Thanksgiving is fast approaching......and I am really trying to get prepared for the holiday. On one hand I am indeed thankful for our dear daughters. They bring me such joy & happiness in so many ways. However I continually think about all that will never be without my beloved man.
I also am thankful for my family- my parents, my brother & his family, my sweet Kim & her family, those in Carmen's family that are in our lives, sweet Jen, my friends & my coworkers. All of them in their own way manage to interact with us in such a way that our pain is less while we are with them. None of you may ever realize that your time is worth more than gold. Thank you for this gift.
I am thankful for being able to be busy.... but find some relief in being able to sit down to relax.
Well my dear man......this is our first thanksgiving without you and my heart is heavy, I am broken hearted but not broken. I am thankful for all the years I had with you and I am thankful that you gave me the blessing of our two beautiful girls.
I never understood true numbness- but now I do- many days my broken heart feels nothing.....no joy ...no saddness.....just emptiness that your presence once filled. And yet other days.......that blessed numbness is no where to be found and the reality of our loss is overwhelming.
Everything I see I think of you.....past memories and now our lonely journey. Fall- the trees changed color- we used to hike thru the woods, the leaves have fallen- you & the girls would rake & blow the leaves into piles & then the look on your face when they would jump into the piles instead of picking them up.....and me standing there laughing at all of you & when you would pull me down into a pile and then the girls would be laughing and jump on you !! Thanksgiving- oh the smiles and joy on your face as the girls & I would start the shopping list, the groceries all over the place, the days of preparations. I see you always in the kitchen with a mischievous smile on your face.....as you would steal any & all food that us girls were making. Then.....the actual thanksgiving dinner......I will always remember & smile when I think of you at the head of the table.....presiding over family dinner. No matter who was here.....they were always family- always welcome- your smile & nod of satisfaction were my best reward for all the work. You would often ask me "if I minded" all the stuff you wanted....and I am so happy you knew that you were my greatest joy & cooking for you filled my heart with love.....You and only You were my reason for cooking- Yours was the only praise I needed !! Then the time we spent together as you would "pick the bird", how you would laugh as I told you this was "the man job & that you had better hop to it- if- you wanted your turkey boom bah the next day !!" {for anyone reading this.....it's actually turkey bombay- but Carm would say he loved how I made it & it was so good it was boom bah}.
Well enough memories for now......I am weary....and tired maybe if I go to bed I will fall asleep. Not that I rest properly.....when I lay my head down I think of you next to me.....I wish I could hear you breath and hear you talk- lol.....and yes even snore. When I finally fall asleep....I dream of you and wish that I didn't have to get up in the morning- because then reality once again is there to slap me in the face.
Good night my dear sweet man......I love you beyond words and my heart misses you beyond words. Please remind the Lord that your girls miss you and would like to understand his reason for this pain. And that although you are whole, healthy and happy that you would ask he heal our broken hearts and fill the hole that you have left. Love you Always & Forever !!
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