the best Mommy I can & I hope that you will forgive me my screw ups & still love me!!"

Hectic week but next week will be more upsetting.....as the girls will go off to school before I have to be in to work....so there will be time that I have alone here & not having Carmen to talk to will be the worse part.  Reality again rears it's ugly head & the heart knows it's coming  :(             Good night all !!

8/28/11

Last night & today has ended with not much excitement !! I can tell you I am happy for no issues or worries. We were very fortunate- we had some friends check on us & for that I am very thankful !! THANK YOU !!

Today we cleaned up a bit, took a small walk in the wind & then managed to take a nap. Amazing how some restful sleep helps you face the day.

A big step today for Gianna- she was able to take her memory box out of it's wrapping and put Carmen in a special spot. I am so proud of her !!

Tomorrow we have some things to do & get ready for school- this is both an exciting yet sad day. Yet another first without our dear man....but I think we are ready !!

8/28/11

Well we survived the night. Early in the storm the basement took on water. It was literally pouring in !! We were down the basement because of the tornado warning & here it came. Immediately I jump into triage mode- get this under control so that the girls & my parents don't have to spend the night down here wet. After getting it under control with the shop vac & my dad sweeping water towards the drain-  I put on Carmen's rain gear & went outside to use the bags of garden dirt to "sandbag" the one basement window that was taking on water.

All I can say is my beloved was still here with me....sending me his thoughts (instructions). I have all kinds of things ready so that when the power goes out...I was going to be ready. BUT......I did have a moment when everyone was sleeping & I was sitting at the computer that all I could think of was......I really miss Carmen &  I want him here !!!!!! I want his reassurance that he's on top of it all & I could just take a breath & rest easy- he's got it under control !! 

Thankfully two people {they know who they are} chatted with me via messages & then they said the heck with typing & called !! They gave me their love, reassurance, reminders and even complaints & told me it was ok to lean on them- that they are here for us. That was all I needed for the moment & got my resolve back.

I did go finally try to lay down for a bit......and that was so hard- but I said "ok Lord.....you took my Carmen- so it's up to you to keep our girls & me safe- he's not here to give me what I need with all this mess- so protect us from harm & if possible all our stuff.....yes our stuff....right now....it's important to us too."

I'm used to going on no sleep.....so this wasn't any different...but I really would like a night when I'm able to just rest & not worry or think about anything.

8/25/11

Good Evening everyone.....right now I have so many thoughts and yet no organization to any of them. Time has escaped & I really wish we could capture it and get it back. We've had an up & down week. I had to do more paperwork for all of this mess & for some reason...I still can't think about all this. So to be safe I asked Mom to come with me. It took 1 1/2 hours to get it all done. Then on Wed- Mom had her surgery. I ended up asking Pop if we could bring her down here to our house to recoup. He understood that us girls needed to be the ones to take care of Mom & he let us whisk her away. With the impending hurricane...we asked him to bring his stuff down & join us here for a few days. Again....he was kind enough to do so !!

Today we were brought dinner by a new friend from BBC and she stayed for dinner & conversation. The conversation & laughter that followed was what we all needed !! I am glad the Lord has told some of you to make sure that you stay for a bit & to share your time with us !! Your time and love has been a great comfort to our hurting hearts !!!

Later Mom wasn't doing so good & got a bit sick & has a splitting headache...but now seems to be resting. So I am hoping & praying for a restful night for all of us.

This weekend looks as if it will be a challenge with the impending hurricane- so I am seriously praying that it will go off shore & not be as bad as they are calling for here. Then next week we are preparing to start back to school. Lots of appts and meetings but we are trying to muster up our courage to face all this !!

Thank you for your thoughts & prayers & support.....keep them coming !!
Much Love and appreciation !!!
Crystal

8/21/11

Sat down to add to the ever growing "to do list" and realized {once again} that time is going by so quickly !! Where does it go & how do I get it back !!  We have a busy week ahead....and yet it is the last week before school starts !!  :(

I am so not ready for school to start. Neither are the girls !! But alas.....time goes on even if we don't want it to.

These past few weeks have seemed endless and yet have gone by so quickly. These days I'm not sure what I am feeling. I do know that I am doing my best & that when I am taking care of the girls I feel like I am doing something normal. So often I think of so many times, places & things that I either want Carmen with us or want to call him to tell him something.

Just this morning....I almost forgot my cell phone....I panicked and ran back to go get it "in case Carmen" needed to reach me. After I retrieved it....I stopped in my tracks as it dawned on me that I had the girls with me & that not only would Carmen not need to reach me but that no one would else would need to reach me on a Sunday morning.

The moment of pain struck and yet I got back out to the minivan, got in & headed out to church. I was supposed to have nursery duty today & I always look forward to the time with the babies. I get the babies up to a year old. Even when crying or fussy they are always a joy to take care of & today....I was cheated. Combined services so no one brought their babies that early. 

