10/30/2011

I am having some more of those moments where I don't know what I am thinking or feeling. Tomorrow will be 16 weeks.....it seems both close and yet far away. It will be halloween......I didn't even bother to decorate or bother with carving the pumpkins....but if the girls noticed....or minded...they didn't say a thing.

The youngest is still excited about going out trick or treating......but I am so not into it. All I can think about it no fun scaring by Daddy.....no teasing about how heavy their bags are....so he will "help" them....but there will be a price.....a kiss, a hug and piece of candy !! Then before we would go home...he would check a few pieces of candy so they could munch ! As they got ready for bed.....we would go over their candy.....he always amazed me.....he would check each and every piece of candy.....anything and I mean anything that didn't look just right.....would go in the trash.

I would love nothing more than to go to the store, buy a ton of candy and say....here you go....all done do we have to actually go out now ?? But no.......not so lucky !!

To add to all this suckiness......the storm yesterday reminded me that winter is approaching and I get to face all that it brings.....alone. No more sharing the shoveling of snow, or waking up and thinking that I have to clean off my car.....since Carm went to work at 2-3 am.......and to my surprise {which I shouldn't have been} I would go outside to find the minivan all cleaned off and if I was lucky a note that would say........"I love you- love Carm" on my seat.  No more being inside warm & toasty making the hot chocolate while he played with the girls out in the snow.

I guess all this pain means I am moving from the denial, numb stage to the angry- this freakin sucks stage !!

When I married Carmen.....I thought my heart was full of love, then I had our children and I was amazed that it could hold and give more love, then my beloved man was taken from me and now I wonder.....how much pain can a heart hold before it truly breaks ?