When the brain has time to think………
This is not always a good thing but neither is the opposite of being so busy that you don’t think or deal with things. This past week has been not only physically but emotionally draining and exhausting. I won’t bore you with the details but will tell you that my brain has not really stopped- it is as it was right after Carmen died. My brain refuses to stop thinking and all the thoughts, memories, what if’s etc. play on fast forward. Fast enough that I can’t fully focus on any one particular aspect.
This is not always a good thing but neither is the opposite of being so busy that you don’t think or deal with things. This past week has been not only physically but emotionally draining and exhausting. I won’t bore you with the details but will tell you that my brain has not really stopped- it is as it was right after Carmen died. My brain refuses to stop thinking and all the thoughts, memories, what if’s etc. play on fast forward. Fast enough that I can’t fully focus on any one particular aspect.
July 11, 2014 was three years since my beloved was taken from me (and our girls) and frankly
this widow thing sucks !! There are so many things that can trigger my emotions
and often there is nothing that anyone can do for me- except love & accept
me right where I am at that point. They need to realize that I am still a
broken person…..with a heart that will always have a deep, deep wound that will
be raw for a long time to come. Will it ever heal ? Yes- the Lord is good that
way and he gives us people in our lives that help with that goal.
Also over these past three years I have talked with people from all aspects of my life: family, friends, church, work, widow groups, grief group etc and I have either written about something on my mind or commented on a statement and numerous times I have been told, “You are so strong, or, your strength and grace amaze me.” I have to admit that these comments both surprise and confuse me- because I can’t see this in myself and I’m not sure what people see in me when they say it.
Also over these past three years I have talked with people from all aspects of my life: family, friends, church, work, widow groups, grief group etc and I have either written about something on my mind or commented on a statement and numerous times I have been told, “You are so strong, or, your strength and grace amaze me.” I have to admit that these comments both surprise and confuse me- because I can’t see this in myself and I’m not sure what people see in me when they say it.
I am blessed to have a friend that I know I can say anything
that is on my heart and the response will be honest and real- not holding back
but making sure it is tempered with a gentleness so as to not push me beyond my
capability at that point. But in the
back of my mind I know that like any good friend- I will be pushed forward so
that I can deal with emotions and feelings that have been and probably will be
suppressed for some time yet.
Tonight’s conversation included my admission that I see myself as weak because I don’t feel strong especially when I’m having a rough spot. I also admitted that my heart fears that future because I don’t know who I am now. I explained that I have known Carmen since I was 10 year old, started dating him at 16 and married him at 20 years old. I literally grew up with him by my side, my best friend, companion, my confidant, my beloved…….my confidence. I was loved, cherished and treasured for 28 years and expected to grow old with him. But when he was taken from me- I lost so much more than just the man.
I lost who I was for the majority of my life…….I
was Mrs. Carmen T. DiLuzio, wife, confidant, friend, lover, companion, mother
to his children. I can never forget how he lovingly told me one anniversary
that I was his anchor, a beacon of love and safety, he loved how I made our
house a home and that no matter what he knew no matter how crappy his day that
coming home to me and our girls was the highlight of his day or week. I lost the man who believed in me, the man
that would do anything for me, the man
who would honestly tell me what was on his mind and heart. His strength, calm under pressure, fierce
loyalty and his ability to protect those he loved will forever be etched into
my heart and soul. Tonight’s conversation included my admission that I see myself as weak because I don’t feel strong especially when I’m having a rough spot. I also admitted that my heart fears that future because I don’t know who I am now. I explained that I have known Carmen since I was 10 year old, started dating him at 16 and married him at 20 years old. I literally grew up with him by my side, my best friend, companion, my confidant, my beloved…….my confidence. I was loved, cherished and treasured for 28 years and expected to grow old with him. But when he was taken from me- I lost so much more than just the man.
So when you lose all that you were (except my most treasured job of mother) how do I figure out who I am now? Where do I go from here ? My friend identified a problem that I have- I trusted my beloved with all my heart & now he is not here & his challenge ?......To define who I am for myself.