So afterwards we left to come home- the girls are still so tired that after we got home....Gianna crashed on the sofa & Toni zonked in the recliner snuggled up to me. As I sat there listening to them both breathe so softly all I could do was think about how much we are going to miss out on without Carmen & how much he will miss by not being here. I tried to browse around the channels & we used to like to watch Extreme makeover home edition....today's episode....the family was getting a new house.....reason being ??  Two tragedies.......weather & then their father & eldest boy drown together !!!  I quickly found some other channel to watch- but I am seriously considering not watching the news and lots of other channels !!

Well....once again...the girls and I will try to tackle some things off this list. Wish us well in getting it all done ! And getting ready for school.

8/20/11

Last night the girls and I ventured out for the first time at night. We were invited by a friend to her Tastefully Simple party. Although I was quite anxious...it was all good. Gianna & I enjoyed the tasting of foods & Toni had fun with Chrissie's son Nick. 

As I write this....I am also dealing with the normal things that aren't normal anymore. The girls wanted to toast bagels & since the bagels were in the refrigerator, when they went to split the bagel it broke and then they got upset that they couldn't "toast" the bagel because it broke. I did raise my voice & said..."are you serious- you are getting upset over a broken bagel ?  Just stick it in the toaster & I will show you how to get it out if there is a problem !"

They just looked at me funny- so I softened the tone & said...come on girls...this isn't anything to worry over- let's figure it out & just enjoy your bagels- they toasted them & chatted about the melty butter.

I have to say......this past week there are SO many times I wish I could have Carmen back with us !! Not understanding why God had to take him away from us....we aren't finished with him yet & all the small things that go with it. I see couples smooch, the gentle touch or the look between a husband & wife & it reminds me that this will never happen again with my dear man. And when I see a couple that doesn't do this....I want to go over & remind them that life is too unpredictable and nothing is certain....so they should hug, kiss, hold hands and love each other a thousand times more than before.

The girls have had dreams about Carm & when they tell me about them....it just hurts my heart. Not that all their thoughts & dreams are bad- but seeing their pain in missing him makes me hurt. The mother in me wants so much to take away their pain & to make this all better.

Oh well.....enough of this for now....I've got alot to do today & sitting here isn't getting it done.

8/17/11

Time is always against us. There is not much time before school starts and normally I would have been done everything last month. I now find myself running out of time to get things done before school starts. My normally organized self is still missing but I find that most times I don't really care. Other times I panic....thinking...what the heck am I doing? I need to get all this done.

I need to once again thank you all.....evenings are indeed difficult. I still find that I don't like to be out & about much- I prefer to be here & in the safety of the house. We've had visitors and even laughter during the times that you come here. I also know for some of you- coming here must have been hard too- knowing that in the past when you've come, Carmen was here to greet, tease and laugh with you and yet you know I'm not ready to go out in the evenings...so you come to us.

I've been very grateful for the way my friends have included us in their lives but especially how some have totally understood that the girls and I are not ready to do alot separately so they invite or permit the three of us to attend something as a group. We are looking forward to friday night's invite !!

I did have my follow up appt with my new doctor and she was indeed wonderful in so many ways. The Lord definitely had his hand in leading me to her. Even the girls liked her and the way she talked with them also. She didn't rush us & at one point sat back in her chair and crossed her legs as if to get comfortable while talking to us.

The girls still are totally different in how they are handling things on a day to day basis. I struggle with how to handle each one of them where they are and how to do it in the most loving way yet still be mommy. They are both still sleeping with me and I have to admit.....as much as I may get bumped and thumped during the night- they are as much comfort to me and I must be to them.

Off we go to get all our daily stuff done .....talk to everyone again later.

8/14/11

Hello all- I will start by telling you that I had a decent day yesterday. Even though it rained it was good. My brother and nephew Matt came down to tackle a project for me & even though it took longer than expected it still got done. Couple of small things to polish it off but no worries. During the day- it was a joy to hear laughter & see the smiles. Matt had a water fight with Toni and it included: hoses, water guns, umbrellas and vehicles- they got soaked but the laughs & shrieks made my heavy heart happy. After the project- I was a bit apprehensive....Al took on Carmen's bbq duties. I really was not sure how I was going to feel- since for 24 years....he never let anyone man the grill. Carmen always made sure everyone had what they wanted & how they wanted it. And we had bbq'd the day before he died. BUT it was all good- Al made everything tasty & it was ok. Seeing him smile at the grill & teasing about how Carmen knew his grill & he didn't & had to make a few extra dogs since a few got well done was funny. After dinner my Pop made funnel cakes for us all- he hasn't done that in quite some time so it was also good to see the kids just eating them up & crowding around him in the kitchen.

