I didn't think that I would be so preoccupied this month. Yesterday was 11 months since Carmen was killed and my thoughts were everywhere & nowhere. The only way for me to describe it was to say that I felt odd all day.
This next month.....is a countdown.....to the one year mark since Carmen was killed, taken from us so abruptly that our lives completely changed. So many things have changed this past year. I have come to see who truly loves and cares for us. As many others before us have done....we've had relationships change in ways that confused & hurt us and we've been blessed to have others change in a way that comfort & calm us.
We've had lots of ups and downs, a lot of moments that made us laugh and others that made us cry. We've made it to & thru alot of the "first" milestones and we are approaching the big one. But I've heard that the second year is very difficult also.....because people "expect" us to be "better or over" this huge loss. Well......I hope those around us realize that this hasn't gotten easier, nor have we gotten over Carmen's death.
We have managed to figure out how to go forward with our lives, we are certainly trying to find a new normal and I really try to make sure that the girls have the usual fun things to do to help them heal and to go forward in living and enjoying life. But unless you have actually lost your husband or wife then you can "only imagine" what I am feeling......and to be honest.....can anyone really imagine such a painful, heart ripping pain or the empty lost feeling that I carry ??
I don't ask for your sympathy.....just your understanding.....and when you see it....your help. I will admit that I still struggle with the fact that I need help, that everything Carmen used to do- I can not & that there are people willing to be there and to step up and fill that void....but it so so so very hard to accept it. Not sure why.....pride, embarrassment, pain, agitated, flustered ??
My mind keeps going back to the thought that Carmen is out on the road and will come home any moment now......my heart pounds at that anticipatory thought.....my dear man will walk thru that door and aplogize for being so late.....scoop all three of his girls into his arms and squeeze us tight. The laughter fills the room as we are reunited, the joy on his and the girls faces....fills my heart with happiness and a joy that can not be described and there is nothing else here on earth that fills my heart in that way.
I've only had a few stupid comments these past months....so this is more a reminder: please make sure you don't say the following things to me (or anyone who is grieving for that matter)......
1) God has a reason for everything.....{yes I know that but unless you can tell me the reason then don't bother giving my your pious opinion}
2) I know how you feel.....{oh really ?? so you've lost your husband suddenly in a horrible manner? No you don't know how I feel....you can only "try" to imagine}
3) You need to move on - {do I ?? after loving him all my life....I'm supposed to just pick up & move on- I suppose with all your wisdom....you are going to tell me just how to do that}
4) Time heals all wounds- {no it doesn't & it doesn't get easier either....we are just figuring out how to cope & how to live with the wound}
5) My fav.....you will find someone & get married again....don't worry ! {are you freakin kidding me ? I've lost the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend, my lover and the father of my two sweet daughters......I knew him more than 3/4 of my life and when he died....I was married to him for over 1/2 of my life !! I'm not in the market for a replacement- he wasn't an appliance.
As you can tell.......someone ticked me off & I am venting- like I said..... my thoughts are wandering.......bear with me.......it will pass !!
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