I guess my original thoughts weren't meant to be shared........I was typing a post and I got interupted and then I mistakenly hit the back button and the whole thing disappeared.
I was saying that there are many a hard days and feelings that I either don't know OR don't want to deal with.....so often I prefer to keep busy. Not so busy that I don't think about things but busy enough that reality still only gets to creep in instead of running me over.
One thing that bugs me is when people havent' seen me a a few weeks and ask me "so how are you doing now?"........I want to reply- "how do you think I am doing? Do you think that a few weeks has made things better? Do you think that the pain of losing my soul mate and all of our hopes, dreams and life together has suddenly gotten better since you last saw me? Or maybe you thought that dealing with two daughters who adored their daddy and their pain has gone by the wayside?
Many times they will say......I understand what you are feeling. Really ?? I dont' care what you think....but if you haven't lost your beloved spouse in the way that Carmen was taken from us then don't tell us that you understand. I had a couple of people tell me that since they've lost their husbands that they know what I am going thru.........well I hate to break it to them but ....ummmm no you don't. They were able to finish raising their children together, then enjoy retirement with them, followed by having & enjoy grandchilren together. Then their loved one passed away peacefully in their sleep. (now I know they mean well......but come on !!)
How on earth do you expect me to think that you comprehend my pain. Now I also know that there are some people who have lost their spouses in an unexpected death (like a heart attack) and so they are getting closer to understanding, then there are the ones who's loved ones may have died in some horrible like a car accident......they are even closer to comprehending ......but unless it was sudden & frightfully atrocious manner like Carmen then please don't tell me you understand.
Feel free to say that you sympathize, or are empathetic, but don't attempt to compare the two. Do they also have to deal with the almost daily reminders that your children will grow up and each milestone they reach they will say...." I wish Daddy were here- how would be so proud" .......I try to teach them and remind them that their Daddy couldn't be more proud of them. Or that as they reach each of these milestones........it carries them one step closer to their hopes and dreams !! Yet......as they reach for these goals......it also means that I am am one step closer to them leaving to embark on their journey. And then once again.......I will get to expererience the emptyness once again.
Now I am not saying that we are the first or only ones who are going thru this.......but I do want them to think before they either say or email us with these types of comments.
So.....on to other things. Please continue to pray for us- there are so many days that are still quite a roller coaster adn I know that your prayers are what is getting us thru.
Thanks for letting me rant ! I hope you all have a good Friday and a relaxing weekend !!
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