Last night- Gianna had gotten sick during the night- so we just stayed home today. We were going to do some cleaning and laundry but so far we've just been lazy. The rain has a way of doing that to us. But just resting can be good too. Hope to have an uneventful night's sleep tonight. We've got some things to do & some appts this week but hoping for a good week.

THANK YOU all again for your support, love, calls and meals. I can not tell you how appreciative the girls and I are for you. We truly could not have gotten thru this first month without you all. I truly thank God for such a loving family AND such dear friends that care enough about us to hold us together and to let us know that even though we've been thru something horrible that we have people who love us.

8/12/11

The rest of the day went ok. We were brought a yummy meal last night & we actually all ate. Mine still didn't settle but that's ok this too shall eventually pass. Gianna is still having some minor pain but is managing with Ibuprofen & ice packs. She has an appt this morning to talk to someone about how she is feeling- so we'll see how that goes. After that I have an appt & some errands to run.  We will be trying to go out next week & get prepared for back to school. I don't want summer to be over just yet.

8/11/11- update and the 1 month mark

The girls and I count days differently.....for me- monday was a month since Carmen's death. For the girls- today is the month mark. It has been so hard to even think about it or to do anything but deal with the girls and just getting thru a day. Time is passing & people are getting on with their lives and yet I feel as though time has stopped. This month has been so very long and tiring and yet it seems as though it was just last week that we were in each other's arms having a good time.

The girls are still handling this so vastly differently and it is a challenge to know what to say to each of them. My heart is still so broken, empty and hurting that I am still not sleeping or eating properly.

Today Toni took a big step & unpacked her box and placed "Doddy" on her table. We picked out a picture of her and Carmen from this past Christmas out back. She lovingly placed him on her table and said I am glad he is here at home.  Right now she is enjoying watching Taz & telling me that her & Doddy love this cartoon.

That is all for now....I will probably be back on later.

8/10/11

Today was tiring !! I had to take Gianna to AI for surgery on her eyes. Originally this surgery was scheduled for 7/13 and of course that was not the case. She wanted the surgery rescheduled before school starts because she doesn't want to miss any schoolwork. I did make sure that the staff knew ahead of time what had happened with Carmen & that Gianna was quite anxious. Needless to say...so was I !! They made sure that I was in the recovery room before she awoke. After this past month it was hard to see her laying in the bed- with her eyes puffy & a touch bloody and not be able to touch her or hold her right away. I had the urge to just take her in my arms and then "make" her wake up. But the Lord quieted my heart and I was able to sit there and hold her hand quietly.

As she awoke she immediately asked if I was there. I leaned down and reassured her and kissed her head. She was in alot of pain and it was hard to get her to try to relax. They ended up having to give her 3 doses of morphine to help her pain. They put an ice bag back on her eyes and I sat there rubbing her head and hand, quietly talking to her and she finally was able to sleep.

After awhile they said that Mom could come in the back with us and a nurse went and got her. I'm glad that she came with me and that I have a gf who offered to take Toni so that she didn't have to sit around the hospital & I could concentrate on Gianna.  I know that people can't read minds but apparently both Mom & Jen know that I have an extrememly hard time asking for help and just make sure to be there for us.

More and more reality is creeping in and my mind races in many directions. So if you would....please keep us in the forefront of your prayers. They are appreciated beyond measure.

8/8/11- bringing Carmen home

Well.....today was harder than I thought. We brought Carmen home today. I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't fully understand that along with bringing him home it was going to be bringing more reality with it. The girls continue to handle all this differently and I struggle with how to best help each of them.

I've told many of you that what I need is to help them make their pain go away. For me...seeing our dear daughters struggle and seeing their pain makes my heart hurt all the more. How is it that people can't understand that when a mother sees her children in pain that it rips her heart out ??  I can't even begin to think about myself & how to make my pain better when my babies are hurting.

We met with two grief counselors today and I'm not sure how I feel about the time spent with them. But then again I don't know how I feel about anything. We have a busy week with Gi's surgery & appts and then there is only two weeks left of summer before school starts. So one thing I do know is that is annoying. I feel cheated on so many other aspects of life right now & now I feel that summer is gone too quickly. Even the girls have said that they've not even been to the shore yet this summer.

Just a side note......I know that some of you may be following in the shadows......and I don't mind.....but if at anytime you want to make comments on what I am writing.....it is ok- I don't mind.  If what you are saying is from your heart then I will at least read what you say.

8/7/11

We had a good night & then got up & went to church today. It was a bit odd but good. It was nice to be able to let people know that we appreciate all the thoughts & prayers these past weeks. The girls had a very good time at camp this past week and the pile of laundry I am doing proves it. We've got some tough appts this week- including Gi's surgery on Wed. I'll keep everyone posted. Thank you for your continued thoughts & calls !!

