May 9, 2017.......Our 30th Anniversary

May 9, 2017………should have been our 30^th anniversary.  When we stood before a Pastor and Carmen’s priest and proclaimed our love and promised to love one another- we said “I take you for my lawful husband and wife,  to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part." 

Who in their right mind thinks that the “death do us part” part would come entirely too early?  My mind wanders back to the time I was a mere child of 10 years old when I first met Carmen and I fell in love.  Short version is that he was dating a girl in my parent’s high school youth group but that didn’t matter to me. I told her that he was my boyfriend and that one day we would get married. Skip ahead a few years and at 16 I started dating him; we would literally sit out on the steps and talk for hours about everything and we had many dreams for the future.  Carmen asked me to marry him when I was 19 and we were married a few months after I turned 20.

Initially we decided not to have children right away- Carmen said that he wanted to enjoy time with his bride before turning his attention to being a father, because once kids come along it will be awhile before I get you to myself again. Our time together as a couple was extended as we had a miscarriage but my dear husband wrapped his arms around me and said “I am not worried, we will have more children when the time is right and until then I still get you to myself”. 

I won’t lie and say our marriage was perfect, like many couples we had our ups and downs and we had arguments and fights, but we never went to bed mad at one another.  I never doubted his love for me above all others. One time his dear friend once said “I have never seen two people that are really one person- you really know each other and I swear you read each other’s minds”.  I can honestly say that I was truly blessed to have this hot tempered, passionate, loving, caring man as my protector, lover, best friend and soul mate and then as the father to our two beautiful daughters.  

Lessons learned since Carmen was taken from us: 

©       Survival is possible- it’s not easy but it is possible

©       my inner circle of trusted people has gotten smaller, but my parents continue to unconditionally love us

©       the pain does NOT lessen- you learn to live with it but it does not go away

©       I will never be the same person that I was before July 11, 2011

©       I miss Carmen more now and sadly some memories fade

©       other people’s grief and pain affect me greater than it did before

©       depression is real and faith is a conscious choice

©       There are still moments or days that come out of nowhere and take my breath away

©       Life is a precious gift and since it is not guaranteed I have no more time for BS, liars or fake people.

A couple of years after Carmen died I was asked “so how are you? Are things returning to normal?”

I have to tell you, that question bothered me immensely and I was so angry that this person would dare to assume that our lives could ever even begin to be normal again. I thought how on earth do they think that after the love of my life and the father to our children was ripped from us so suddenly that life would ever be “normal” ??

Let me explain what “normal” is after loss:  

Normal= is having tears waiting behind every smile especially when you realize that your important person is missing from ALL the important events in your and your children’s lives.

Normal=is trying to decide how to celebrate or decorate for New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and of course Birthdays !

Normal= is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you are angry and frustrated at having to do it all by yourself with no one to bounce ideas and fears off.

Normal= is not sleeping very well because your protector is not there and you are the one on duty all the time. And because all the “ what ifs”  and “ whys”  go through your head constantly.

 Normal= reliving the accident continuously through your eyes, mind and heart and sometimes you hold your head and close your eyes…..hoping against all odds that it will all go away and that it’s just a nightmare.

Normal= is being out somewhere and staring into the crowd-hoping somehow that you will catch a glimpse of him….even for a moment.

Normal= is knowing that every single happy event will always be followed with a heart wrenching pain and sadness because of the huge hole in your heart and the inability to relive the joy and excitement with him.

Normal= is now having to tell the story of how your husband was killed as IF it were something that was an everyday occurrence and then you see the shock on their face and then they say “I’m sorry for your loss” AND then you have to say “Thank you”…….really ?? Thank you ??

Normal= is trying to figure out how to truly honor your beloved’s birthday each year and still manage to get through the day.

Normal= is when my heart jumps with excitement and then plummets at the sight of something he would love. Do I still buy it ? If I buy it-do I display it or store it away from prying eyes? If I display it, how do I explain it to people? What will they think? That I am crazy for still buying my dead husband gifts?

 Normal= is having people afraid to mention his name for fear it will upset me, yet wanting to make sure he is never forgotten. Normal= is the fear that as time goes along I should stop saying things out loud that he said because once again….will people think that I am crazy.

Normal= is that after the funeral…..people go on with their lives and that after a very short time, people expect me to go on with my life like they have and then Normal is realizing that they don’t understand that we will continue to grieve our loss until the day we die.

Normal= is realizing that weeks, months and years later that the grieving gets worse not better. Because your head finally realizes what your heart already knew.

Normal= is trying to listen to people who try to compare anything in their life to this loss. Unless they too have actually loss their soulmate at the same juncture and time in their lives then it is NOT the same. Especially those who are divorced or elderly …why?? because….the children of the divorced can still see their father and the elderly have lived a rich full life & experienced their dreams, had time and possibly grandchildren with their husband…….I do not- I was cheated of all of this.

Normal= is knowing that you and your children cry and feel a pain that can’t be taken away because the one who wrapped his arms around you in comfort is the one that is gone and your will never feel that gentle strength again.

Normal= is realizing that you’ve lost your  filter and that you are impatient with everyone and everything especially people who lie or are not genuine however you have a passion for protecting and showing compassion to your children or another widow in your situation.

Normal= is wanting to bite someone’s head off if they say any of the following-“he’s in a better place, God has a better plan for you, Time will heal your heart and pain, You are young and will find someone else again.”

Normal= is being too tired to care if you have paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry, went food shopping, put gas in the car or for that matter if you are eating healthy or at all.

Normal= is looking at forms and deciding what to check when they list-single, married or divorced and absolutely hating when you see or have to use the box that says widowed.

Normal= is asking God why he took your beloved’s life instead of all the scum bags out there.

Normal= is knowing that you will never truly get over this loss despite what others think, there isn’t enough time on this earth to heal this pain.

Normal= is learning to say “I’m fine” because it is easier to say that than make them uncomfortable when you cry or repeat yourself. Why bother when the hole is so deep and the hollowness so vast that they can’t handle the truth IF you were to actually tell them. And last of all…….Normal= is hiding all of the things that are “My Normal” so that everyone around me thinks that I’m normal.

So now you have read through the thoughts of a unique, not so normal widow…….who is reminding you that Life is NOT guaranteed so …..do not take your loved ones for granted….don’t pass up an opportunity to hug them and to spend time with them and most of all……don’t let the small stuff get in the way of  loving them unconditionally with your whole being.