Here it is the last day of summer (unofficially of course) but still recognized as the last day. It was rainy and gloomy- which suited my mood. I had a headache most of the day & was grateful that the girls don't mind just hanging out & relaxing- watching tv, computer & then just putzing around. But there was no BBQ, no last day at the pool. And now......the dreary days of fall & the cold days winter will be upon us !! :(
Tomorrow- after having the summer off- I go back to work. Not the same place or same job & this one will only be part time for a few weeks. And then I am really trying to trust that the Lord will send me the right job.
I'm tired of this journey, I've lost my soul mate, best friend, lover, protector, father of our girls, my breath, my life and I just want him to come in that door !! It's been 14 months and for some reason I thought I would feel differently- that I would be able to go thru his things- but everytime I go into the attic, the basement, the shed- there is way too much of him for me to deal with- yet there are days I just want it all cleaned up and other days I just can't imagine things being gone.
I am tired of being strong- I am annoyed with the people who said they would be there for us & yet- as expected- they've faded.....how is it that some people just can't pick up the phone or send an email? Don't they realize that if they want to be done with me- that is fine......but don't hurt my girls. It is hard enough to do what I need to do everyday.....but when I see how their heart hurts because they long for relationships that once were & now are slipping away- I want to rip someone a new butt hole. It may not mean much to some.....but a brief little note, text or phone call or piece of mail is a huge deal to the girls.
My head knows Carmen isn't coming home but my heart doesnt' want to accept it- I just really want him to walk back in that door and tell me that this has all been a big nightmare !!
No comments:
Post a Comment