8/6/11

The girls are home !!!!    MAJOR SMILES  !!!!!!  My heart can rest easy.

8/5/11 evening.....

So today wasn't too bad.....took care of some stuff. Then later I ran some errands with my dear KD....then Mom, Pop, KD & myself went out for some dinner and a walk about ! Then Ma & Pop took off for home & now that KD & I are sufficiently talked out about all kinds of things....we are going to watch some TV and then go to bed. Another busy day tomorrow !! Good night all !!

8/5/11 morning

Well.....I got just about a full night's sleep. Mom decided to stay over with me & so I took the medicine the doctor gave me and went to bed. I woke a couple of brief times but went right back to sleep. I woke around 6am but then didn't get out of bed until 7ish something. I am actually hungry this morning too- so like in the past....I will give it a try & hope that I stay out of the bathroom ! =)

I'm upset with myself in the fact that I am a grown woman and couldn't handle being alone this week. But thankfully the Lord knew this & sent me the family & dear friends who are patient enough to be with me during the bad times as well as the good. It took alot of patient gentle prodding from all of them to get me to go to the ER since my own doctors office is full of jackasses that wouldn't take care of me during all of this.

But once again- I saw the Lord's hand in all this.....the woman doctor who got me- has been thru this. She lost her husband tragically and had 3 small children at the time. I believe she said 2, 4, 6 years old. She was kind, gentle and sat there and hugged me....then got firm....told me what was what !! And said she would be back. The nurse I got grew up in Delco and knows a family member and was also kind, patient and gentle. She put in the IV, gave me the medicine, turned off the lights and said now....lay down and relax you are safe here. Although I told them not to worry that I would call them when I got out.....my parents came down. So after only about 4 hours the doctor let me go. She said to make sure I continue to drink, try to eat, take the medicine she gave and then she did something I've needed for some time.....she gave me her card and said that she would be happy to be my physician and to get me thru this. She is down near Christiana but said if after I am on my feet- if I dont' want to travel down there- she will help me find a suitable doctor closer to home. When the nurse came back in to discharge me....she told me.....that the nurses love her & always breathe a sign of relief when they see she is working and that I will truly love having her as a doctor.

So now I am off to face the day.....lots to do today. Thank you for reading......and sharing my ups & downs !!

Not as strong as you all think I am......

I afraid that I had to visit the ER today....but St Francis was a good recommendation. Thanks to family & some insistent but loving friends...I relented and went. They said I was dehydrated....and had some serious anxiety & stress. But the Lord worked his way & my doctor was a woman who lost her husband and left her with 3 small children. So she also offered to take me on as a patient & if later on I want to find someone up here closer to home she will help me with that too. !! So after they pumped me up....gave me some medicine & prescription for later....she discharged me and I am to follow up with her in a week or sooner if needed. Mom is going to have a sleepover & tomorrow my dear KD will come down for one. Thank you to everyone who is sticking with us as we travel this valley of the shadows or as someone put it...."her time of winter & harshness". I could not do this without all of you....knowing that each place I go there is someone who is looking out for us is a comfort.

8/4/11- is wondering.....

I have been battleing with my doctor's office since Carmen's accident to try to get in and see the attending. I'm not comprehending why they can't understand that a patient with a history of a stress induced heart attack and now facing the sudden death of her husband and trying to keep it all together for their children would be so upset when they refuse to see her?? What stuns me even more is that they keep quoting me office policy- I'd like to know where is says in their policy...."when a patient whose husband was crushed to death by a huge concrete barrier and needs to be see by an attending physician should be told that when you signed up with us you were told this is a resident training facility and so no you may not make an appt with the attending?"  I've been told I should just go to the emergency room. WTH !!! really this is what I have to consider resorting to in order to get some medical care?

8/4/11- I got some sleep....

Well...last night one of my babies needed to call home. After about 40 minutes of comfort & sharing on both our parts & talk of the fun things at camp she was ready to go to bed. Also a big comfort to me- my dear Kim came & had a sleepover. We talked for awhile & I've not slept in weeks & when we up to bed.....I slept. I woke a couple of times but went right back to sleep. Around 6am I would awaken & doze awake and doze and finally got out of bed around 7:15.  I still feel exhausted but it was my first decent night's sleep & my first peaceful one this week. So I think I might be ready to face the day.

8/3/11 was told to give this a try......{post from Crystal}

8/3/11 - it was suggested that I give this a try. Not sure what I am doing or if I even set it up correctly.
It has been three weeks since my beloved was taken from me and our daughters. There have been many ups & downs for all of us. I wouldn't have made it this far if I didn't have our girls. We've received lots of help from family and friends and for that I am so very grateful. The initial influx has settled down and we are trying to figure out what to do & where to go from here.  That is all for now.