Today is almost over......if I can just stay awake another hour I will be able to say that I got thru the day. It's odd- Toni has been home sick this past week with pneumonia and so although I think I would have preferred to be alone today.....she was good company. And taking care of her makes this mommy's heart feel better.
Last night I posted on FB some pictures of Carmen and it was good to know that my heart still skips a beat when I see his pictures. But oh how I miss that man !!! Did you see his smile ? I smile when I remember his laugh.....it was not often or around everyone.....he was a private man....but when you heard his laugh....it was unmistakable....you knew it was him !!
When people ask me how I'm doing.....it's a hard question- I'm still not sure. It is days like this that make my brain go in so many different directions and my heart feel so many things that I am scatterbrained.....I can't stay focused or get motivated to do anything that I wanted to get done. On other days I look at all that needs to get done and I think to myself there is just no way that I will be able to finish everything. It's hard to explain to those who've not gone thru this that my heart is indeed missing a huge part and that hole can not be filled until I see my dear man again.
I am thankful for my family and friends......you keep me grounded and mostly sane. This year was a bit harder for the girls- because there were people who initially made the effort to be involved in our lives and then as time passes....have fallen by the wayside. I guess that some people don't understand how painful it is to see your children count on someone who gives their promise to do something and then not follow thru. But on the flip side- we really have been blessed with other friends who have completely given of themselves no matter how big or small the need.
It has been said, "death can not stop true love.....it can only delay it".....well my beloved- my heart continues to miss every aspect of who you were- my best friend, my lover, my soulmate, the father of our beautiful girls, my strength, my balance, you made me feel safe & secure just by your presence. Not having you here by my side just makes me every so aware of how harsh life can be......being the "only" parent now is hard.....there is no one to bounce thoughts over with, not making you be the bad guy so that the girls understand that something is really really important !!
My brain knows you are not coming home again, it also knows that there are no more hugs, or loving kisses....no more watching both your & the girls faces and shrieks of joy when you would arrive home.......but unfortunately my heart has not caught up with that knowledge. It still wants to hope that all of this has been a huge nightmare and that you will actually come walking thru that door and make our world complete again !!
Happy Anniversary Carmen.....I love you !!
