Today I am in the middle of baking cupcakes for Gianna's swim team (for the team dinner tomorrow) and since it is her birthday....they can help her celebrate again. I say again....because Saturday we had her birthday party. Her 18th birthday party !!
As I sit here baking cupcakes, getting the secret decorations ready (it was a tradition of Carmen & I- to decorate for the girls after they went to bed- this way- they wake up on birthday morning to the festivities) I had to buy her a special card.....so many that had from "both of us" or to "our daughter" and it was so hard. I managed to find what I thought would be good. But as always now- I second guess myself.
We are all aware that this big milestone- her 18th birthday- this should be a special day. But this past week we've all had more meltdowns than I care to count. I've had mine in private when they aren't here- because it seems that if I cry when they have a meltdown it's ok....but if they see me crying first then their heartache is compounded. I miss Carmen so much- the companionship, the conversations, sharing in the joy of good report cards and accomplishments. I miss him telling me about his day and my heart aches for the time that the girls don't get to share with him all the things they want to- to see the pride on his face as they share something with him and the grin as he pulled them close to seal it with a hug.
There is nothing that can heal our broken hearts right now. (and before anyone gets all pious on me- yes we know God is here) but we want Carmen here and we feel cheated !! There is so much more we needed and wanted with Carmen. I feel incomplete and have to figure out who I am now and who I want to be for the rest of my days here. I am no longer considered "Carmen's wife" and although I will always be "Gianna & Toni's mother" the big part of that job will be coming to a close. Who is Crystal ?? I don't know......all I do know is that right now.....she is looking at her eldest daughter who is about to turn 18.....and wonders where the time went, what have Carmen and I done right- and I wonder what I have done wrong since he was taken. There hasn't been his strength, guidance, wisdom and love......what is the impact ?
Well.....back to my work and preparation for tomorrow....as I get ready to wish my sweet "baby" girl Gianna a very happy 18th birthday.
No comments:
Post a Comment