I know that tonight will be a long night & that sleep
may elude me……in under 7 hours my beloved husband Carmen was killed…..he was
ripped from our lives in a horrific manner. In about 11 hours I will have been
answering the door to find two NCCo police officers, asking my name & if I
was the wife of Carmen T. DiLuzio ?
Immediately….your mind knows what is going to happen….your stomach
cramps, your throat closes and your heart beats out of your chest……I hear the
words…..your husband Carmen was killed this morning……I fall to the floor, they
help me to the sofa…..I tell them they are lying…..they tell me they are sorry
and is there anyone they can call ? I remember asking what happened & if
they were sure ?? They then ask if I want them to tell the girls……I distinctly
remember telling them….no one but me would tell them this horrible news !! They
came up from the playroom (I later find out they heard a few words & just
wanted to come to me- they didn’t know it was Carmen)……I sat with them on the
sofa…..the officers standing by the door……I hugged them close & told them ……I
will never forget their screams, their faces, their pain, the unbelief……….I
then remember the police asking if they could call someone for us…….I tell them
no……I tell them they need to leave. They do not….they gently but firmly tell me
that they will not leave us until someone comes. I do not really remember (but
I’ve been told that I made a few brief, blunt phone calls & hung up) the
police discretely handled the return calls until my family arrived. The
following week was a blur….so many people came to us to offer help, love &
condolences and support.
The girls and I have faced many challenges this past year…..we
have had so many ups & downs but we have had the support of so many of you.
The love, encouragement, kind words, hugs, notes, the small surprise gifts at
important times to let us know that we continue to be in your thoughts &
prayers- this continues to give us strength.
This past year….we have faced some relationship changes- I
have to face the reality that I am now a widow (yes…..I can finally say the
word- I hate it but I can admit it) the girls and I have realized that we have
lost some family & friendships……and that is their loss…….but in that same
breath I can say that we have gained, strengthened, and are rebuilding other
relationships.
I hope that if you are reading this that you realize how
much you mean to us !! We could not have
reached this milestone without the support of our family & friends. BUT……we
are not done……this is just a milestone……our journey without Carmen & our
journey of grief continues……we will still need you and still value each and
every one of you- you each give us something different & unique & we
love you for that reason.
My reminder is that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow……so
don’t let anything come between you & anyone you love. More importantly
than telling someone you love them…..SHOW them.
Communicate & let others have their feelings……if need be…..agree to
disagree but don’t leave each other mad.
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