9/23/12 missing my beloved.....

My heart never knew loneliness until Carmen was taken from us…..miss him so much !!  The song  “I have loved you for a thousand years” always reminds me of us. A few of our friends would tease that we must have been together in past lives since we were so in tune with each other……now I personally don’t believe in that……but I do believe that we were & always will be soul mates. I think of him & remember him in a thousand ways every day…….in the morning when we could have coffee together on the porch, or if he had already gone to work- I would call him as soon as the kids were off to school.  My joy & passion was to cook whatever he wanted……so that was the daily question…..to this day I struggle to be in the kitchen without getting a pain in pit of my stomach or a lump in my throat. Then my day moves to the afternoon & I long for his phone call to check in…..to ask about my day & to let me know when he would be home, he would then ask about each of the girls & if everything was ok with their day. Early evening finds me looking at the clock…..wondering when he going to walk in the door…..and as I lay my head down at night……to never hear him say “love you & complain when I put my cold feet on him”…….I so often look into the sky & watch the clouds or the stars & think of him- “way” up there. All the special dates, songs, the smells, tastes & treats of each season, all the activities that would be happening- (today it was all the hunting gear out in stores- other times the fishing stuff). Or how he missed so many things the girls have done…..  And I really miss his sense of honesty, loyalty, family, & no nonsense manner. I miss the moments I would get to say…..”you are the head of the house- you take care of this- go fix this”- or the feeling I would have when he would say- “You are better at words than me Crys…..you talk to them & I will be your backup”…….I mean really…..who in their right mind would mess with me when he was standing there….arms folded……looking at them with those dark piercing eyes !!  Missing you Carm…….and knowing that this hole in my heart will not be gone until we meet again !!  Love always & forever !!

9/18/12

Not in a good mood......Toni came home with a paper that was for a school function for Dads & kids. Short version.....it didn't go well and now my heart hurts because her heart hurts and I can't fix it.

Also, she had "real- physical" heart problems (like she hasn't had enough other health issues) now she gets to add cardiologist to her medical files !! But after her heart went up to 280 beats per minute for 5 minutes and then reset.....they kept her for a couple of days & the released her with the fun part of wearing a heart event monitor for 30 days !!

My sweet Gi is also having a hard time.....trying to adjust to school with no boyfriend or best girlfriend. Bf has gone off to college & work and her bff seems like has moved on to other people. For Gianna this is hard....she is such a loving and loyal friend that it hurts....again.....one of my babies has a hurting heart and I can't fix it. I just wish that she would find a couple of nice girls to hang out with.

Some days I hate all this crap & just wish I could turn back time. To happier times where my dear man would hug me and tell me....."it's going to be ok.....I promise.....what can go wrong- I'm here" !!

I miss you babe !! And nothing but you can fix this hurt !!

9/2/12- end of summer :(

Here it is the last day of summer (unofficially of course) but still recognized as the last day. It was rainy and gloomy- which suited my mood. I had a headache most of the day & was grateful that the girls don't mind just hanging out & relaxing- watching tv, computer & then just putzing around. But there was no BBQ, no last day at the pool. And now......the dreary days of fall & the cold days winter will be upon us !! :(

Tomorrow- after having the summer off- I go back to work. Not the same place or same job & this one will only be part time for a few weeks. And then I am really trying to trust that the Lord will send me the right job.

I'm tired of this journey, I've lost my soul mate, best friend, lover, protector, father of our girls, my breath, my life and I just want him to come in that door !! It's been 14 months and for some reason I thought I would feel differently- that I would be able to go thru his things- but everytime I go into the attic, the basement, the shed- there is way too much of him for me to deal with- yet there are days I just want it all cleaned up and other days I just can't imagine things being gone.

I am tired of being strong- I am annoyed with the people who said they would be there for us & yet- as expected- they've faded.....how is it that some people just can't pick up the phone or send an email? Don't they realize that if they want to be done with me- that is fine......but don't hurt my girls. It is hard enough to do what I need to do everyday.....but when I see how their heart hurts because they long for relationships that once were & now are slipping away- I want to rip someone a new butt hole. It may not mean much to some.....but a brief little note, text or phone call or piece of mail is a huge deal to the girls.

My head knows Carmen isn't coming home but my heart doesnt' want to accept it- I just really want him to walk back in that door and tell me that this has all been a big nightmare !!